Running around, singing “This is Halloween, this is Halloween” as I clean and pack. [Fri]

“What did you do to your face?” It’s a piercing Mr. Greeter Man. Thanks for welcoming me to church on Christmas Eve; it’s nice to see you too! [Sat]

Opening gifts at my grandparent’s - I just unwrapped a bottle of flea shampoo. Hmm, either I’m getting a puppy or ... [Sun]

When asked where they’d like to go for lunch, my sisters responded. “Can we get salad? We never have fresh vegetables.”  =/ [Mon]

 I think I just ate a battered fried moth. Oh, and my failed attempt to make churros saved others from consuming my new delicacy. [Tues]

“Before social media, we didn’t think to keep a moment-by-moment breakdown of our days and to broadcast this to the world. Before social media, we would not have cared to read it. Yet today many of us update our Facebook status and Twitter streams with near-religious fervor, almost as if we have not actually experienced anything until we’ve told others about it … what we haven’t shared with the world seems like it has hardly been experienced at all” (pp. 70-71)

 As I stumbled into the elevator, I caught my reflection in the mirror and thought "damn, I look good".

A rare, foreign moment of self acceptance and approval. I won't tell you what I was wearing, in case you intend to kill my joy- but as I studied my appearance, I thought to myself "I like me. I'm cool, I'm casual, I'm collected... perhaps, maybe, I've got a chance to score the right job, the right friends, the right guy... all of which will like me too!" As the ding hinted that I was reaching my floor, I had one last thought "If I look this good and I'm out of shape, I need a haircut, I'm sick and I haven't slept in twenty-four hours... I definitely look good when I'm at my best".  So I stepped off the lift, walked down the hall to my apartment and went to bed confident that I like myself.

Rereading what I just wrote...  I find my words a bit conceited,  and I wonder if they are also a bit delusional.  98% of the time,  I don't like myself quite that much. I don't like how I look or the image I portray. For every night of self appreciation, there are two or three more where I lay my head on my pillow thinking that I'm not good enough.  A glance at a mirror often progresses to "Eh, I'm not sure I like this. And I'm out of shape, and nothing I like is in style... no wonder I don't have cool friends or a boyfriend or a successful career. If only I could do.... I might be a little closer to being likeable."

It's not a constant or controlling thought pattern -  don't be alarmed.  It's just that like much of the population, I struggle with body image and self image. It's a fact about my personality that I have known for a long time.  One that I am aware of and that I actively battle against.  I know I'm not alone, but really... do people realize how many of us regularly stare in the mirror with disgust?

Here is a glimpse* at the facts:


Many people don't like themselves. Many more think they are not good enough. This video is a small sample of statistics and it completely neglects other forms of negative self image. How many people are depressed because they feel like they aren't good enough? Do I look presentable? Am I funny? Am I skilled enough to... ? I'll never... will I?   [Insert your question here.]

Last week in small group, we talked about the foundational tenets of the Christian faith. When asked what the most important rules of life were, Jesus answered: 

 "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"

The question is: how would people feel if we treated them like we treated ourselves? 

Ponder that one for a bit.  Then consider, if God created you... if he formed you and directs you and loves you, is a negative self image a form of pride?

Imagine the perfect you.  What would would you change?

A professor once told me that the ultimate goal of a Christian is to be the you that Jesus would be if he had your strengths, your personality, your influence, your situation, your circumstances... your life.

Is that what you pictured? Or did you change the essence of who you are? To the image of magazines? To the definition of success? To a picture perfect persona found in media or movies? Do you think you could create a better you than God created? 

I'll admit that sometimes I do.  I'd erase my scars, my life experiences, my asthma, my ability to detect people lying, the fact that I often cry in public places when I'm deeply moved by something. I'd want to be a little taller, a little fitter, a lot smarter, and hilariously funny. I'd give myself more musical ability, a capacity to learn foreign languages... do I need to go on?

I'm proud enough to think that God screwed up when he created me.  And, that's just wrong. 

Allow me to interject a quick caveat, I am not saying that the desire to improve oneself cannot be godly. What I am questioning is why we have a desire to improve ourselves? Why do self help books become best sellers? Is it because we desire to be the best we can be so that we can fully contribute to the world? Or is it a desire to be the people we wish we could be in order to reach the world's idea of perfection?

For example, I have a desire to get into better physical shape. Does my desire to do so stem from dissatisfaction with my body compared to socially constructed expectations of beauty? Or does it stem from a desire to be fully healthy so that I can serve God with all my strength? One is a prideful endeavor; the other is a godly one.

All this to say, I should like myself more.  God loves me. He sees me as He created me to be, and I should value and appreciate his craftsmanship. Moreover, if I can't see myself as God sees me, how can I see you as God sees you? How can I fully love you if I never learned to love myself?

 ---------
*While this particular video doesn't offer citations, it appears to be consistent with other research I've come across.

Another "reasons why" post... more accurately titled: "Why I am doing poorly in my classes and I don't really care".

That started with a lie. But let me explain.

Once upon a time, I cried every time I got a grade less than an A. I knew I was capable of more and I screwed up, so I'd bawl like a baby.  I could do better, and I wanted to prove I could do better. My identity was being that smart kid who got As.. anything less and I started questioning who I was.

In college, I relaxed a bit.  A simple explanation is that I realized that it was my own procrastination and learned laziness  that led to A- or B+ grades. As long as I knew I could pull off a top mark, I didn't need to actually do it. Even so, when a B made an appearance on my report card once or twice, I cried.

Every single tear though was shed because of my laziness not because of my lack of ability to do better. I always could, I just chose not to.

This semester, I am praying for B grades in my four classes. I recognize I may walk away with my first C grade. And, I'll probably cry. This time is a little different though. This time I've done all that I could.

The last few months have been filled with illness and setbacks and drama. I couldn't have put any more effort into classes if I wanted to... I couldn't have turned those late assignments in on time... I couldn't have spent a few more hours studying.

This semester, I did all that I could. And, I will come up short. But this time, I won't have the satisfaction of knowing that I controlled my own fate. I know I could have gotten As in the course, but I couldn't have gotten As within this semester.

And that my friends is why I'm going to have to be a little more indifferent about being mediocre. Why cry over something that I couldn't have changed? I'm human. An average human that gets sick and sees setbacks and sometimes has a semester of bad grades.

I'm sure there will actually be a tear or two shed, but in the grand scheme of things, I know that I'm not defined by my achievements or my circumstances.

Answered prayer: two free tickets to Fall Massive- the biggest EDM event to ever hit DC. Why did I want to go? Three simple reasons:

• Why wouldn't I want to go? They had a few quality people on the lineup and this city never hosts club nights worth attending. 
• I've lived in DC for almost five years and I know very little about the music scene here. I've been hoping for ways to connect without breaking my wallet. Since this is my last year here, it's time to check it out.
• Cultural study. I'm a nerd. Events like this are great cultural studies, and since I particularly like cross cultural analysis. I thought it would be fun to mentally examine the biggest EDM event to hit DC in comparison with my experiences in clubs elsewhere- particularly in Ibiza- and at other concerts in Pennsylvania or DC.

When I won tickets to the event from the 9:30, the obvious answer was to go. After some prodding and name dropping that Moby would be there, I convinced my roommate to come her "first rave".

Needless to say, it was a great night. How could it not be? But since I can't seem to experience anything without some analysis, here is the first of two or three blog posts recapping the event.

This one is purely observational. Here is a list of fifty random thoughts from last night in no particular order.

1.  My instinctive saying when pushing through the crowd in order to get from point A to point B... "excuse me, mate" Eh? That's weird.
2. Atmosphere is seemingly everything. The venue looked amazing: tents, lights, fog, a giant castle... it looked like a night to remember. But, the music has to deliver or it's just another eye catching visual.
3. People like glow-sticks. I have NEVER seen that many glowsticks in my life. Thousands of discarded neon tubes on the floor.
4. I thought the glow light gloves were cool.. for about an hour. Now, I never want to see one again. 
5. There are way too many 14-17 year old kids in the District with fake ids. 
6. Most of the underage high school kids gravitate toward dub step. They see it as an appropriate opportunity to mosh and smoke weed. 
7. Americans love weed. There was definitely more pot at this event than any I have ever attended. [It reminds me of a bit of concerts in PA. The smoking ban in DC might explain why most venues here don't reek of pot.]
8. Occasionally, people do cheat on their drug of choice with E. And last night, there were lots of affairs. 
9. Two addition observations regarding ecstasy: I have a theory. I think MDMA drugs are stronger in Europe, but purer in the US. I have never taken any form of MDMA, but simply by observing behavior and reaction, I wonder if this is true. 
10. It annoys me that events like this sell pacifiers at their merch tables.
11. Apparently vapor rub inhalers and inhaling vapor rub through bandanas is really popular in club culture in the States. I had no idea.
12. One last drug related observation: it so refreshing not to see widespread ket use!
13. Police have no control; I saw tons of cops, standing around doing absolutely nothing with drug use five feet from them. [Not that I expected more]
14. The VIP tent was virtually empty all night. Why not just have VIP areas in each of the staging areas? 
15. People like to throw things. Never have I been covered in so many drinks. 
16. Septum piercings are the in thing. 
17. Cooler weather at an outdoor events doesn't stop girls from showing up wearing nothing but their bras, underwear, and some ridiculous shoes.
18. Those same girls will wonder why they are being treated like skanks.
19. No one dresses up for events like this. They just remove clothing. My jeans and a tshirt attire was a little overdressed. #forgettingitsnovember
20. Portions of animal costumes are okay though. Tons of those. 
21. I still maintain that dancing itself is different in the US music scenes; can't explain why though. Something about which beat is followed. I would love to do a formal study of this.
22. Though, I think hardcore EDM fans tend to dance more similarly to Europeans. I noticed people who seemed to know the tunes (screaming track names or singing along) had a tendency to dance to the beat of the bass. Whereas other people seemed to dance to the overlaying beats or melodies.
23. Perhaps that is more an issue with familiarity than culture? For some reason this really interests me. 
24. I wish I would have tried to get a job with a music venue or radio station in college. Too late?
25. Nights like last night are excellent opportunities for prayer and worship. The harder I pray, the harder I dance.
26. It's fun trying to explain why I pray and what I pray for to other people. For the record, I pray for specific people, for some of the issues I see around me, through some of the lyrics (like last night Bare played a song about the End of Times being here), for God to reveal himself, for safety, sometimes just in the Spirit... I pray for a lot of things.
27. Still convinced that the Church can learn a lot from the EDM scene.
28. Also, I maintain that nightlife culture- especially near urban areas and universities is one of the most overlooked and strategic places to connect with young adults.
29. It saddens me that people in ministry, myself included.. overlook this demographic.
30. Now more than ever, I'm convinced I'm supposed to play a role in helping to bridge the gap between those who enjoy a good party and those who love Jesus. 
31. I'm proud to know people  who are reaching out to their communities by praying for them, serving them, and dancing with them. [My friends in Ibiza, Ireland, Northern Ireland, England... thanked God for you last night]
32. Speaking of Ibiza reminds me of messes. The States hides messes better. All our sick or passed out people were quickly drug away to a first aid tent. 
33. I'm not sure whether to be more thankful that events like this do have first aid tents to look after those who need help. Or to be more irritated with that the tents primarily exist to diminish public spectacle. 
34. When the event is over, people are still sent on their way without further help unless they have responsible friends or desperately need a hospital. 
35. If I go to an event like this sick, I should wear earplugs. And, should use my inhaler. I feel ten times rougher today than I did yesterday.
36. Portable potties are ten times more disgusting after midnight. #spilled beer. #vomit 
37. Food and drinks were so cheap last night! $3 for gatorade! $11 for a corn dog and cheese fries. For a music festival, those are great prices.
38. The District is high class in food carts. What clubs or festivals sell pad thai?
39. What is with the word RAGE? so many "Rage all night" t-shirts? "Rage" is a form of anger. "All the rage" is an idiom meaning very popular. A rage is a not party; that would be a rave. You RAVE all night long. 
40. Saying "good night" to every event staff member on the way to the metro makes each of them smile. Take a moment to acknowledge people; it makes a difference.
41. I'm good at networking. Slash. God is good at bringing people together. Guess who met people who do music promotions and host EDM events in New England last night? [hello Boston, maybe?]
42. When someone asks me who my favorite artists are in a genre, I instantly blank regardless of the genre. I could tell my new friend what type of music I listen to, but couldn't name many artists. I probably need to start buying music rather than listening to Pandora. #fail
43. I suck at live tweeting. Sorry symph! 
44. The greatest moment of the night was seeing Armand Van Helden of Duck Sauce bust out The Big Bad Wolf! Despite the fact that its his tune, the moment doesn't compare to seeing Annie Mac play it in Amnesia.
45. The difference was the crowd response. The tent was half empty and the crowd didn't seem to know the song. DC doesn't know dance music well enough to attract the same type of crowds.
46. It didn't help that Infected Mushroom was in the next tent. One critique of the event was the fact that all the decent acts were playing at the same time in different tents and it was a little difficult to get from one tent to the other.
47. My roommate really likes Moby. She pushed to the very front of the crowd. Who knew? 
48. I wasn't impressed with Moby's set. Why? For the same reason, some of the dub step acts annoyed me. Why? Well, it was a little monotonous. Unless the crowd response is incredible, you can't play the same sequence over and over again. Though, it could just be the wrong crowd sorta thing. 
49. If you look down at the ground, you may find sunglasses. I left with two extra pair. 
50. When part of the fun of the night is making observations like these and dreaming of ways to do more cultural studies, you know you have issues. 

Well, that's enough of that. Any thoughts on my randomness? I'll be back as soon to share some more coherent thoughts. [But first I have a few homework assignments to tackle]

I quit cold turkey. About three years ago, I simply stopped watching television. Within the last month, I have regressed and am now watching two shows: Greys Anatomy and Modern Family.

Already I can tell that this was a bad life decision.  

I should not be allowed to watch television. And, here's why...

• I become obsessed. I am a junkie. Once I enter their world, I must know everything about the characters and the plot. When I watched Big Brother, I'd spend at least two hours a day on fan sites tracking the things I missed from one episode to the next. I am that person. I read episode guides, search for spoilers, stalk trailers and fan sites... I am not satisfied with just what fits that small weekly program window. I need to know more. 

• I develop an emotional attachment to the characters. Have you ever found yourself praying for a fictional character? I have. The characters become my friends, and I start rejoicing and mourning for them like I would any other friend. When I have to go two months without finding out what happens to my friends (damn you Grey's Anatomy!), it honestly stresses me out.  Will Meredith be okay? Will they get their daughter back? I need to know NOW!

• I can't control my overactive imagination. The biggest reason I stopped watching tv was the fact that my mind kept running away from me. I found some of my favorite shows to be too sexually provocative or violent. Fixating on who was sleeping with who and the most creative way to murder someone was really starting to mess with my mind. I was too weak to fight the corresponding mental pictures, and I just needed to clear my head.

• I waste time better spent doing other things.  Within 36 hours, I watched an entire season of Modern Family. That's 1ike 10+ hours watching television. I could have read an entire book or watched five documentaries or had coffee with seven or eight people.  The average American watches four hours of television every day! What if that time was spent with friends or exercising or reading?

• I waste relational energy that should be spent on real people.  Though I seem like an extrovert, the truth is that I need to be alone. I need time away from people and away from the emotional stress of investing in people. My anti-social times allow me to better invest in face time with others. The sad truth is I have wasted some of that face time by staring at actors on my computer screen. I honestly get so frustrated with them sometimes that I lose my patience with real people. 

Maybe I am just strange, but some how I don't think I'm the only one who should be mindful of their television consumption. I'm not pulling a Mama Boucher and saying that television is the devil!  For the most part, I see no reason why entertainment isn't permissible. But, I do think we should ask ourselves if the amount of television in our lives is beneficial.

Sometime it is. This summer, I watched films and television shows almost every week with my friends. It was a bonding experience and a way to unwind. Beneficial. When I've watched Grey's or Modern Family recently, it's been alone and mostly in procrastination or boredom. Honestly, at the moment, I could find something more beneficial to do with my time. 

With that said, I'm putting myself on an 1.5 hour a week television limit - if you do the math, that's just enough time to fuel my current television addictions. To be honest though, if I didn't have friends who I talked about the programs with, I would consider cutting out television all together.

“I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but not everything is constructive.  No one should seek their own good, but the good of others.  - 1 Corinthians 10:23-24

My recent television consumption isn't good for me or the other people in my life. Just sharing some thoughts as I strive to ask why I do the things I do and whether or not they're beneficial and constructive.

It lasted a whole forty-eight hours. My quest to post one blog a day was obviously thwarted. But why? Since I love to write, a few paragraphs a day seems like a reasonable goal, right? Yet I totally failed accomplish it. 4 out of 16 isn't even remotely close to a satisfactory ratio.

I don't know why I'm so surprised that this didn't work out. I actually fail to meet a lot of goals. I get really excited about the possibilities and then seem to lose momentum before I ever begin. Why do my good, sometimes even reasonable, ideas fail to become realities?

Pondering this phenomenon has inspired me to begin a series of blogs loosely labeled: "Reasons why..." I am not sure how many ideas I'll cover or how many posts that will entail, but I do know that a little introspection never hurts. Here's to seeing what transpires...

----------

An intro post: reasons why this 'blog-a-day' project never took off. Practically, I couldn't find enough time to produce quality posts. Okay, that's just an excuse. Honestly, the project failed because I was too afraid to allow it to succeed. I definitely thought of at least an entry every day and could have spared the half hour needed to write an entry a day. I simply chickened out.

Not too long after I think of something worth writing about, I start imagining how people might respond. Will it be interesting enough? Is it too serious? Funny or just stupid? Is this post going to make anyone uncomfortable? Or make me seem weird? Will anyone who reads this actually like what I write? More importantly, will they still like me?  I'm afraid of sharing my thoughts publicly because I am terrified of what people would think if they knew what was inside of my head.

For every thing I write, there is at least two or three posts that remain unwritten or unpublished. While I'm not idealistic enough to think that every thought is worth sharing, I do know that I have hoarded a few gems for myself- safely hidden from the public eye.

My reason why? Fear. Self-centered fear. A fear of losing control, of being vulnerable, of allowing myself to complete a goal that I had truly believed God had placed on my heart.

This week I have been reminded that sharing what's on your mind can be an incredible gift to others. If a thought has raced through my head, chances are that it's passed through someone else's as well. Maybe, just maybe, I will share something that resonates with someone who stumbles across this site. And, even if I don't, at least I know that I didn't miss the opportunity to do so. And, this is the reason why I plan on blogging a little more frequently and a little more openly.  I hope you stick with me to see what happens.

------

[One last thought: I blog to share my thoughts, and I would love to hear yours as well! Suggest a topic for a post.  Ask random questions.  Leave a comment.  Share a prayer request. Post the link to your blog. I would love to hear more from you! The second person pronoun is a funny one because I'm never really sure who the "you" is that will be reading these. But, thank you for putting up with me! ]

After my lengthy rant about why I am skeptical of the A word [see "the A word, and why I don't like it" for explanation], I think it is only fair that I share some meaningful experiences with affirmation.

Since it's both a complete and lucky number, I'll share the top seven affirmations I've received Then, in case you didn't get enough of the A-word: as I bonus, I'll tell you my favorite ways to facilitate meaningful semester/year affirmations. This is quickly sounding like an infomercial, step right up and discover how you too can redeem the world of affirmations. [lists are in no particular order].

A "letter" from summer '09

1. Prophetic letters:  After three months of living together as participants in a summer discipleship program, my housemates and I were encouraged to write notes to one another. We each took time to pray over them, asking God for specific prophetic insights. The result was later transformed into a binder that I have often referred to for encouragement and truthful reminders of who I am.


2. Pep talk: During a really difficult season of life, I was talking on the phone with a close friend about some of my struggles. She interrupted me to assert that I was an asset, one that should be valued. After a five minute pep talk, I was ready to take on the world. More recently, someone organically broke into a pep talk over lunch. Hearing how much this individual believed in me caught me off guard and solicited a few unexpected tears.


3. Radical Introduction: This is perhaps my favorite affirmation ever. It is also one that has haunted me. One of my colleagues in campus ministry introduced me to one of his students as a "radical Christian" and encouraged her to talk with me because I "live out my faith in every aspect of my life". I simultaneously felt a confirmation of "yes, that's who I am" and I conviction of "yes, that's who I need to be". Introductions are actually fantastic ways to affirm someone. I was reminded of this again last week when another colleague gave me the best introduction ever before I spoke at our weekly worship service.


4. Audio reminder: The most ridiculous affirmation I ever received was a mp3 recording of my friend telling me who she thinks I am. She simply messaged me the file. It was corny, but incredibly meaningful. And, if I ever forget, I can always listen to it again. Also, another friend wrote a song about one of our shared experiences, and hearing it brought the biggest smile to my face.


5. Book recommendation: I am a geek, and I love books. I'll never forgot when I asked a mentor for a book, and he gave me a stack of literature that I would have never considered reading. Later I realized that he was affirming the call to missions/ministry on my life by equipping me with material that would encourage me to pursue my calling.


6. Prayer: I still maintain that prayer is the most powerful affirmation ever! If you love someone, you pray for them. If you love someone, you ask God to give you words to encourage them. I'll never forget the occasions when friends prayed with me and shared words of wisdom that God had given them for me.


7. Random email/phone call: One of my favorite emails ever is a quote that a friend send me quite randomly. She was reading a book, and thought of me when she stumbled across this quote. The email was super short- just a quote and a sentence saying that she thought it embodied what I was to become. It has since become one of my mantras in life, and is a major source of encouragement. On a number of other occasions, friends have randomly called me just because they thought of me, and it has totally made my day.

Perhaps this things don't seem like traditional affirmations. They aren't really, but they are some of the most memorable encouragements that I have ever received. The key to affirming someone is to be honest and authentic. Being affirming continually means creatively and consistently showing people that they are valued because they truly are.

How then can scheduled group affirmations be meaningful, authentic expressions of encouragement? While I am sometimes a critic of organized affirmation times, I have seen invaluable times of encouragement come from well thought out times of affirmation. Here are my top three ideas for more formal group affirmations:

Collage from '11 Small Group

Book from '09 Small Group

1. Community Art Project: I love art, and I love that art gives people a freedom to express themselves in a way that words often can't. Last year, my small group did a community art project: a collage for each person. When the collages were finished, we explained why we added each element. It was honestly the best affirmation time I have ever been a part of because everyone could contribute without feeling the pressure of thinking of nice things on the spot. Plus, there was a physical takeaway to serve as a continual reminder of a supportive community. 


2. Collaborative Book: Once again, this involves art and prayer. Another time, we sent each of the small group members home with a piece of paper for each member of the small group. Their task was to pray for each person and put something on the paper. The result was a booklet of affirmation cards for each person. Some were abstract pictures, others were well thought out words, some contained favorite memories... regardless each card contained something meaningful that was thoughtful and prayerfully considered.


3. Prayer: When in a supportive community of believers, sometimes the most affirming thing is to simply pray for someone and ask God to strengthen and encourage them. The times that we have placed someone in the middle of a circle and laid hands on them in prayer have been some of the most powerful times of affirmation. As Christians, we do not pray for one another enough and taking the time to pray and prophesy over one another may result in God speaking in incredible ways. 

I'll briefly conclude this post with the most memorable affirmation I ever gave. At the end of a mission trip,  I wrote an encouraging thank you card for each person on our team. I simply prayed for a bit and jotted down some thoughts. When one of the guys on the trip opened his card, he started crying. He thanked me profusely for the wisdom and said that it was a message from God. To this day, I still have no memory of what I wrote, but I'll always remember that taking the time to say "I appreciate you" is worthwhile.