*exhale* I'm not an emotional person, but as I am writing this... tears are slowly falling from my eyes. They are neither tears of joy nor sorrow... just tears. I'm not even sure why they have been provoked, but there are tears.

I think its a side effect of the pressure. The energy it takes to live in two worlds, with two identities. It takes its toll. Have you ever felt like two different people? Oh, I do. All the time.

It's rather surreal.

As I sit here having just left AU, talking with someone I lived with this summer, working on HOBY stuff, anxiously considering going home in a few days, and eagerly anticipating getting back to DC... I feel like I'm living in way too many worlds.

I'm ready for the worlds to collide... for the crash, the explosion, the aftermath of destruction... I'm ready to be whole again. I'm not sure how I am going to fuse my worlds, but I know that I need to in order to move forward. I need to step out of my boxes and say take all of it ... or leave it.

I am what I am... who I am... and that identity, well, it lies in Christ and Christ alone. I need to make that clear... crystal clear. I also need to remember that part of following Christ is being who He created me to be. I have been reserved at AU- that is not me. I've needed to learn discipline, and I'm learning it by holding back... but being silent and relatively inactive isn't necessarily the way to go about living my life either. I need to merge the enthusiastic driven high school persona that got me to college with the people person that I've become in college. I need to stop reminiscing on how I've had my moments as both a good leader and a good Christian and collide the two worlds to be a good Christian leader. I need to embrace my calling. I need to be one of those people, one of my people, one of His people... I need to be me. 100% holistically me and I'm not sure that I even know what that looks like. Thankfully, He knit me together in my mother's womb and knows me better than myself.. So this break, I initiate collusion, knowing that He has it under control...

Or at least I hope to catalyze the fusion- by God's grace- and finally bring my worlds together a bit. Assuming I don't chicken out. I'm at least three days from being home and I already feel like puking... like running.. like crawling into the fetal position....


None of that matters though... because my God is soo much bigger than my fear and my drama, and me.... I need to find myself in Him and in Him alone.

"In the secret, in the quiet place
In the stillness You are there.
In the secret, in the quiet hour I wait,
Only for You,'cause I want to know You more;

I want to know You,
I want to hear Your voice
I want to know You more.
I want to touch You,
I want to see Your face
I want to know You more.

I am reaching for the highest goal,
then I might receive the prize.
Pressing onward, pushing every hindrance aside,
Out of my way, 'cause I want to know you more"

"I will always hide at my Savior’s side
I find my refuge in His sovereign care
When the waters rise, God will hear my cries
His steadfast love will hold me safely there"


Needless to say... I freaked out a bit with the post last night... but alas, God's grace is bigger than my spastic personality.

(I'll finish updating this later)

There are some days when your past comes back to bite you in the ass. This is one of those days. After sleeping literally all day and realizing that my mood is beyond depressive... almost to the point where it hurts to crack a smile... I'm wondering if the cycle ever stops. I do well at something, I jack it up, I work to save my ass again... and then I change my mind and move on to something else... and the process repeats. I have great experiences and relationships along the way... but they fade like sand sifting through one's hand... and when the time to flee comes, I'll spread my fingers and let it all pass away.

" and I don't understand
why I sleep all day
and I start to complain
that theres no rain"

The thought of reconciling who I am , who I've been, who I want to be, and who I may become scares the living hell out of me. I crack a smile, I talk with people, and I'll even discuss the bullshit factors of my life that seem to be ailing me... yet inside I am self destructing. I am both figuratively and literally making myself sick and destroying everything that could be in the process. My mind is going nowhere as my grades crash, my body is becoming continually less stable, my time is being spent doing absolutely nothing productive, and I'm fighting to hang on to the notion that I may have some meaningful relationships with people in my life.... when really... I have no clue what tomorrow will bring and who will be willing to stand with me if I fall...

So, when you ask how I am.. I'll say okay or maybe I will answer stressed or something.. and it is an honest answer... and as I am typing this I am honestly fine. Just fine, but you know what... I am tired of fine... fine isn't good enough. I was not created to be fine... to be okay.... I was created to do something, to be someone... not to be fine.. not to spend my days wondering how to get to tomorrow and doing nothing in the meanwhile...

I am not happy being fine.. .I'm not happy being here... I'm not happy with this life.

Tonight, someone reminded me of who I am. Of who I am capable of being.. both the good and the bad... and you know what, I am not being that person now. I don't know who I am, but being a lazy, under motivated person with no ambitions is not it. I'm not proud of this...

So, starting tomorrow.... fine is not good enough any more.

2 a.m. In the streets of the nation's capitol. 2 a.m. and thousands are dancing and signing and shouting in the streets. It is the sound of hope... Strangers embracing each other in passing... cheering for the future... celebrating with joy... change. The drums beat, the crowds chant, but the White House has no response as thousands gather in front of it in the name of change.

I have never seen anything like it, and I'm not sure that I ever will again. I called Obama's win years ago, and I am definitely celebrating his victory... and I was all over the celebration in the streets... but I must admit that I am a bit disheartened...

Why do we only take to the streets in celebration on occasions like this? Millions united for Obama, so why don't millions rally around other causes. Spending millions of dollars on those in need around the world. I saw hope this week in unity...

Now if only we had that kind of joy and hope and unity when it really matters....

"Looking for something I've never seen
Alone and I'm in between
The place that I'm from and
The place that I'm in"

One of the HA kids labeled this Fray song.. the song for us in this season. While I haven't talked with him since the last day of the scholarship conference almost two years ago, I was reminded of this song today.... and I assure you that he was right. This is a song for me in this season.

I'm looking for something I've never seen and it's hard to find because I have no clue what I'm looking for... The picture painted for me looks a little like this: serve God, serve people, become a mouthpiece of the Gospel, go into the world, get your hands dirty, challenge academia, challenge government, rise up and make a difference, use your story to inspire others, understand the misunderstood, love the unlovable, empower future generations of servant leaders, be a light in the darkest of places...

It's everything I've always known crashing against a mound of uncertainty... and over the other side lies a narrow way that was surveyed for me long before I was born. Some of the trail ahead is unpaved and treacherous terrain, and some of it is clearly mapped and marked. I know that there is a way ahead and a guide to take me there, but right now, I feel like I am bushwhacking...

And my water supply is running low and I know longer can identify which way is down mountain and which way is up.. and even if I could, I'm not sure in which direction I would go. I can no longer rely on my own navigation. So, what do I do? I dig a hole in the middle of the wilderness and I stay put. I do not expect or accept help... I whine and think and try to derive a better plan of attack. Though, I am only attacking myself.

I'm running dry... this is the season of the desert, and I think I put myself there because I enjoy drawing lines in the sand. It's almost as if I want to be lost. As if, I want the direction to be hidden from my sight. Even if someone is leading me by the hand, I'm going nowhere quickly because I'm sitting down refusing to move forward. Searching for distractions, for excuses...

You can lead a deer to water, but you can't make him drink. Well, the water is there, and I've tasted it before... so I know I'm a deer and I'm capable of jumping to new heights... but I'm standing at the stream, refusing to drink.... turning my head and denying myself the fuel I need to take that leap of faith.

The question in my mind is "Why won't you drink? I've lead you this far and we have so much further to go... go ahead approach the stream and get the strength you need for the next part of the climb". Like Paul in Romans 7, I am disappointed with the things that I do because they are the things that I do not want to do. The things I want to do, I don't do because I don't believe that I am capable of doing them.

I want to be the reflection of God's glory in this world, but the still small voice inside my head says "Kera, if you cannot stand to look at your own reflection in the mirror.. how do you expect others to see the same image as Christ living within you?"

The question comes back to the corny Disney movie line... "When will my Reflection show who I am inside?"...

Because if it doesn't, to get back to some better music comparisons...

"I'll try to get out but I never will
Traffic is perfectly still"

After an extended hiatus from blogging, journaling and writing in general, I think it is finally time to revive this blog. My mind is racing at the speed of light, yet my processing is slower than a slug crawling through a vat of salt. Weird analogy, I know, but that is kinda where I am right now. Neither concise nor comprehensible, I am rather scatter-brained at the moment. Consequently I do not expect my entries to be the greatest writing specimens I have ever produced, but I do think that I need to force myself to start writing again in order to ask myself honest question and to provide honest answers. Processing in my mind alone is not fruitful. Perhaps spewing my guts onto the computer screen will once again prove to be somewhat helpful.

" This is home
Now I'm finally
Where I belong
Where I belong
Yeah, this is home
I've been searching
For a place of my own
Now I've found it
Maybe this is home
Yeah, this is home"

Tears are a rare commodity for me, yet I have this strange feeling that there will be an over abundance of them when I leave this place. Jokingly I have always said that home is where ever I am at the moment, but I have never truly known the feeling of home being the place where people love and care for you. My housemates have grown into my family, and they have shown me love beyond measure. The mere thought of leaving some of them behind causes tears to well up in my eyes.

In a less than serious tone of voice, a few of my friends here keep asserting that I am going to eventually transfer to their university. While it is just a reoccurring comic aside, part of me wishes that I actually could transfer here to remain with them amongst these beautiful mountains. It would be so much easier to stay than it will be to go. Despite the longings of my heart, I know that I must return to the District.

It's more than bittersweet. To be honest, part of me is slightly irritated that I finally found authentic friends only to have to leave them a short time later. It is not often that I feel comfortable enough to trust people, but I would trust some people here with every ounce and every detail of my life. I'm not sure that I have ever been this attached to a group of people before... but alas, the detachment will begin a few short weeks from now. While I know that I will not allow myself to forget or to lose contact with some of my friends here, I also know that things will never be the same way. This group will never be fully together again, and the individuals that I have grown to love will never be as close to me as they are in this moment. Friendships are truly tested by distance, and I'm not sure how sturdy they can be when the distance is great and the encounters are few and far between. It breaks my heart to even think about losing my new found family...

The thought of leaving scares me, but the fact that I actually entertained the thought of staying is even more frightening. I find myself allowing doubts to slowly creep into my mind. Are my friendships here created out of obligations? If I did stay would I still have meaningful relationships with them? Is what I am feeling mutual or will I disappear from their minds the second I disappear from their sight? I shall never know the answers. The questions haunt me, but their shadows cannot pierce my heart because I know differently.

Dr. Seuss once said " don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened". I am both crying and smiling as I am writing this. I am extremely grateful for this summer and the people that have come into my life. Even if these are my last moments in fellowship with them, I would not trade this experience for the world. I am a better person for being here and for knowing the people sharing this time with me. Even if this all fades into the abyss, I am forever changed. Now I know without a doubt that my home is in heaven and my family is the body of Christ.

" And now after all
My searching
After all my questions
I'm gonna call it home
I got a brand new mindset
I can finally see
The sunset
I'm gonna call it home"

If deception is a poison, insecurity is the toxin that makes it lethal. Currently, my insecurities are infecting my mind, body and spirit. My thoughts are polluted with the fact that I am extremely out of shape. As pictures continue to surface on facebook, I can only cringe at my physical appearance. As summer activities continue to unfold, I am sickened by my weakness and decline in athleticism. Truth be told, I am beyond disgusted with myself... and my self worth is decreasing exponentially as my self disgust begins to overflow. It is consuming all my thoughts and all my actions. My heart does not recognize myself for who I am. It yearns for the competitive athlete and the strong willed competitor. Yet, my intellect knows that those days have past and mourns for their disappearance. While one knows that will power and discipline can overthrow the decay of sickness and lethargy, one also needs motivation to change things from the status quo. I am not only lacking inspiration, but I am also experiencing an abundance of depression. I cannot shake the feeling that life is not worth the hassle... simply because of the lack of value on my life and my disgust with who I am becoming. Outer appearance is everything because first impressions set the tone for relationships. However, I have allowed myself to go beyond a point of disgust to a point of self loathing. Once again I find myself changing my pathways to avoid shorts, mirrors, asthma attacks, and any remotely degrading element in my life. My own insecurities are beginning to hold me prisoner. The question is how does one break free of a long term problem that one has no motivation to solve...

The answer I guess could be God... and hopefully, He will show me how to battle the way I feel and make the necessary changes in my life.

In the spirit of my homeboy Martin Luther, this is a 25 Thesis declaration of my frusturations with Christians , in no particular order.

25) The classic secular vs Christian battle in terms of music, books, movies, and every other form of media that is enjoyable to my life. Yes, I like secular music; it's okay. Secular stuff is still inspiring, and in some cases God inspired. Different things speak to different people... personally Metallica taught me how to pray rather than corrupting my mind. (True story; Enter Sandman)

24) The used of the word saved, especially when used in contexts like "before I was saved" or "maybe some people will get saved after I tell them my testimony". Yes, I know that salvation is Biblically accurate and that there is a change in someone when they except Christ... but we do not need to use the verb saved. What are you being saved from? You didn't get saved; you accepted salvation. You were saved the moment that Jesus died on the cross for your sins; you just couldn't reap the benefits of that atonement because you refused to recognize your salvation.

23) Using the terms believers and nonbelievers to distinguish Christians from nonChristians. There shall be no divisions amongst people, between Jew and gentile. Who cares if my neighbor is Christian? I am still going to treat him the same as I would a Christian. Let's not use labels and create divisions in our minds.

22) The phrase or implication of the phrase "because I'm Christian". No, you do not do something because you are Christian. Your actions and thoughts stem from your morals and your convictions. If you are trying to follow Jesus, then yes you should strive to uphold His teachings.... please explain your reasoning. Using a religious label as justification or an excuse makes you sound close minded and judgemental.

21) The prosperity Gospel, televangelists, and commercialized cultural Chrisitanity. I am lumping all of this together because it meshes in my mind. Joel Olsteen, the Crystal Cathedral, and Testamints are all not cool in my book. The Bible tells us to be humbled.... being a celebrity Christian who preaches heresy and steals money from folks is not humble. Having a church with a drive in worship service is not humble. Wasting money on corny Bible themed candy is not humble. This is not Dogma, and we do not all need to promote Buddy Jesus.

20)Using "I'll pray about it " as a synonym for no. If you need to pray about something and contemplate something, then please do so. Take the time and prayer that you need to come to a decision. If you already know that the answer is no, say no. Honesty is key.

19) Using prayer as a way to dish out pity or to try to figure out whats going on in someone's life. If I look upset, please do not walk up to me and say "Can I pray for you?" just to either show that you feel bad or to try to pry into what's wrong. If you care, ask to talk and then if you want to pray then that's probably okay... but if you don't care enough to be real and be a friend, then please do not ask to pray for me... if you felt the need strongly enough, you'd pray anyhow without my permission, so it shouldn't matter.

18) Pulling the God card to prove a point. Also known as "I feel like the Lord is saying" or "I think God wants you to" but really using your own thoughts and associating them with God so that you have a legit reason to project your opinions on me... God may be speaking to you, but He is also speaking to me about my life... so don't try to pull the God card unless it is authentic.

17) Bickering between denominations. We all love God, we all believe that Jesus died for us, and we should all be trying to live a godly life.... why do we dissect doctrine and create massive divisions. Who cares about the time of communion, baptism or confirmation? So what if I don't have a prayer language? What's wrong with centering with some tradition or some rosary beads? Catholics, Lutherans, Baptists, Methodists, Pentecostals.. whatever the defining term is... we are all Christians- we all have the same basic beliefs. We are all using our uniqie worship styles and interpretations to try to pull ourselves closer to God... perhaps if we let down our guard against each other, we could actually help one another in our spiritual journeys.

16) Two words: BLIND FAITH. This annoys me like no other. When you approach someone and say why do you belief this? And someone says because the Church says or because the Bible says.... but they can't explain it in their own words or even paraphrase the scripture because they have never persued a personal faith. Yet, they are the first people to criticize you for not showing up at church on Sunday, but the last people to actually pick up a Bible or question anything for themselves. Please use the mind that God gave you... and form your own viewpoints on the questions of faith.

15) Thinking that becomming a Christian is a distinct point rather than a process. Remember salvation, justification, sanctification, and glorification. Salvation occured at the cross. Justification is the point at which you realize "I am a sinner, Christ died for my sins" and repent and accept Jesus as your Savior. Sanctification is the process of becomming more holy and following in the footsteps of Jesus. Glorification is the holiness shining through you. The phases may overlap a bit... but it is still an ongoing process. The point of "conversion" isn't being saved; it's being justified in the salvation that Christ gave you when He died on the cross. You cannot think that the Jesus prayer is the end all be all of becomming a Christian. I think Kierkergard was right in saying that there are no true Christians, because being Christian implies that one is the image of Christ and we sinful people can only continue to strive towards that....

14) Confusing the terms evangelism and proselytising . Evangelism is simply sharing. If you are asked or if it comes up or if you feel you need to do so, talk about God and what He has done for you personally and for all people. Your life is God's story, His Gospel is ment to be shared... so tell it. proselytising is trying to convert people to your religion. The purpose of evangelism is sharing, and sharing only. God will change the hearts of people... don't think that you can save people. And please do not go on a mission trip for the purpose of saving people, go on the trip to serve, to love, to share.... and if you are genuine.. you will help grow the seed that God has planted in the hearts of others.

13) Hiding yourself behind the church. Be open. Be honest. Encourage people to talk about things. Do not put a sign on your forehead saying that "I am Christian.. hear me roar (and I roar in tongues because I believe in prayer languages) or (I roar fiercely because I am one of the elected chosen through predestination)." But, please be honest about your beliefs. Do not lure in people by playing the safe card. If your church is charismatic, encourage discussion about it. If your church is calvinist, encourage discussion about it. And this goes for any belief... you should not have to sift through doctrine to get to the heart of the church.

12)The phrase "in Christian love" . Why not just in love? Our love should not be confined to our Christian friends. It should not be catergorized by societal labels. Our love should be for all people. Jesus loved everyone, and He loved all people with equality.

11) The emphasis on the physical manifestation of gifts or answers to prayers or creations instead of a focus on God- the source of all things. I frankly don't care if I ever see a miracle or have a prayer answered tangibly... because I still know that God is incredible and He loves me. Don't expect to see signs and wonders everywhere. Expect God to be there in His own way... when we expect the wooing at every meeting, we start worhsiping the manifestation and not God... be content with nothing. Know that He will show up, but don't expect Him to wave flags to indicate that He enjoys sitting in your company.

10) Putting God in a box. Forgetting how many times the Bible says that with God anything is possible. Sometimes we judge others inadvertantly and/or criticize God by focusing soley on the truth we think we know... instead of realizing that God is so much bigger than the box that we contain Him in.

9) Forgetting that Christians are terrorists too. Our religion is not without fault. Crusades, Inquisition, Early colonial missionaries.... need I say more. Actually, yes I do. Let's try: abortion clinic bombings and the Oklahoma City bombing. People do bad things in the name of Jesus all the time. We are no better than those who do bad things in the name of Allah. Think about history before you condemn other religions for their actions.

8) Inadvertantly making people, locations, or countries your projects. O yes, this happens. I will help deliver so and so. I will spread the word to all of this city to save the people. This African nation needs saved so I'm going... .forget the religion. Think of the people.... as people. Get to know them as people. God will show up through your genuine love and compassion.

7) Hypocrisy. It's inevitable because we are all human.. but don't kid yourself... sometimes we are no better than the Pharisees.

6) People who quote C.S. Lewis as if he were the fifth Gospel writer. I love the man. I think he is brilliant. The Chronicles of Narnia is not the third book of chronicles. He is a commentary. Please do not quote Mere Christianity the same way you would quote the Gospel according to Mathew.

5) Scripture taken out of context! *cries* The Bible has context, history, literary structure... and a lot of other elements that need to be taken into consideration. You cannot just pluck out a line and say that's it without knowing where it finds into the larger picture. Please break it down word for word, but do so with everything else in mind.

4) Losing the fear of God. the reverance to the Holy Communion. the observation of the days of Holy week... of the importance of obedience. Yes Jesus is love! Incredible. There is also a thing known as the wrath of God... God is a judge as well as a loving Father. Some respect people! "Fear of the Lord" is so important. Respect and reverance are a keycomponent of faith... humblility comes with realizing the athropology of humankind is a cross between beloved heirs and despised sinners.

3) Thinking that your path looks like everyone else. The way to heaven is the narrow gate, but that doesn't mean that the road leading to that gate is the same for everyone. Remember that being a Christian is being in a personal relationship with God. Personal relationship... God knows us better than we know ourselves and he knows how to reach us each in the most effective way. Respect the uniqueness that God created us each with....

2) Praying in a prayer circle as if you were giving a speech for an oratorical contest. God is real. God is listening. Be real. Talk to Him. Forget about the five other people listening, God is the one who you are talking to. He knows contrived crap from genuine pleas... and thanks... and what not. Be real. God loves it. People respect it.

1) Religion is an institution. Faith is a relationship. Use the instititution as a tool... to grow the faith. Worship God, not the church.

As of today, I have been living in Montana for exactly two weeks. Such a short amount of time has passed since my three day greyhound trek to get here, but it seems as if these last two weeks have been two years. It's rather surreal to think about the friends I have made and the things that I have learned since I have been here. I love it here! Although, I must admitt that I am hitting the point of irritation to a certain degree and I am missing the District a little. I cannot complain though because I know that I am going to have difficulty leaving this place already... and I have only been here two weeks.

Something about nature takes my breath away... the mountains.. the stars... the sky... My heart and mind live for the late night conversations with people.... and I am convinced that the greatest feeling in the world is laughing until it hurts.... yes, Montana is refreshing my spirit and renewing my outlook on life.

I still cannot tell you why I am here. I will still be broke at the end of the summer. I am not even guarenteed that I will make enough money to make rent. Not to mention that I don't know how much money I will owe for tuition yet.... my family doesn't support me being here and they don't even know the real reasons for my comming.... and I am not necessarily entirely comfortable with the theological teachings that I am surrounded by.... not even mentioning my feelings concerning XA or AG as organizations. It doesn't make sense for me to be spending the summer at an XA program in Montana. It my not seem logical, but I can assure you that this is exactly where God wants me this summer... and I am intrigued by my situation and curious to see what He has in mind for all this....

The intensity is not overwhelming, but rather refreshing in the midst of a challenge. I feel myself being refreshed, despite the fact that it is a somewhat dry season for me. There will be no burning bushes or miraculous visions this time around, figuratively speaking... but there is a sense of discipline and guidance being slowly established... a foundation of sorts.

Imagine that: building your life about the solid foundation of Christ. Seems simple enough, but yet so complicated. I'm already partly built, half of that rock, half floating in the air. The challenging is to shift things and make the pieces connect in the most structurally stable way possible. Then perhaps, we can step back and try to figure out what the architect has in mind.

The innerworkings of His mind are way too great for me to even attempt to understand; afterall, I can barely figure out what is happening in my own mind. There are a million questions racing through my head... and a million answers that I seek to find. Where to begin is the challenge. And then, I still ask myself on a regular basis if my mind is slowly fleeing from me... am I losing it? I wish sometimes that I could say that I was, it would be so much simplier that way.

I'm not sure what to think... or what I know... but what I cannot deny is that God wants me here and there is purpose in it. I know that in my heart, and it has been confirmed by others... what the purpose may be is really the mystery that I have yet to discover...

One look at the church bulletin and I started laughing to myself. My brother, confused, asked what I was mocking in the announcements... nothing. It's nothing... o but it is everything. I'm home for one church service, attending Pentecost Sunday in my old fashion Lutheran Church. The beauty, the irony, the purpose...

I found myself missing a church that I had been attending in DC.. I found myself missing the singing, the band, the freedom to move and to reach out, to kneel, to speak... i found myself seeking a charismatic worship style. Awkward, since I am the spokesman for the importance of tradition... a good hymn melts my heart.. yet this morning, I really wanted to sing Song of Hope...

Pentecost Sunday, as I remember it growing up, normally consists of acknowledgment of the birth of the church, scripture readings in accordance with the liturgical calendar, a sermon on the importance of church involvement.... and no further explanation. Generally, the Holy Spirit is played down and not really explained... so Pentecost remains a mystery that no one discusses.

In fact, the first time I remember hearing the season explained was at Lutherlyn during confirmation camp.. and I remember being fairly confused. Actually, I think I remained fairly confused until I sat through an information session on the Holy Spirit early this year. I reread the scripture and it finally makes sense to me... the first time I truly understand the significance of Pentecost, I honestly find immense joy in celebrating it, and I am back in my home church where we don't discuss it.

However, we have a new temporary pastor, and this pastor was different than most I have met. My mam told me that she told the congregation that God is trying to use her to speak to our dying church, to return it to theological truth, and to revive the congregation. After hearing her preach, I believe it. This little old lady is definitely a blessing to my church, even if they don't realize it yet.

She emphasized all the right points that no one touches upon in my church. She focused on edifying one's personal relationship with God for the purpose of fulfilling the commission that we were all given. She used scripture with contextual accuracy, she incorporated prayer with highest regard, and she even hit upon the Holy Spirit topic by mentioning that we should celebrate the unity that comes with everyone having access to one heavenly language. I only smiled because I know that she has God's touch upon her life and her calling in this small town, and while no one else in the service may have realized what she was referring on this Pentecost Sunday or that she feels like she is called to attempt to revive the church... I smile because I know.

To add to the smiling, the pastor added an additional section to the prayers of the church portion of the service today. She prayed a quick line for anyone who was considering pursuing a religious vocation would receive guidance and discernment as they begin that journey. It was an unusual format and topic, that didn't flow with the rest of the prayers of the church... yet it stood apart and struck a beat in my heart.

My heart is trying to find a place where it belongs...

Normally I at least try to format my thoughts in some long, drawn out overly dramatic metaphor or something.. but today I am just going to be fragmented

I miss AU/DC already. car ride home= awkward. uncle called me naive and said that i need to grow up and realize money is more important than happiness sometimes. complains about family, then complains about me escaping it. so confused by him. home = same pretty much. sisters seem like zombies. cody is clingy. can tell he misses me. love my dog. raz wont leave my side. saw grandparents last night.. drunk but glad to see me. mom was at bar all night. saw her this morning. nothing new.

met sisters' case worker. seems nice. enchanted by my mom and her ability to create one like me. the cycle never changes, but at least help is help even at minimal levels.

went to school. totally different. people still act like i own place, but i no longer feel connected to it everyone glad to see me. a bit disappointed in my lack of direction of my life. tylus told me that i need to focus. to decide my purpose and get a degree . and then worry about job after... she speaks wisdom. but not in the same sense she used to.. its a bit different now... did say that im always trying to remember myself as a hardass or a bad kid and that i need to realize that i was always one of the good ones.. and that that is okay.. some people are just made to be good ones... i wonder if im still trying to hard to be a bad ass... sometimes i think that i am.. but at the same time... i wonder if i am really a good kid or if i just try to be one.

makes one wonder if i have any clue whatsoever what i am doing with my life. some days i think i know. others i have no idea.. and then there are days when i see fifty million options and i want to take either all of the above or none of the above.. no option in between.

this is weird. nothings changed. little things have.. but the major change is me. cant explain how or in what ways.. but.. yeah.

good to be here. better to leave. wish i had some clarity to accompany me. im starting to get excited for montana...yes, i said it. im starting to look forward to a bit of time with God, and some crazy Christian folk, in the mountains....

Sometimes I can only smile at the irony that is my life... a true smile that peaks with watery eyes... because I have seen the radiance of the sun. A smile. So rare, so precious... especially upon my face. A smile full of wonder, of gratitude, and of hope. A smile... says so much more than words could ever express.

There is a smile on my countenance at the moment... there is a smile within my soul... and there is a face greater than I can ever imagine smiling down at me right now.

The power of a smile...

Why smiling? The path we take may not lead to the journey we expected, but sometimes the true purpose of the journey is the journey itself. Sometimes time is of essence and sometimes scenic detours are necessary...

A smile... Chronos continues as Kairos prevails...

I was introduced to the concept Monday night... and midway through my interview Tues, I suddenly knew that my Kairos has not yet arrived. Confused because I, myself, never felt like this point in chronos was the right time to move forward, but rather I felt pressed from a higher timekeeper to continue... I questioned even the interview as to why the time might not theoretically be right. I awaited the decision, but in my heart I knew that it was not my Kairos. Why would I be placed on a path if this chronos does not correspond with what I am designed to do ? Who is keeping time anyhow? Am I imagining the timekeeper? I wrote the word Kairos on my arm shortly after the interview because I knew that I needed to remember that it was yet to come... and didn't mention my conflicting this is not the right chronos vibe to anyone until Thursday night. Thursday I pulled a close friend aside and expressed my extreme frustration with my conflicting vibes and how it was pulling on my faith. Not in the scope of the one circumstance, but in the scope of my life. Everything is conflicting vibes.. I'm here, but my spirit wants to go... where I do not know, but to go, to help, to serve... yet this is not the time for that. My friend reminded me of and of purpose and of the importance of preparation... he reminded me why I should be smiling...

Last night, eh officially this morning, my feelings were confirmed as I saw the conversation play out in front of me just as I already knew that it would. If it didn't, I would have had to make the same assertion. A smile... A relief. It's a matter of Kairos in chronos, and this is not my Kairos...

So timekeeper, why shine your light upon a path in this point in chronos if it is not my Kairos? Ah, because sometimes it is the journey, not the destination, that is important. A smile... it's not my Kairos for that circumstance or for going to be the person I was designed to be.... yet....

O the wait for the Kairos... I know that is coming.. and I know that it will be greater than I can even imagine...

Still smiling....

My inability to write is more than annoying at this point in time. There is much on my mind right now, but no words to properly express the chaos ...

Everyone is talking about going home... I don't know where my home is... Everyone is discussing how excited they are to see their families.... I doubt that mine cares where I am or where I'm headed... Everyone is saying how much they will miss their friends... I don't know that I can say that I know what it is like to be missed...

Once again, I feel isolated in the middle of a crowd. I feel alone. Sometimes I wonder... If I disappeared, would anyone notice? If they did, would they care? I feel like I know a million people, yet sometimes I feel as if I don't have anyone that I can trust ...

I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that I will never be able to lose this feeling. It's not a depression or even a sadness... but rather a stillness within my uneasy spirit. It's a bittersweet joy actually. I'm more happy than I have ever been in my life, but my mind is hungrier than ever and my soul is thirstier than it has ever been before ...

I guess this is what homesickness feels like, and I'm convinced that I will feel it my entire life... until.. I actually return home. At least I know where that is... =]

This entry has no song or movie reference attached, but rather, a reference to a favorite poem instead. I am just going to be a straight shooter for once, or rather, I am going to be slightly less metaphoric and vague compared to usual..or not.

I have been getting a bit of feedback from God lately, and for once, I have a choice to make...
The options are simple 1) follow the path He has set before me and embrace all the gifts that come along with it, even though I have no clue as to where it will lead for sure. 2) Turn to the left about 90 degrees and take the other path that He has set to the side in case I chickened out of the first one. Currently I am standing sideways, looking at the fork in the road. I want the path that is ahead of me, but the right side is wider and straighter and looks so much more aesthetically appealing. Both options have their benefits, and God won't necessarily spite me for choosing either, but if I turn away I will be missing out on an amazing opportunity.

If I hesitate too long, the opportunity will pass by, and perhaps I'll lose my calling along the way. If I do choose to see where the windy path leads, I need to leave everything else behind because it is way too narrow to drag all my baggage across with me. Granted, I have no clue where either leads; both paths could end in the same location, but one certainly has more adventure along the way.

Oh the baggage, what is this baggage that I speak of? This baggage is more or less my resistance, my defense mechanisms. My personal sin issues. My unwillingness to change. What I have difficulty recognizing is that He doesn't want me to change who I am- He created me... He loves who I am, or at least the version of me that He created me to be. He just wants to see His child peel away the dark veil that is keeping her from seeing the true Glory of His face. He wants me to shine, but I keep trying to dim my light as not to draw attention to myself. There is danger in that resistance because the more I play with the electricity , the less it is able to circuit. So essentially, I have been blocking God's power from flowing through me.

How do I approach this issue? Well, if I so choose to open my mind and heart to the possibilities that come with surrendering my journey to God and following Him where ever He leads me, I need to show Him that I am obedient and committed to Him, and Him alone. To do so, I need to show a sign of willingness to live a life of discipline by fasting for at least a week or until my mind and body are controlled by my spirit because "The spirit is indeed willing, but the flesh is weak." I need to stop talking and allow things to fall into place, but I do need to make sure that someone is holding me accountable.

Sounds confusing.... yet it is so clear. My time to show I am truly ready for the next step is limited, and this is a decision that needs to be made sooner rather than later. The longer I wait to decide... the less likely I am to take the road less traveled.

"

There's always a better way
there's always a bridge that needs crossings
there's always the straight and the narrow
the wide and the shallow
But I know that you're guiding me
and the best is yet to come
You've given me hope for tomorrow
and I know some day

I'll wake up to find
Your glory defined
and I will finally bow at Your feet
I will lift up Your name in honor and praise
when I cross over Jordan
I know that I'll be running home to You

It's always the simple things
it's always the obvious that crashes over me
It's always in front of me
it helps me to remember
this is what I live for
and I can't wait..."

Enough said... I'm at a loss for words... even though my mind is still all over the place. I need to be done discussing and worrying about things. Everything will work out; it always does. =]

"I want to know You
I want to hear Your voice
I want to know You more
I want to touch You
I want to see Your face
I want to know You more"

Yeah, that pretty much says it. I have had extremely mixed feelings concerning just about everything lately. Part of me wants to run far away from everything that is working on my heart, only to return to being the hardass that I really am. The other part of me, the overwhelming majority, is interested in pushing through this anxiousness and seeing what lies ahead. There is no question that the minority loses out, but that doesn't mean that it didn't deserve an equal amount of consideration first. The period for deliberation is coming to a close.... and the verdict is....

"I am reaching for the highest goal
That I might receive the prize
Pressing onward
Pushing every hindrance aside
Out of my way
Cause, I want to know You more." - Sonic Flood.

One of my favorite movies of all time describes exactly how I feel right now:

"How many days have I lost? How can I get back to the place where I started? I'm outside a house, trying to find my way in, but it's locked and the blinds are down, and I've lost the key, and I can't remember what the rooms look like or where I put anything. And if I dare go inside, I wonder, will I ever be able to find my way out?"

Proof is a gem of a movie that not too many people are familiar with... so let me briefly explain the premise. There is a brilliant young mathematician who fears that she is going crazy like her father. So she runs away from her work and her life; she wants nothing to do with the numbers that were making her feel as if she was mad. Then, she is encouraged to go back to it and she knows she has to do so... but she is afraid of diving back in for several reasons. She is afraid of not being able to get back to the point were she once was. Partly because she has been away from it for so long that she isn't even convinced that she did the work to begin with. Secondly, she is afraid of jumping back in and never being able to get out. Not to mention, that she still is not sure of whether or not she is going insane.

I'm at that point. There are three things holding me back. 1) Uncertainty that I was ever in the house to begin with, worrying if my memories were once realities. 2) Fear of not being able to get back into the house, which only enhances my fear of insanity. 3) Fear of never being able to leave if I can get back inside.

So now I find myself in front of the house... not actively looking for the key ... but know that I will at least have to attempt to go back inside.

I always wondered why this song was titled Chocolate, but now I think I understand. Chocolate is an addiction of sorts, a nostalgia, a way to ease the pain, a way to celebrate the occasion . some people hate it, some people love it, and some cannot live without it. Chocolate is all things to all people. While the song in actuality has absolutely nothing to do with chocolate, it does portray an accurate description of what it is like to realize that your dependency lies on one thing... that there is only one thing that can be your everything.

""You're the only thing that I love
It scares me more every day
On my knees I think clearer
.....
I promise I'll do anything you ask...this time"

That pretty much summarizes my thoughts and feelings at the moment. I am so in love with my God... and I am honestly afraid, or rather extremely nervous/intimidated, of what lies ahead. Prayer allows me to think clearly, but when I get up off my knees, nothing seems to make sense anymore. At once I have clarity and confusion, stability and instability, wisdom and pure stupidity... I wonder if I am crazy sometimes.

The truth is that maybe I am just losing my mind, but ... borrowing the words and sentiments of the Matrix Revolutions:

"It is remarkable how similar the pattern of love is to the pattern of insanity ..."

"I like [insert stuff i actually like here]
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything

The things that I've loved the things that I've lost
The things I've held sacred that I've dropped
I won't lie no more you can bet
I don't want to learn what I'll need to forget"


Sometimes I love stuff that doesn't remind me of anything. Why? Because it is safer that way. When something reminds you of something else your mind races... and one thing leads to another... and then you have to try to forget it all over again. I am starting to become really tired of trying to forget things. It is becoming increasingly harder to find things that don't remind me of anything.

I love to say I don't remember or that I don't know, but often the truth is that I am just afraid of remembering or admitting that I know because then I can't forget it. Once something is said it cannot be unsaid. Once something is written down, you can't take back your words. Even if you erase them, the fact is that they were still documented at one point in time.

Documentation is so binding. Once you make a binding statement, you cannot easily retract it. My fear is that maybe I am completely wrong. Maybe I am unintentionally lying to myself about everything. What if I am fabricating things in my mind? What if ....? I do not want to have to retract a statement. I want to be sure before I make any declaration.

Yet, I know... or at least I know enough to know a little.

" When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe"

Okay, okay, perhaps a John Mayer love song isn't the best way to start this entry, but I love those first four lines. Just reflect on those lines and ignore the rest of the song for me...

Let's play the what if game... some random questions to ponder...

What if your dreams spoke to you? What if they showed you television images of your past, present, and future? What if they showed you symbolism and metaphors revealing the deeper things in life? What if your dreams became realities? What if you could occasionally interpret the dreams of others? Would you want to sleep, would you want to dream, would you want to talk about it?

What if you just knew things sometimes? What if you had that gut feeling that you think that you should follow ? What if you had vibes about people, if you had glimpses into who they are and what they feel? What if you could see through people, if you could tell whether or not they were telling the truth? What if you could just sense good and bad situations by seeing or hearing about them? Would you act upon it, share it, or discuss it?

What if you knew what the theme of your life was? What if you understood the purpose of your past? What if you could see some of the path ahead in your future? What if you wanted to take a different journey, but knew that that wasn't your mission? Would you claim it, reveal it, or accept it?

What if.... ? Would you? Could you? Would you want to?

" Savior I come
Quiet my soul remember
Redemptions hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost"


So, I did the unspeakable in my household.... I became one of those people. One of those born again rebaptized Christians. I honestly don't know that I would consider myself that, but if I told my mom what I did... she would. I consider myself a women of faith, a servant leader trying to follow the teachings of my Lord, and a child of God. I would consider myself a mere human fallen into sin, but saved by God's grace and His sacrifice on the cross. I won't say that I was saved or anointed or anything like that. I won't say that I am an evangelical, baptist, lutheran, or any other denomination. I won't categorize or try to define my faith. I am not religious. I am not necessarily spiritual. I am not trying to be any of those things, nor would I want to be. All I want to be is faithful - to my Father in heaven, to my Lord and Savior, to the Spirit that guides and empowers me.

I am not one of those people, I don't want to be one of those people, I never will be one of those people... I simply want to be one of His people.

That is why I had to take a plunge and publicly admit that I am one of His people... I had to do it so that I had a marker to remind myself that I am one of His people... so I did it, I was baptized.

So, I declare I am one of God's people... and I ask Him to lead me to the cross...

"Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross"

"Please come love
I think I'm falling
Holding on to all I think is safe
It seems I've found the road to no where
And i'm trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say...

Hold me now
I'm 6 feet from the edge
And I'm thinkin
Maybe 6 feet ain't so far down

I'm lookin down
Now that its over
Reflecting on all of my mistakes
I thought I found the road to somewhere
Somewhere in His grace
I cried out
Heaven save me
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say
Let me say..

Hold me now"

- Creed

Music, Movies, Books... how they all cut to the core of me. I am a writer at heart, words are like spoken music.. and lately my heart hasn't been able to sing. I have not been able to write. I have not been able to articulately express my thoughts. It's as if my candle- that inner flame that fuels the passion of your soul- has been extinguished. Word- both written and spoken- is how my soul cries out. However, lately silence has been speaking so much louder than words.. and we all know how fearful I am of that creature. Silence is a monster. It lurks around the corners and under your bed... it waits until you are all alone and then it pounces. It pounces with fury, causing a million things to pound down on your shoulders. It makes your head spin and your hands shake. Silence is deafening because its scream is louder than any audible words. I have been hiding from this demon my entire life. Now it has come out to play, and I am running straight into its trap. My soul has become silent. I cannot write. I cannot speak. I cannot even think clearly. My words are imprisoned in its deadly grip. Silence is slowly killing me, or rather it is breaking me down. Perhaps it isn't entirely a bad thing. Perhaps silence is just a different form of stillness. In that case, "Be still my child for I am here" has a whole new meaning to me. Maybe part of being still is being silent. Maybe words need to be held captive so that one can truly listen. Maybe for once, I just need to listen without questioning, without clearly expressing my thoughts and concerns. Maybe silence is actually a blessing in disguise. Personally, I am starting to feel as if silence is that rabbit hole in your mind. Once you dive into it, you cannot escape. You see a distant image of what you left behind, an image of who you are and the world around you. That is a reality that pierces all understanding. At the same time, in silence fragments of the future fester and pick away at your composure. There is no hiding from time as it freezes in the moment. You're in the rabbit hole, in mid fall... and you find yourself just floating there. You want to scream as you fall, but the noise is swallowed by the silent abyss. You want to cry for help, but everything is frozen in the moment. Everything is still, everything is silent. I hate that feeling. I want to continue falling. I want to fall hard, flat on my face... and I want it to hurt, and hurt badly. I want to hit rock bottom, just so that i can stand up, scrape of the bruises and find another hole. Or, I want to claw my way to the top and escape the fall. Either way, I do NOT want to be suspended in mid fall examining the position and the angle of my descent. I want control of that.. control of the speed, the angle, control of my position. I don't mind the fall, as long as I can fall my way. Yet, I am stuck in silence and stillness- suspended from words and motion. I am so out of my element... and so confused by my unwillingness to stand still. When you are so used to falling, it is so hard to stand on your feet and walk anywhere. Damn it, I want to fall! I want to fall that way I can scream and fight it, and prepare myself for the impact of crashing into the ground. I do not want to play this game of being still and moving inch by inch... I want to crash. I like the feeling. I like the rocks embedded in my knees and the cuts up and down my arms.. I like the pain. At least I know what it feels like. It is comfortable. More familiar than walking or standing still... falling is something that I know. It is something that I am good at. I want to fall, and I want to fall hard and now. I don't understand the concept of staying put or calling out for help or having a rope thrown into the hole... no, I want my rock bottom back.. because when I am at rock bottom, I can be a rock. I like the rock. The unfortunate scenario is that I cannot have that because that kind of rock is no permanent. It fades and changes from hole to hole. There is only one permanent rock, but I am too busy trying to grasp at stones to hang on to it. I don't want to attach. I like looking at the rock, and grasping onto it for support when I need it most, but I don't want to attach to it. I want to be my own rock, not a lichen on a larger one. Yet, I fail to realize that I am just that a lichen. I am not a rock, I am just a disposable mass of some organic material that really isn't good for much by myself. I need a colony of lichen and I place to attach myself to survive. I know this, but I am in denial. I still think that I am a rock... or at least I want to be a rock. The stillness is forcing me to look at myself and say hmm maybe you are organic.. maybe you didn't manufacture yourself over an extended period of time. I am not comfortable with that observation. Organic material decomposes and is extremely vulnerable to the elements.. it has to depend on nutrients and resources to survive. Whereas, a rock just simply exists on its own accord. Damn it, i am a rock. I don't need anything to survive... but then I forget that water, air, nourishment.. yeah, rocks don't need that.. lichen do. I am a lichen and I need something to attach to in order to survive. The question is whether I am going to pull some stones together and try to built my own support.. or am I going to attach to the larger, indestructible rock... how long can I avoid being a lichen when my DNA and my heart are screaming that I am and that I need to take my place and join the existing colony...

I am six feet from the edge and I'm falling..... so Hold me now.

It has been a long time since I have written in here... I went to Mexico. That was good times. As much as I wish this post was about Mexico and good times, it isn't. It is more about me falling apart. I want my identity back. Yes, I want my identity back. I want to be Kera again. The problem with that is that in order to achieve that, I have been falling back into old habits and old thought patterns. I am sick of this identity being God thing, which means that I am clearly headed in the wrong direction. I was trying so hard to God center my life that I have now began to rebel against a God-centered life. It's hard to explain, and even harder to understand. Essentially, I am trying to stop myself from crashing and it is taking a toll on me. I know my thoughts and actions aren't correct, but it's hard to keep from falling into the trap of being me and only depending on myself again. I'm trying... but.. eh I'm not sure of what I want.

Part of me wants me... part of me wants God.. I'm sure the two could coexist, but I am afraid of what that looks like because the former must change if I truly focus on the latter...

Perhaps Montana is the route to go.. but part of me wants home.. because the devil you know is better than the devil you don't.... and I'm not sure I know or want to know the true essence of who I am.

The song is inspirational.. and there was a distinct moment when I specifically remember the sentiment " Be Still my child... fore I am here with you".... but right now, it is becoming more difficult to be still.

My mind is racing a thousand miles and a hour, but I'm not really getting anything accomplished.
Three major categories are home, friends, and life. The problems are vast, and I am trying as hard as I can to continue treading water.

HOME= bad. Summary, Cody seems more depressed than ever. My mom is addicted to the computer and chatting.. having people from internet visit and racking up international calls on her phone bill... sounds like she may lose her job.. actually so would my grandparents if the club closes because they just busted for illegal slot machines again.. my brother said my mom is talking to some guy who thinks he is a warlock and is trying to learn spells through the Wiccan religion and what not... so my mom is losing her mind, drinking up a storm, and leaving my brother to do all the cooking and housework essentiallly... and he is cracking and failing classes and what not...

Friends.... well, yeah I don't get this concept and I don't want to go there.

Life... health = not good.. im so out of shape.. my grades aren't great... thinks are crashing...


But I'm going to be still...

I haven't wrote in this for awhile... now, I'm writing... why? well there is a lot to update on.. and I'd love to do so.. but right now, I am pissed. For lack of better words, yes, I am pissed off. At what? Life in general.

So, when I actually pull things back together... I'll be back to do a real update. God always uses these moments for good... so this should prove to be an interesting time period.

" All that I have
I lay before
With my pride on the floor
Cause to you less is more"

Anticipating Lent, I have decided to fast some things this time around...
I can't do an all out fast, and I think that just giving up one thing isn't enough...
so, here is the list of things I am giving up- either because I'm border line addicted or they are just really bad habits.

potatoes in any form
pasta
adding extra cheese to anything (if it already has cheese, that's fine, but I always seem to add cheese)
pop
juice
tea
coffee
chocolate/cookies/sweets/muffins
chips
ice cream
pizza
buying stuff from vending machines
talking about people. (its not that i even do it in a bad way... I just happen to talk a lot and mention a lot of people in the process... normally revealing more than I intend to or more than I should.. not in a im revealing your secrets way, but in a general I talk too much way)
minimum talking in hints and riddles, overcompensating, complaining, talking about myself, swearing.

Let's see if I can do this...

" I pour out myself, before you were Lord
I hold nothing back, 'cause to you less is more
And may these words on my heart on my lips,
Somehow mean so much more than this"

"All the small things
True care truth brings"

It's really easy to loose track of all the small things in life.. when in reality, the small things are some of the most precious and valuable things that we encounter. Laughter, phone calls from friends, a simple hello, a sunny day... the little things that bring a smile to someone's face. The small things, however, can also be some of the most painful things in life as well. One moment can haunt a person forever and one missing element is someone's life can leave them feeling shallow and empty. Without question, the small things are powerful things in life...

The true care truth brings... Truth with a capital T... the truth of God's grace and faithfulness brings true care. That is incredible... and it is awesome to see how all the small things add up to form the larger picture.. the plan that God has for each one of us...

So here's to the small things- the good and the bad- that make us who we are... =]

"You and I were made to worship
You and I are called to love
You and I are forgiven and free
When you and I embrace surrender
When you and I choose to believe
Then you and I will see who we were meant to be"

It all makes sense. We were made to worship and serve God... not because that is what we should do because that is why He created us, but because God is amazingly faithful to us and we should give Him all glory and praise.

We are called to love. Jesus told us to love the Lord our God above all things and to love our neighbors as ourselves. His mission was to reconcile a fallen people with their heavenly Father while spreading the love of heaven on Earth. Following in His footsteps we should do the same.

We are forgiven. We are free. Our bindings to the physical world and the power of sin were broken on the cross and we have the capacity to serve God in the fullest.

When we embrace surrender, when we choose to believe.... God is beyond powerful in our lives. When we put ourselves- all of ourselves- at the foot of His throne, he shows us amazing things. When we put everything into His hands and trust Him... we can truly see who we were meant to be.

I realize all of this. I embrace surrender. I believe.... and I am quickly beginning to see who I was meant to be. It is becoming clear, yet increasingly confusing and intense. I'm going with it and embracing it... because I was made for this. I'm going to continue to worship, to embrace, to believe, to love with all my heart, to thank God for His grace and thankfulness.... because I want to do so. I long to seek His face... My goal, my focus, my life, my everything are all centered on God...

" I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been."

I have been thinking about the value of a year, a month, a week.... thinking about how much I have changed over time. Just earlier this year, I was as fake as fake could be. I was rebelling against people and treating people like total crap. I argued things that I did not believe in, I told stories that were not my own, I lied whether possible... just to keep people from getting to know me. I wanted people to hate me because it was easier that way. Then, around fall break, I decided to drop that and attempt to be myself and to be true... however, I just became defensive. My defense mechanism is revealing to you whatever you ask of me as to appear open and collected.. and then putting up solid walls anytime you touch upon something that is guarded in my heart. Then, my heart softened and times change.. and I am 100% back to being Kera... and I am definitely a new and improved version.

However, there are incidents and conversations and first impressions that I can never take back and I wish I could like no other. Who I am definitely hates who I was and where I was going... For all those who got to see a side of me that I do not like and that really doesn't exist... I'm extremely sorry. I would take it back if I could and be genuine from the beginning. Since I can't do that .. .

I am going to say this again:

"I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been."

Well, once again God is great... I can't explain this one because its not mine to explain... but to a friend that is in my thoughts and prayers right now:

"I see a side of you my friend
the same struggles that I have
my heart goes out to you
I know its hard to feel alone
and this world's so unforgiving
I've been feeling that way too
but I can tell you

Is that you?
Is this me
It's sometimes hard to believe that
I am not alone

its not just you
and not just me
we all need to believe that
we are not alone"

It's okay.. new beginnings are good... go with it. You are not alone.


Personal side of this note: I can sense the difference and the calling.... sooner than I thought. Clearer than I thought. A little direction would be nice, but I don't need it because I trust the One paving the way for me... still incredible.

" Looking for something I've never seen
Alone and I'm in between
The place that I'm from and the place that I'm in"

So the Fray's song Trust Me is somewhat applicable to my life right now...

I'm learning to trust God full heartedly even when it doesn't feel right on a rational or emotional level. In the last few weeks I have had to make some of the most difficult decisions I have faced in awhile, and while not all of them make sense to me.... while I know that they are the right paths for me. I have issues articulating why because it is above and beyond me. I'm slightly confused, but things are so clear as to what I need to do.

" You need me less than I need you"

I'm just afraid of losing friendships and opportunities along the way. I mean it is nice to say that doors will open, but it is a bit harsher to see a few doors that I'd love to see open begin to creep shut in front of my eyes. It's difficult to explain why you are doing something that you don't necessarily want to do.... but my priorities and my trust lie in one place.. so I'm following my heart- praying that the Spirit is guiding it where it needs to go.

"Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me! "

One of my favorite Bible verses.... Matthew 7:7... also the concept is repeated in Luke 11:9. It has had great impact on my life- even more so recently, and being that it was just referenced in the XA newsletter.... I feel the need to comment on it a bit.

The basic point = Ask and you shall receive; seek and you shall find; knock and it will opened to you. The concept is that if you desire, God will fulfill. The misconception is that God will fulfill our every desire. The problem is that not all desires are godly, not all questions are deserving of answers, all who seek are not looking for the right things or for the right reasons, and we don't always knock on the right door. The second concept in this passage, in my personal opinion, is the idea that if you put your trust in God- if your heart is truly focused on Him and His will when you ask, seek, and knock.. He will provide because He is faithful.

I was asking and seeking and knocking for quite awhile. The frustration of not receiving, finding, and seeing doors open was actually leading me away from God. Instead of focusing my heart on His will... I was focusing my heart on the material manifestations and/or the instant gratification that I wanted to see. I was not trusting God to provide for me. I mean I accepted that everything happened for a reason and that God knew best, but I wasn't happy with it.. I wasn't necessarily submitting or obeying or anything like that. I was just frustrated with the lack of result. My approach was"The Bible says if I ask, I'll receive. Well, God I'm asking... when will the receiving begin?"

My heart was in the wrong place. If I would have opened my eyes and my ears to the Lord, I would have seen that He was providing me with exactly what I needed throughout my life. He was opening doors, but instead of running through them... I was standing at the edge and He was shoving me through as I was kicking and screaming in resistance. Now, I stand corrected. Now, I understand... but I only have that clarity because I focused my heart on God and His will.

My simple prayer was "God show me things as they are, not as I want them to be or I was taught that they were..... Show me Your will, draw me closer to You... on Your terms not mine". That was it. A simple prayer. Asking for reality, for relationship, and for God's will to unfold. When my heart changed focus.... the meaning of my favorite passage did as well.

I asked... I received answers. I have sought, and I have found. I have knocked, and the doors have opened.. and this has been occurring my entire life. I just now realize it. Now that I ask, seek, and knock focusing on God... things are different and I can only smile in response to the results.

So keep on asking, seeking, and knocking.... God is listening. He is faithful and He will provide... but He responses based on His will -fore He knows all and we know nothing- when you think the answers, findings, and doors aren't there. You are looking in the wrong places for the wrong things.... because God will provide all that you need....

He has for me. He has shown me even in times where I was looking away from Him and seeking earthly gratification rather than a relationship with Him and spiritual growth. I am extremely grateful for His faithfulness.

"Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside! "

"Does anyone out there feel alone
Can anyone hear me
Down and out, your heart is cold
It's never easy
But if you believe that there is hope
Than sing it with me"

Despite the fact that in my heart I know that I have amazing friends- with my best friend being my God. However, as my eighteenth year comes to a close and my nineteenth is about to begin next week... I cannot help but question that concept. I feel as if this is going to be another Proof birthday. Hmm... what do I mean by that? Well, Proof is by far one of my favorite movies and it strikes a cord with my heart. There is a scene in the beginning of the movie where the main character is sitting alone and her father is asking why she isn't out celebrating her birthday... He says" I hope you're not spending your birthday alone... Aren't your friends taking you out?" And she response, "Nope... For your friends to take you out, you have to have friends. Funny how that works." Soo... last year I was promised a decent birthday outing from a friend and she bailed out on me despite it being her idea. Every other year, it has been quiet with family or without much due to my own request. This year, I'm keeping the I'm not planning anything stance... and despite the fact that some people have mentioned the possibility of doing something- I think it will be another proof year.

I'm really struggling with the concept of friendship. Despite the optirealist approach I take to life, I cannot grasp the idea of solid, non-ulterior motive friendship. I don't necessarily know what it looks like and I don't do well with responding to it. Over all, I just kinda want some closure... knowing that there are people who choose to be there for me. People who have no obligation, no blood ties, no products of circumstance.... who I can trust and who genuinely care about me. This is a rather selfish concept, but I'm human and comrades are necessary. I have issues believing that this time of friendship exists.... yet I also have people who are confusing me to no end because they may fit the profile of friendship that I do not understand. It's a fun paradox.

Overall, I come back to the same point over and over again. I don't need to depend on people or to lean on people. Friendship is not a necessity in life. It is a gift that God gave us so that we wouldn't be alone through our processes of growth and maturity... He gave us friends so that we felt earthly companionship while we await our journey home to Him. After all He is our best friend always- He created us, He provides for us, He died for us, He has shown us the sacrificial love that comes with the ultimate friendship- being in a personal relationship with God. So yeah, I do have a friend like that! We all do.

I just kinda need to fill in the sketchy gaps of the concept of earthly friendship.. because if earthly friendship is based on godly perspective... it can be incredible. So right now what I need from my friends is this:

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend."

"And now I'm sunny with a High of 75
Since You took my heavy heart
And made it light

And its funny how you find
You enjoy your life
When you're happy to be alive"

I'm back home. Home as in Washington, D.C. ... I love this campus and this city more and more each day. I am still smiling and extremely happy with my life! All I need is a job, and I'll be set.

Right now, my concerns are minimal and my joys are great. No further comments. =]

"In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness "

So, I must put this in writing to the best of my ability - which is not going to even come remotely close to doing it justice so I'm going to bullet the facts. My life has been transformed. So SALT summary:

Day 1: I realized that tongues existed. Knew that the three days were about to rock my world and change my life. Prayed to see things as they are, not as I want them to be and not as I was taught to think they should be.

Day 2: Was specifically given the message that politics is not my calling. Counseling- in what capacity I do not know- is my calling. Nuclear Impact= my passions, my gifts, my calling= helping others. I learned the power of prayer. Heard of miracles. Had someone pray for me and then reveal to me how I am like Hannah - and I feel he is right. Things cleared up, internal struggle ensued. Prayed that God would reveal truth on his terms, not mine. I learned about prophesy. Had group prophesy over me. Fence, wall, television= freedom, clarity. Amazing. Brought in new year with prayer. Heard things inside my head from my heart which were directly from God. Tried to resist, but desired to know more. Clarity meant a new level of relationship with Him and He was revealing things to me. Once again, amazing.

Day 3: Learned how to share testimony. Learned all about the Holy Spirit. Incredible sense of clarity- internal struggle not to resist continued- but desire for God was soo strong. Recommitted my life to my Lord. Became fully grateful for my life and everything that has happened during it. Was released of fear, confusion, and feeling of suffering. Was Baptized in the Holy Spirit. Won't go into detail, but wow. Had someone prophesy over my life, reveal my inner thoughts, affirm what God revealed to me, confirm my vague purpose and gifts in life... was left speechless. Continued to strengthen my relationship with God.

Day 4 and continuing: Still smiling. Life was changed forever. God is great!

" I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered"