To just about everyone,

Hi! I'm Kera; sometimes I forget that. Actually, I seem  to forget who am I more often than I remember.  I'm sorry. Truly, sincerely sorry.

Sorry that I have spent the last three months going through the motions, intentionally by myself but without myself anywhere in view. I can't explain it, but you might have noticed it too. I haven't been myself in awhile. I'm sorry.

I'm even more sorry that this may be the first time you are hearing this from me.  I have been trying to fool everyone including myself into thinking that everything is okay. The truth is that it is far from it. This is a rough season; but God is good and we'll get through it.  I didn't want to tell you all this. Not because I want you to think I am okay, but because I want you to be okay. I want nothing more than to see you okay- joyful,  maturing in faith, surrounded by supportive friends and growing closer to God.

I'm sorry that I feel that way. That shouldn't be my desire. I shouldn't want you to be okay more than anything; that's idolatry. I'm sorry that I worshiped your well-being instead of actually loving you . If I loved you, I'd be worshiping God so that I can be a light in your life. If I loved you, I'd be praying that God would make Himself known in your life everyday. If I loved you, I would invite you to be a light in my life and to pray for me as well. I'm sorry that I haven't loved you the way that I should.

I'm frustrated that it has taken months to realize these things and frustrated that no one told me how I was losing myself. I'm even more frustrated that I'm not sure that I would tell you if you were losing yourself either. Actually, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that when I do say something about elements of your life that could continue to be found and explored, I forget to tell you how much I love you. I forget to tell you how great you are and how much I value you. It is often  when I want to help encourage you to go "farther up and further in" that I unintentionally hinder your ability to do so with unclear, unnecessary, underdeveloped, or just plain unrighteous word choices and inflection. I say the wrong thing in the wrong way more often than I speak the truth in love. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I expect you to be honest with me, but I often withhold information and feelings and insights from you. I'm sorry that I have tried to earn your trust, but continue to make you work to gain mine. I'm sorry that I offer you the chance to call me at any time for any thing, and I get frustrated when you don't; yet, I don't give you the opportunity to be there for me in the same capacity and then I get frustrated when you aren't.

There are many things that I am sorry for, and many specific apologies that I want to offer. This letter could go on for awhile. It won't though- only because apologies are best in person. Would you give me the opportunity?

One last apology, I'm sorry that this statement is going to be a little ridiculous, but it must be said. I miss me, and I am looking forward to finding me, who I am in God that is, again. I hope that you miss me too - if you have ever truly gotten to know me since I seem to go missing a lot. If you haven't, I hope we have the chance to get to know each other as ourselves very soon.  Also, I miss you. I probably haven't allowed you to be a part of my life recently, and I would really like you to be. So, I think we should be friends, okay?

Since we are going to be friends, as a friend, I want to tell you about something and ask for your help.  My birthday is Thursday, and as I enter my 22nd year. I want it to be the first year that I have been me for an entire year. I have specific goals to try to make that happen, but largely, I need God's help because I've obviously failed on this one quite a few times. I also want your help to make it happen. I'm not sure what that means for you or our friendship, but I do know this: for that to happen I need you to accept my apology or at least consider it. And, beyond that, just pray.

Alright, I'm going to close this open letter. Thanks for reading this far! Thanks for being a part of my life! And, most importantly, thanks for being you!

Much love,

your hypocritical, but humbly growing , and apparently very cheesy friend.

aka. Kera =]