Another "reasons why" post... more accurately titled: "Why I am doing poorly in my classes and I don't really care".

That started with a lie. But let me explain.

Once upon a time, I cried every time I got a grade less than an A. I knew I was capable of more and I screwed up, so I'd bawl like a baby.  I could do better, and I wanted to prove I could do better. My identity was being that smart kid who got As.. anything less and I started questioning who I was.

In college, I relaxed a bit.  A simple explanation is that I realized that it was my own procrastination and learned laziness  that led to A- or B+ grades. As long as I knew I could pull off a top mark, I didn't need to actually do it. Even so, when a B made an appearance on my report card once or twice, I cried.

Every single tear though was shed because of my laziness not because of my lack of ability to do better. I always could, I just chose not to.

This semester, I am praying for B grades in my four classes. I recognize I may walk away with my first C grade. And, I'll probably cry. This time is a little different though. This time I've done all that I could.

The last few months have been filled with illness and setbacks and drama. I couldn't have put any more effort into classes if I wanted to... I couldn't have turned those late assignments in on time... I couldn't have spent a few more hours studying.

This semester, I did all that I could. And, I will come up short. But this time, I won't have the satisfaction of knowing that I controlled my own fate. I know I could have gotten As in the course, but I couldn't have gotten As within this semester.

And that my friends is why I'm going to have to be a little more indifferent about being mediocre. Why cry over something that I couldn't have changed? I'm human. An average human that gets sick and sees setbacks and sometimes has a semester of bad grades.

I'm sure there will actually be a tear or two shed, but in the grand scheme of things, I know that I'm not defined by my achievements or my circumstances.