"Please come love
I think I'm falling
Holding on to all I think is safe
It seems I've found the road to no where
And i'm trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say...

Hold me now
I'm 6 feet from the edge
And I'm thinkin
Maybe 6 feet ain't so far down

I'm lookin down
Now that its over
Reflecting on all of my mistakes
I thought I found the road to somewhere
Somewhere in His grace
I cried out
Heaven save me
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say
Let me say..

Hold me now"

- Creed

Music, Movies, Books... how they all cut to the core of me. I am a writer at heart, words are like spoken music.. and lately my heart hasn't been able to sing. I have not been able to write. I have not been able to articulately express my thoughts. It's as if my candle- that inner flame that fuels the passion of your soul- has been extinguished. Word- both written and spoken- is how my soul cries out. However, lately silence has been speaking so much louder than words.. and we all know how fearful I am of that creature. Silence is a monster. It lurks around the corners and under your bed... it waits until you are all alone and then it pounces. It pounces with fury, causing a million things to pound down on your shoulders. It makes your head spin and your hands shake. Silence is deafening because its scream is louder than any audible words. I have been hiding from this demon my entire life. Now it has come out to play, and I am running straight into its trap. My soul has become silent. I cannot write. I cannot speak. I cannot even think clearly. My words are imprisoned in its deadly grip. Silence is slowly killing me, or rather it is breaking me down. Perhaps it isn't entirely a bad thing. Perhaps silence is just a different form of stillness. In that case, "Be still my child for I am here" has a whole new meaning to me. Maybe part of being still is being silent. Maybe words need to be held captive so that one can truly listen. Maybe for once, I just need to listen without questioning, without clearly expressing my thoughts and concerns. Maybe silence is actually a blessing in disguise. Personally, I am starting to feel as if silence is that rabbit hole in your mind. Once you dive into it, you cannot escape. You see a distant image of what you left behind, an image of who you are and the world around you. That is a reality that pierces all understanding. At the same time, in silence fragments of the future fester and pick away at your composure. There is no hiding from time as it freezes in the moment. You're in the rabbit hole, in mid fall... and you find yourself just floating there. You want to scream as you fall, but the noise is swallowed by the silent abyss. You want to cry for help, but everything is frozen in the moment. Everything is still, everything is silent. I hate that feeling. I want to continue falling. I want to fall hard, flat on my face... and I want it to hurt, and hurt badly. I want to hit rock bottom, just so that i can stand up, scrape of the bruises and find another hole. Or, I want to claw my way to the top and escape the fall. Either way, I do NOT want to be suspended in mid fall examining the position and the angle of my descent. I want control of that.. control of the speed, the angle, control of my position. I don't mind the fall, as long as I can fall my way. Yet, I am stuck in silence and stillness- suspended from words and motion. I am so out of my element... and so confused by my unwillingness to stand still. When you are so used to falling, it is so hard to stand on your feet and walk anywhere. Damn it, I want to fall! I want to fall that way I can scream and fight it, and prepare myself for the impact of crashing into the ground. I do not want to play this game of being still and moving inch by inch... I want to crash. I like the feeling. I like the rocks embedded in my knees and the cuts up and down my arms.. I like the pain. At least I know what it feels like. It is comfortable. More familiar than walking or standing still... falling is something that I know. It is something that I am good at. I want to fall, and I want to fall hard and now. I don't understand the concept of staying put or calling out for help or having a rope thrown into the hole... no, I want my rock bottom back.. because when I am at rock bottom, I can be a rock. I like the rock. The unfortunate scenario is that I cannot have that because that kind of rock is no permanent. It fades and changes from hole to hole. There is only one permanent rock, but I am too busy trying to grasp at stones to hang on to it. I don't want to attach. I like looking at the rock, and grasping onto it for support when I need it most, but I don't want to attach to it. I want to be my own rock, not a lichen on a larger one. Yet, I fail to realize that I am just that a lichen. I am not a rock, I am just a disposable mass of some organic material that really isn't good for much by myself. I need a colony of lichen and I place to attach myself to survive. I know this, but I am in denial. I still think that I am a rock... or at least I want to be a rock. The stillness is forcing me to look at myself and say hmm maybe you are organic.. maybe you didn't manufacture yourself over an extended period of time. I am not comfortable with that observation. Organic material decomposes and is extremely vulnerable to the elements.. it has to depend on nutrients and resources to survive. Whereas, a rock just simply exists on its own accord. Damn it, i am a rock. I don't need anything to survive... but then I forget that water, air, nourishment.. yeah, rocks don't need that.. lichen do. I am a lichen and I need something to attach to in order to survive. The question is whether I am going to pull some stones together and try to built my own support.. or am I going to attach to the larger, indestructible rock... how long can I avoid being a lichen when my DNA and my heart are screaming that I am and that I need to take my place and join the existing colony...

I am six feet from the edge and I'm falling..... so Hold me now.

It has been a long time since I have written in here... I went to Mexico. That was good times. As much as I wish this post was about Mexico and good times, it isn't. It is more about me falling apart. I want my identity back. Yes, I want my identity back. I want to be Kera again. The problem with that is that in order to achieve that, I have been falling back into old habits and old thought patterns. I am sick of this identity being God thing, which means that I am clearly headed in the wrong direction. I was trying so hard to God center my life that I have now began to rebel against a God-centered life. It's hard to explain, and even harder to understand. Essentially, I am trying to stop myself from crashing and it is taking a toll on me. I know my thoughts and actions aren't correct, but it's hard to keep from falling into the trap of being me and only depending on myself again. I'm trying... but.. eh I'm not sure of what I want.

Part of me wants me... part of me wants God.. I'm sure the two could coexist, but I am afraid of what that looks like because the former must change if I truly focus on the latter...

Perhaps Montana is the route to go.. but part of me wants home.. because the devil you know is better than the devil you don't.... and I'm not sure I know or want to know the true essence of who I am.