My inability to write is more than annoying at this point in time. There is much on my mind right now, but no words to properly express the chaos ...

Everyone is talking about going home... I don't know where my home is... Everyone is discussing how excited they are to see their families.... I doubt that mine cares where I am or where I'm headed... Everyone is saying how much they will miss their friends... I don't know that I can say that I know what it is like to be missed...

Once again, I feel isolated in the middle of a crowd. I feel alone. Sometimes I wonder... If I disappeared, would anyone notice? If they did, would they care? I feel like I know a million people, yet sometimes I feel as if I don't have anyone that I can trust ...

I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that I will never be able to lose this feeling. It's not a depression or even a sadness... but rather a stillness within my uneasy spirit. It's a bittersweet joy actually. I'm more happy than I have ever been in my life, but my mind is hungrier than ever and my soul is thirstier than it has ever been before ...

I guess this is what homesickness feels like, and I'm convinced that I will feel it my entire life... until.. I actually return home. At least I know where that is... =]

This entry has no song or movie reference attached, but rather, a reference to a favorite poem instead. I am just going to be a straight shooter for once, or rather, I am going to be slightly less metaphoric and vague compared to usual..or not.

I have been getting a bit of feedback from God lately, and for once, I have a choice to make...
The options are simple 1) follow the path He has set before me and embrace all the gifts that come along with it, even though I have no clue as to where it will lead for sure. 2) Turn to the left about 90 degrees and take the other path that He has set to the side in case I chickened out of the first one. Currently I am standing sideways, looking at the fork in the road. I want the path that is ahead of me, but the right side is wider and straighter and looks so much more aesthetically appealing. Both options have their benefits, and God won't necessarily spite me for choosing either, but if I turn away I will be missing out on an amazing opportunity.

If I hesitate too long, the opportunity will pass by, and perhaps I'll lose my calling along the way. If I do choose to see where the windy path leads, I need to leave everything else behind because it is way too narrow to drag all my baggage across with me. Granted, I have no clue where either leads; both paths could end in the same location, but one certainly has more adventure along the way.

Oh the baggage, what is this baggage that I speak of? This baggage is more or less my resistance, my defense mechanisms. My personal sin issues. My unwillingness to change. What I have difficulty recognizing is that He doesn't want me to change who I am- He created me... He loves who I am, or at least the version of me that He created me to be. He just wants to see His child peel away the dark veil that is keeping her from seeing the true Glory of His face. He wants me to shine, but I keep trying to dim my light as not to draw attention to myself. There is danger in that resistance because the more I play with the electricity , the less it is able to circuit. So essentially, I have been blocking God's power from flowing through me.

How do I approach this issue? Well, if I so choose to open my mind and heart to the possibilities that come with surrendering my journey to God and following Him where ever He leads me, I need to show Him that I am obedient and committed to Him, and Him alone. To do so, I need to show a sign of willingness to live a life of discipline by fasting for at least a week or until my mind and body are controlled by my spirit because "The spirit is indeed willing, but the flesh is weak." I need to stop talking and allow things to fall into place, but I do need to make sure that someone is holding me accountable.

Sounds confusing.... yet it is so clear. My time to show I am truly ready for the next step is limited, and this is a decision that needs to be made sooner rather than later. The longer I wait to decide... the less likely I am to take the road less traveled.

"

There's always a better way
there's always a bridge that needs crossings
there's always the straight and the narrow
the wide and the shallow
But I know that you're guiding me
and the best is yet to come
You've given me hope for tomorrow
and I know some day

I'll wake up to find
Your glory defined
and I will finally bow at Your feet
I will lift up Your name in honor and praise
when I cross over Jordan
I know that I'll be running home to You

It's always the simple things
it's always the obvious that crashes over me
It's always in front of me
it helps me to remember
this is what I live for
and I can't wait..."

Enough said... I'm at a loss for words... even though my mind is still all over the place. I need to be done discussing and worrying about things. Everything will work out; it always does. =]

"I want to know You
I want to hear Your voice
I want to know You more
I want to touch You
I want to see Your face
I want to know You more"

Yeah, that pretty much says it. I have had extremely mixed feelings concerning just about everything lately. Part of me wants to run far away from everything that is working on my heart, only to return to being the hardass that I really am. The other part of me, the overwhelming majority, is interested in pushing through this anxiousness and seeing what lies ahead. There is no question that the minority loses out, but that doesn't mean that it didn't deserve an equal amount of consideration first. The period for deliberation is coming to a close.... and the verdict is....

"I am reaching for the highest goal
That I might receive the prize
Pressing onward
Pushing every hindrance aside
Out of my way
Cause, I want to know You more." - Sonic Flood.

One of my favorite movies of all time describes exactly how I feel right now:

"How many days have I lost? How can I get back to the place where I started? I'm outside a house, trying to find my way in, but it's locked and the blinds are down, and I've lost the key, and I can't remember what the rooms look like or where I put anything. And if I dare go inside, I wonder, will I ever be able to find my way out?"

Proof is a gem of a movie that not too many people are familiar with... so let me briefly explain the premise. There is a brilliant young mathematician who fears that she is going crazy like her father. So she runs away from her work and her life; she wants nothing to do with the numbers that were making her feel as if she was mad. Then, she is encouraged to go back to it and she knows she has to do so... but she is afraid of diving back in for several reasons. She is afraid of not being able to get back to the point were she once was. Partly because she has been away from it for so long that she isn't even convinced that she did the work to begin with. Secondly, she is afraid of jumping back in and never being able to get out. Not to mention, that she still is not sure of whether or not she is going insane.

I'm at that point. There are three things holding me back. 1) Uncertainty that I was ever in the house to begin with, worrying if my memories were once realities. 2) Fear of not being able to get back into the house, which only enhances my fear of insanity. 3) Fear of never being able to leave if I can get back inside.

So now I find myself in front of the house... not actively looking for the key ... but know that I will at least have to attempt to go back inside.

I always wondered why this song was titled Chocolate, but now I think I understand. Chocolate is an addiction of sorts, a nostalgia, a way to ease the pain, a way to celebrate the occasion . some people hate it, some people love it, and some cannot live without it. Chocolate is all things to all people. While the song in actuality has absolutely nothing to do with chocolate, it does portray an accurate description of what it is like to realize that your dependency lies on one thing... that there is only one thing that can be your everything.

""You're the only thing that I love
It scares me more every day
On my knees I think clearer
.....
I promise I'll do anything you ask...this time"

That pretty much summarizes my thoughts and feelings at the moment. I am so in love with my God... and I am honestly afraid, or rather extremely nervous/intimidated, of what lies ahead. Prayer allows me to think clearly, but when I get up off my knees, nothing seems to make sense anymore. At once I have clarity and confusion, stability and instability, wisdom and pure stupidity... I wonder if I am crazy sometimes.

The truth is that maybe I am just losing my mind, but ... borrowing the words and sentiments of the Matrix Revolutions:

"It is remarkable how similar the pattern of love is to the pattern of insanity ..."

"I like [insert stuff i actually like here]
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything

The things that I've loved the things that I've lost
The things I've held sacred that I've dropped
I won't lie no more you can bet
I don't want to learn what I'll need to forget"


Sometimes I love stuff that doesn't remind me of anything. Why? Because it is safer that way. When something reminds you of something else your mind races... and one thing leads to another... and then you have to try to forget it all over again. I am starting to become really tired of trying to forget things. It is becoming increasingly harder to find things that don't remind me of anything.

I love to say I don't remember or that I don't know, but often the truth is that I am just afraid of remembering or admitting that I know because then I can't forget it. Once something is said it cannot be unsaid. Once something is written down, you can't take back your words. Even if you erase them, the fact is that they were still documented at one point in time.

Documentation is so binding. Once you make a binding statement, you cannot easily retract it. My fear is that maybe I am completely wrong. Maybe I am unintentionally lying to myself about everything. What if I am fabricating things in my mind? What if ....? I do not want to have to retract a statement. I want to be sure before I make any declaration.

Yet, I know... or at least I know enough to know a little.

" When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe"

Okay, okay, perhaps a John Mayer love song isn't the best way to start this entry, but I love those first four lines. Just reflect on those lines and ignore the rest of the song for me...

Let's play the what if game... some random questions to ponder...

What if your dreams spoke to you? What if they showed you television images of your past, present, and future? What if they showed you symbolism and metaphors revealing the deeper things in life? What if your dreams became realities? What if you could occasionally interpret the dreams of others? Would you want to sleep, would you want to dream, would you want to talk about it?

What if you just knew things sometimes? What if you had that gut feeling that you think that you should follow ? What if you had vibes about people, if you had glimpses into who they are and what they feel? What if you could see through people, if you could tell whether or not they were telling the truth? What if you could just sense good and bad situations by seeing or hearing about them? Would you act upon it, share it, or discuss it?

What if you knew what the theme of your life was? What if you understood the purpose of your past? What if you could see some of the path ahead in your future? What if you wanted to take a different journey, but knew that that wasn't your mission? Would you claim it, reveal it, or accept it?

What if.... ? Would you? Could you? Would you want to?

" Savior I come
Quiet my soul remember
Redemptions hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost"


So, I did the unspeakable in my household.... I became one of those people. One of those born again rebaptized Christians. I honestly don't know that I would consider myself that, but if I told my mom what I did... she would. I consider myself a women of faith, a servant leader trying to follow the teachings of my Lord, and a child of God. I would consider myself a mere human fallen into sin, but saved by God's grace and His sacrifice on the cross. I won't say that I was saved or anointed or anything like that. I won't say that I am an evangelical, baptist, lutheran, or any other denomination. I won't categorize or try to define my faith. I am not religious. I am not necessarily spiritual. I am not trying to be any of those things, nor would I want to be. All I want to be is faithful - to my Father in heaven, to my Lord and Savior, to the Spirit that guides and empowers me.

I am not one of those people, I don't want to be one of those people, I never will be one of those people... I simply want to be one of His people.

That is why I had to take a plunge and publicly admit that I am one of His people... I had to do it so that I had a marker to remind myself that I am one of His people... so I did it, I was baptized.

So, I declare I am one of God's people... and I ask Him to lead me to the cross...

"Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross"