Yesterday I posted an assignment on a discussion board for a class. Brilliantly worded, incredibly insightful, and totally answering the wrong question. I misread the discussion topic, and had to post a second response- one that was less impressive. At the point, I already embarrassed myself, so I left post posts on the discussion board to humbly admit my mistake.

Speedy reading is my specialty, but often means that I miss significant details-- like an entire phrase that changes the question that you are supposed to answer. Sadly, I often do the same thing when reading scripture; perhaps not with the overarching themes, but with smaller details that give great insight.

This week I began reading through Matthew again with some intentionality, and in the first three chapters alone, here are just three things I noticed that I never had before.

1) In Matthew 1:6, the genealogy account reads "David was the father of Solomon, whose mother had been Uriah’s wife". Solomon's mother was Uriah. Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that; it's mentioned in both  2 Samuel and 1 Kings and she is the one who secured his place as king. However, I never noticed that the genealogy of Christ mentioned her as "Uriah's wife". Matthew intentionally recalls that David's sin led to his marriage and eventually the birth of Solomon (after their first child conceived during the affair had died).

2) God loves to speak through dreams. Joseph was given instruction concerning the birth of Christ through a dream (Matthew 1). The magi were warned not to return to Herod through a dream (Matthew 2). Then a series of dreams tells Joseph to retreat to Egypt, return to Israel, and to go to Nazareth instead of Bethlehem. That's five dreams in a mere two chapters.

3) "And do not think you can say to yourselves, ‘We have Abraham as our father.’ I tell you that out of these stones God can raise up children for Abraham." Matthew 3:9. John the Baptist tells the Pharisees that being a child of Abraham has nothing to do with bloodlines. The stones themselves can become children of Abraham and enter God's covenant if God so chooses. It's a radical statement that would have been highly offensive and contradictory to the beliefs of the Pharisees.


I think I'm slowly falling in love with the Bible all over again...

To just about everyone,

Hi! I'm Kera; sometimes I forget that. Actually, I seem  to forget who am I more often than I remember.  I'm sorry. Truly, sincerely sorry.

Sorry that I have spent the last three months going through the motions, intentionally by myself but without myself anywhere in view. I can't explain it, but you might have noticed it too. I haven't been myself in awhile. I'm sorry.

I'm even more sorry that this may be the first time you are hearing this from me.  I have been trying to fool everyone including myself into thinking that everything is okay. The truth is that it is far from it. This is a rough season; but God is good and we'll get through it.  I didn't want to tell you all this. Not because I want you to think I am okay, but because I want you to be okay. I want nothing more than to see you okay- joyful,  maturing in faith, surrounded by supportive friends and growing closer to God.

I'm sorry that I feel that way. That shouldn't be my desire. I shouldn't want you to be okay more than anything; that's idolatry. I'm sorry that I worshiped your well-being instead of actually loving you . If I loved you, I'd be worshiping God so that I can be a light in your life. If I loved you, I'd be praying that God would make Himself known in your life everyday. If I loved you, I would invite you to be a light in my life and to pray for me as well. I'm sorry that I haven't loved you the way that I should.

I'm frustrated that it has taken months to realize these things and frustrated that no one told me how I was losing myself. I'm even more frustrated that I'm not sure that I would tell you if you were losing yourself either. Actually, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that when I do say something about elements of your life that could continue to be found and explored, I forget to tell you how much I love you. I forget to tell you how great you are and how much I value you. It is often  when I want to help encourage you to go "farther up and further in" that I unintentionally hinder your ability to do so with unclear, unnecessary, underdeveloped, or just plain unrighteous word choices and inflection. I say the wrong thing in the wrong way more often than I speak the truth in love. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I expect you to be honest with me, but I often withhold information and feelings and insights from you. I'm sorry that I have tried to earn your trust, but continue to make you work to gain mine. I'm sorry that I offer you the chance to call me at any time for any thing, and I get frustrated when you don't; yet, I don't give you the opportunity to be there for me in the same capacity and then I get frustrated when you aren't.

There are many things that I am sorry for, and many specific apologies that I want to offer. This letter could go on for awhile. It won't though- only because apologies are best in person. Would you give me the opportunity?

One last apology, I'm sorry that this statement is going to be a little ridiculous, but it must be said. I miss me, and I am looking forward to finding me, who I am in God that is, again. I hope that you miss me too - if you have ever truly gotten to know me since I seem to go missing a lot. If you haven't, I hope we have the chance to get to know each other as ourselves very soon.  Also, I miss you. I probably haven't allowed you to be a part of my life recently, and I would really like you to be. So, I think we should be friends, okay?

Since we are going to be friends, as a friend, I want to tell you about something and ask for your help.  My birthday is Thursday, and as I enter my 22nd year. I want it to be the first year that I have been me for an entire year. I have specific goals to try to make that happen, but largely, I need God's help because I've obviously failed on this one quite a few times. I also want your help to make it happen. I'm not sure what that means for you or our friendship, but I do know this: for that to happen I need you to accept my apology or at least consider it. And, beyond that, just pray.

Alright, I'm going to close this open letter. Thanks for reading this far! Thanks for being a part of my life! And, most importantly, thanks for being you!

Much love,

your hypocritical, but humbly growing , and apparently very cheesy friend.

aka. Kera =]

The Steelers have two weeks until the Super Bowl, and I anticipate that those two weeks will be chock full of jokes about Ben Roethlisberger and his poor personal decisions. "Ladies watch out." and "Here comes Rapelistberger" are sentiments that I'm sure will increase in frequency over the next few weeks. My news feed is already reeling with them - both from people I expected to post them and from people I would expect better from considering what I know about their own personal character.

Let me be clear, I am not Roethlisberger's biggest fan. In fact, I've thought he was an arrogant jerk from his first press conference and I've been annoyed with his irresponsible decisions since his motorcycle accident. I am in no way condoning his drunken escapades either because I think that they are inappropriate and foolish from anyone regardless of their stardom. With that said, I still respect that he is a quality and dependable quarterback and he generally does the job on the field. I also respect him as a human being, and am not willing to view his achievements on the field through the lens of his mistakes off the field.

Here is an article written last March when the charges were being filled that I think serves as a voice of reason in the midst of allegations and jokes.  It's entitled: "Ben Roethlisberger: guilty of sin does not mean that he broke the law". I would encourage you to read it, especially if you currently are currently on either the Roethlisberger joke or Steeler fan bandwagon.

I know that some people will find this a little too serious for the topic or perhaps completely ridiculous... but be honest, my prayer is not that the Ben leads the Steelers to their seventh championship ring. My prayer is that this somehow this season will bring Roethlisberger toward personal growth and that he will encounter the person that he once got fined for recognizing in the sharpie graffiti on his cleats.  I pray that he begins to truly repent and change his lifestyle; I also pray that if Roethlisberger did commit the crimes that he is accused of committing that he will publicly confess them and legally take responsibility for his actions.

I've made many mistakes in my life; I'm sure you have as well. I'm not sure if Roethlisberger's poor decisions broke the law and I cannot pass judgment where I have no knowledge. All I know is that the court has not charged him and that he claims innocence. I have to give him the benefit of the doubt even though I still think that he is a jerk who lives a sinful life style. But hey, I'm also a bit of a jerk who lives an sinful life too- it's just a different life with different sin and I'm not doing my job quite as well as he is apparently.  Sure, you might say: "Didn't Ben have another sexual accusation in the past? Doesn't that make him have a history?". True. He did and that case never went anywhere either, and the only conclusions that can be made with certainty is that Roethlisberger has a drinking problem and often gets himself into compromising situations due to poor life decisions.

There were two occasions in my own life where people accused me of manipulating structured systems to my advantage. Both situations were caused by my sin issues: my pride and my tendency to take advantage of others to assert myself. Neither situation yielded ample evidence to prove allegations true or to clear my name. I had a cyclic sin issue that put me in compromising situations. However, I honestly did not do what I was accused of doing in either case; I was innocent in regards to the allegation, but guilty in regards to the character flaws that lead to the situation in question. In context, the consequences in my situations where not even remotely as severe as the accusations brought against Roethlisberger. Thus, the comparison is far from perfect, but I share that story to say this: I'm not sure if Rothlisberger is guilty of either or both of these accusations; but  I do know that he is guilty of sinning against the God that he once claimed to serve.  And even then, it's not my place to pass judgment, but it may be my place to pray for him.

Excuse me if I am a bit of a killjoy with my intolerance of Roethlisberger jeers related to the accusations; by all means though, jeer him for other things if you please.  I just think that how we pass judgment and mock people that we have never met says something about our own personal character and how we pass judgment on people we meet in daily life as well. Furthermore, rape is a serious accusation that greatly impacts the life of both the accused and the accuser. And, I think that some topics are inappropriate to joke about, no matter how famous the incident or how funny the joke. 

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An addition thought from a Christian perspective: 


One of my favorite blogs, GetReligion, posted an article about Big Ben's faith this morning: "Redemption via Super Bowl?" After reading it, my sincere hope is that the speculation that Ben is seeking a new lifestyle and trust in God is true. If it is, shouldn't we be supportive of our Christian brother's efforts to restore his life instead of mocking him for his past mistakes?  (edit 1/24 c. 1pm)

Sunday was everyone's favorite weekend at church: the annual "giving" sermon. I've heard it before, and it always seems like common sense to me. 

"Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. " - Luke 6:38

It's a privilege that I value, but often over look. This year, I feel convicted to add a practical application to make the promise of Jacob my covenant with God in my own life. 

"...of all that you give me I will give you a tenth." - Gen. 28:22.

"Of all that you give me" has stuck with me.  I generally don't find that I have an issue giving my finances to God, but all too often fail to apply the same giving concepts to the rest of my life.

If I am giving God a portion of everything He gives me,  then maybe I should intentionally tithe my time as well.  After all, God gives me life on a daily basis- every minute of everyday. Why not give at least 10% of my time to Him as well? Just to Him; not to Church, not to His people... but to God and God alone.

God gives me 1,440 minutes a day. If I gave Him just a tithe of my time, that would be 144 minutes a day devoted to God. That's less than 2.5 hours. I bet I spend more than that online checking my email, facebook, blog reel, and all those 'necessary' sites.  If God is the most important thing in my life, shouldn't He have the first fruits of my time as well? 

Truth be told. I'm not a morning person, so I'm not interpreting firstfruits in a literal sense- 2.5 hours starting at 6 am would not be the best time for me to meet with God. But what if I intentionally spent the first and last moments of my day with the Lord?

By my birthday, January 27th, I want to be in a position to begin seriously tithing my time to God. Let's make this a one year commitment:  2.5 hours a day for God alone, starting and ending my day with focused time with the Lord.

There is so much that I want to blog, but most of my thoughts will probably never materialize on the screen. I'm in a season of self discovery, or perhaps re-discovery. Not by choice, but by circumstance. Apparently some seminary classes love to make you think about yourself and your future ministry.

One such class is called Spiritual Formation and one of our tasks was to read a book call Discover Your God-Given Gifts by Don & Katie Fortune. In summary, this couple created a personality test to inventory the motivational spiritual gifts of individuals.

By motivational gifts, they mean the seven gifts mentioned in Romans 12: Perciever (prophet), Server, Teacher, Exhorter, Giver, Administrator, Compassion person (mercy). They focus on these gifts because they are the ones that we possess as personality traits and we have control over exerting.  In comparison, the manifestation gifts (1 Cor. 12) are gifts to the people being ministered to, not the people acting as a conduit for ministry, and are dictated by the will of the Holy Spirit. Also, the ministerial gifts (Ephesians 4) are gifts to the church for the purpose of equipping the Body of Christ and these gifts are people rather than possessions.  Thus, the authors focus on the motivational gifts because they are the ones we actually possess  and that we choose to operate in or neglect based on our free will (14-18).

As Christians everyone ministers in all the gifts to a certain extent, but each individual has dominate gifts ingrained into the essence of who they are. If you are experiencing frustration, the authors of this book believe that there is a good chance that you are neglecting to operate in your gifts. Likewise, if you are finding joy in your spiritual life, it is likely that you are operating and developing your gifts.

So I took the quiz, and my top four categories were within eleven points of one another: Perciever (91/100 possible points), Exhorter (88), Teacher (82), and Administrator (80).  In other words,  I am designed to excel at meeting spiritual, mental, psychological and functional needs while declaring the will of God, encouraging personal progress, resourcing and teaching truth, and giving leadership and direction in the lives of those around me. Surprising? Not at all. Forgotten? Maybe.

The score sheet from this assessment reminded me of another personality inventory I took years ago. According to Strength Finder's, my top skills are: Achiever, Communication, Connectedness, Learner, and Self-Assurance. If you are familiar with the assessment, you'll notice that the qualities listed definitely affirm the motivational gift test results.


It's amazing to see how God has shaped and is continually shaping my personality. The challenge is continually choosing to live a life that exhibits that personality and to serve others by utilizing my personal gifts. When we neglect our gifts, we often feel incomplete and unsatisfied because we aren't fulfilling our God given purpose.

To be honest, that is kind of how I feel most days. I'm not referring to depression, but a sense of frustration because I feel out of place. The moments that I find most joy in are the times that I am praying with people, sharing the message of the Gospel, showing someone something new about God, studying God's word, or overseeing a group. I do find these joys in my life, but not often enough.

The questions that surfaces are: am I intentionally or subconsciously neglecting to step into the areas that highlight my giftings? Or are circumstances not providing the opportunity to choose to serve in those areas? Or is it some combination of the two? And how do I continue to utilize and develop my personality and gifts in a way that glories the One who created and is continually transforming me?

While I generally dismiss the idea of making New Year's resolutions, I am definitely a fan of prayer and introspection. Here are 11 things I want to continue working on in 2011 and beyond. (in no particular order) 

1. Moving beyond potential.  - A little over a month ago, God revealed to me that I am just potential.  This year, I want to start moving beyond potential. This concept applies to many areas of my life, but I think it has an underlying connection to potential in a relational sense. I am at the stage of my life that I am just now starting to think about the implications of a calling into missions and what that could mean for my future family. I truly believe that God is going to call me with a partner in ministry, and I'm nearing the point where the possibility of a relationship is no longer a distant concept.  Oddly enough, people keep asking me if I am interested in anyone. My response is always some form of "it doesn't matter if I am because God and I have some things to work through before I could ever date anyone".  This year, I want to seriously begin to work through those areas - so that when it is time to answer that awkward question, I can be more than just unrealized potential in the life of the guy I'm interested in pursuing. [Cue the Hoobastank chorus... just kidding.] 

2. Enabling the old sport. - I recently watched a film called 180 Degrees South.  In the film, there is a man in his 70's that accompanies a young guy as he attempts to summit a peak in Patagonia. I hate the idea of growing old, but love the idea of being an old geezer climbing mountains. As a young person in my 20's,  I already have physical limitations from both lack of fitness and lack of medical attention. If I ever want to climb the physical and metaphorical mountains in my life well into my old age, I need to prepare my body for the trials. My goal this year is to being restoring my health and fitness through both physical exercise and proper medical care. This will mean tackling some fears and challenges, but these changes need to begin being implemented now before they are permanently put on hold.  

3. Unleashing creativity. - Several times this year, someone has called me "artsy". My instant reaction is to deny it because that "isn't me". Truth be told, it is. I am just really insecure in my creative abilities through any medium, whether it's drawing or writing or spoken word or trying to play my guitar. My goal this year is to push through my childhood fears and begin utilizing the creative mind that God has given me to worship and serve Him. This means creating space in my life to create, and retraining my mind how to appreciate it's capabilities. It also means being vulnerable enough to share this side of myself with others.  

4. Challenging my comfort zone.  - This is an interesting theme in my life. It doesn't have one specific connotation, but rather an overarching emphasis. I get in the cyclic habit of playing it safe and becoming reticent and reluctant. Being comfortable and being in control is overrated. I want to break free from my zone and move into the realm of the uncomfortable... into the places and situations where I need to rely on God alone because anything else isn't an option.

5. Utilizing words. - Communication has been an on-going area of improvement in my life, simultaneously my greatest strength and my Achilles' heel. My goal is to continue to grow and to allow God to refine my speech. This includes a greater intentionality with my words, making sure they're glorifying God and edifying His Kingdom. There are several specific ways I believe I can practically move forward in this area, but I'm just going to share one of them.  

6. Sharing more, telling less. - I have felt increasingly convicted about a certain imbalance in my communication style.  Essentially, I find myself either dominating a conversation with stories or  with a plethora of questions.  I've learned that vulnerability begets vulnerability, so I have a tendency to tell people about my vulnerabilities so that they will share theirs with me.  And then later, ask a ton of questions without giving the opportunity for people to ask questions of me in return. There are two major problems with this imbalance: the first is that I do more telling than legitimate sharing, and I sometimes hide the truly vulnerable areas of my life behind the things I am willing to tell. The second, and more important, is that when people really need someone to talk with or when I try to follow up with a previous conversation, people sometimes forget that I am generally interested in their lives and a safe person to talk and pray with. I need to stop subconsciously arranging my conversations so that people will let me take interest in their lives, and start openly showing a deeper interest so that people that I care about can consciously choose to share their lives with me.  

7. Restoring my style. - While getting ready for an evening with old friends, I realized that I have very few articles of clothing that I like.  I haven't bought clothing in four or five years, and most of my current wardrobe was either free or is falling apart. While I hope to never be concerned with style, I do need to allow myself to be me. I need to reinvest in allowing myself to express myself. For instance, accessories, light make-up, and certain articles of clothing have completely disappeared from my life. And, I often use my temporary season of bumming around as an excuse to not fully be myself. There won't be any drastic change in my appearance because who I am has never been a facade, but I do need to give myself the freedom to look like myself- whatever that actually means.  

8. Embracing the awkward. - This is a seemingly arrogant statement, but I often forget how fun and funny I am. I've spent so much of my life trying to be miserable and trying to drive people away that I forget that I am a silly, comic at heart who actually knows how to bring the fun. Really. I remembered it a bit this summer, but have obsessionally used the melancholy as a shield again. I think I find being boring, or downright irritating, a safer alternative than being slightly outrageous. I used to lead cheers for youth conferences, I do like dance parties even though I have no rhythm, and I know how to make anyone laugh. Why do I often hide this, generally to avoid people or to avoid being judged by people? It's time to embrace how strange I am, and enjoy it so that others have the freedom to enjoy being themselves as well.

9. Planning with purpose. - Last year I decided not to use a planner because I wanted to be more spontaneous. What I have learned is that not scheduling life does not promote spontaneity. It actually hinders it. When you don't schedule in the important tasks, they don't get accomplished and you don't free yourself up to "go with the flow of life". Scheduling creates flexibility because it creates intentionality and highlights priorities.  Because I want to have the time and energy to"go with the flow", I have purchased a new moleskin planner that will soon be filled with a color -coded schedule of my life. Also, I want to extend the planning theme to begin considering my financial planning and how I am going to pay off my school debt while continuing to have the resources and time to do ministry and life effectively.

10. Keeping the rhythm. -  One of the biggest themes of 2010 was consistency. Toward the end of the year, I totally failed to meet that goal. I'm starting 2011 with a new devotional plan, a renewed vision, and a resolve to stop being resolved to be consistent. I need to be faithful consistently, but I need God to be the empowering factor in my life that enables my faithfulness. My friends in the 24-7 prayer movement live by this mantra: "We practice a rhythm of breathing in and out – time spent with God breathing Him in, and time spent with others, breathing out the life of God." I have found this rhythm before in various locations and seasons of life, but my goal this year is to cement that rhythm as an unwavering, never changing element of who I am. May the rhythm of God be the very foundation of my existence.

11.  Obeying the compulsion. - "For the love of Christ compels us..." May my life embody this phrase in  2 Cor. 5:14.  Often I'll pray, "Lord may we get a vision of You and Your love because when we do everything else will fall into place". My prayer is that I will daily refresh that vision of His love. That I will freely receive it, and freely give it. My tendency is to be reluctant to share Christ's love when I do not anticipate people receiving His love well, and in return, I then slowly become reluctant to receive His love because I am unwilling to be compelled into action and/or transformation. My goal this year is to focus on His love, and to forget everything else. May I allow the love of Christ to compel me so that everything else can fall into place and others can freely receive and freely give His love as well.