"Seriously? $25,000... only 10-15% raised... only five weeks or so left and two of them I'll be in Spain... and I have no clue who to contact.... am I really going to make my budget by August 7th or at least enough of it to begin my internship?"

Last week at Reach the U (intern training), I found myself asking this question often. As the week progressed, I became more and more anxious... my greatest fear ruminating in mind: not having the funds I need on August 7th. I am confident that this internship is where I need to be this year, that my heart is truly at AU for now, that this is the beginning of a crazy life ahead, and that I will be an absolute wreck if things do not fall into place... and that my fears are irrational because God will provide.

Two months ago, our apartment's desk receptionist told me that she felt like the Lord is going to use my support raising process to plant the seed of faith that turns my family back to Him. I am beginning to believe that she is right...

Like  many other family functions, our Father's day picnic turned into a conversation about everyone's financial difficulties and more specifically about my lack of stability and wisdom in my career choice. "You will never come up with that money. The economy is too bad. No one will give because no one has money to give away." True, most people don't have money to give away, but God does. Besides a fraction of everyone's income should be given back to God through tithes and offerings. Some of my supporters are giving a fraction of their tithe to missionaries,an example of why supporting ministries is  not dependent on the economy. The conversation shifts to tithing and whether or not tithing is a cult practice or a religious legality. The concept of giving as a form of worship is unthinkable, and no one believes that God provides. "We do not offer money to the Church until our bills are paid and there is food on the table. God will not pay my bills. He doesn't care about that, and that isn't how He works." While the prosperity Gospel is the furthest thing from my mind, I do believe that God provides and that He should be the first priority in time, money, and resources.

And so, I declared my God does work that way and He most certainly does care. In fact, if you need an example of this, just wait until August 7th. I will call you then, and tell you that I have enough of my budget to begin my internship. Because I am putting God first in my life, He will provide the resources I need to serve Him. 

Like Elijah at Mount Carmel, I issued a challenge with the expectation that  God will make Himself known. I built the altar and am offering myself and all that I am as the sacrifice, I am saturating the wood with water by going to Spain, and I am fully expecting God to light a fire in the last few weeks. This support raising process will be successful not only because God wants me on campus, but also because God wants my family to see what He can and will do if they trust Him and make Him a priority in their lives. 

The verse of the summer is 1 Kings 18: 37:

Answer me, O LORD, answer me, so these people will know that you, O LORD, are God, and that you are turning their hearts back again.

As someone who lives my life through lyrics, I often wish that people could hear the music playing inside my head. If I listed the soundtrack to my life right now, you would understand. So here it is, the music between my ears.

Did you get that? Oh, you thought it would be a little clearer? Nope, because this is what it sounds like to me too. Seven songs by seven artists, a swirling pool of bits of broken records in my mind....

If I had a dollar for every time I heard some rendition of the following statement in the last week, [insert a witty continuation of hyperbolic imagery here].

"I haven't seen you in so long. You look so good! You must be doing well! I'm soo happy for you. How are you? Update me on your life!"

If you know me well, you know that I do not take compliments well, especially compliments regarding my physical appearance. Quite frankly, I have large self esteem and body image issues so any compliment regarding how I look is generally taken with skepticism and disdain.  My mental response this week has been no different.

However, my verbal response has consistently been "Thank you! I am doing well..." Even so, I would really like to ask "Why would you say I look good before you even ask how I am? Are you aware that I don't really look good at the moment? Last time I saw you, I was an athlete and now I am out of shape. Furthermore, I am in jeans and a t-shirt with my hair pulled back in a ponytail. Aren't you used to seeing me slightly more put together? And, my allergies are driving me crazy, making my eyes bloodshot and  casting a  drug induced gaze across my face... so excuse me, please explain how I look better than the last time you saw me?"

And, so, I have spent several days pondering this phenomenon. Last night, I had an epiphany:  In their eyes, I do look good. The compliment has little to do with my physical appearance, and everything to do with my disposition.

"whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away.Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." - 2 Cor 3: 16-18, NIV.

When God is active in your life, both your character and physical demeanor change to reflect His glory. The freedom of knowing and serving Jesus changes how others perceive you. And that perception should continue to change as we grow in our relationship with Christ and are transformed by His Spirit into His image.

After  a worship service at the Chi Alpha house, one of my friends went to the prayer room to talk with one of the pastors. When she returned about an hour later, her face was glowing, she had a smile larger than I had ever seen, and she just seemed different. I looked at her and knew that she had had an anointed encounter with the Holy Spirit. A simple question confirmed my suspicion, but without her even telling us about her experience with God, her face gave it away. She looked amazing because she had allowed God to enter her life and His presence was reflected in her disposition.

"Nothing between us and God, our faces shining with the brightness of his face. And so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him." - 2 Cor 3:18, The Message.

Considering the amount of spiritual growth I have had in the last three years, I should look good, comparatively. The key word in this translation of this verse is gradually. I still have a long way to go and much growing to do, but my prayer is that God keeps unveiling the person He created me to be- a reflection of Himself. May I always look a little better, a little more like Christ, with every passing year.

Dear friend, family member, or random acquaintance,

I am writing a letter to you, on a blog you will never read, hoping that one day things will change and perhaps you will stumble across my musings. I know that you do not understand who I am or why I am making the choices that I am in life. Furthermore, you are quick to point out the numerous ways that I am destroying my life. The ironic truth is that your criticism of my self destruction is only confirmation that my feet are upon the right path.

Jesus said that in order to find life, we must lose ourselves. When I look back on the person that I was three years ago, I praise God that I lost myself. 

I was a selfish, stoic, sinister individual who sought nothing but escape and influence. I emotionally could not comprehend joy, pain or fear. I mentally could not understand the very concepts that I claimed to found my life upon, as I embraced servant leadership without understanding what it meant to be a servant or a leader. I verbally assaulted anyone that opposed my worldview or opinion, and took great pride in it. And, I physically had no problem with throwing a fist if the situation deemed it necessary.  My aspiration was to either join the military to deceive the masses through psychological operations, to enter politics to prove I was the most conniving debater, or to enter international development simply to disappear off the radar and to spite everyone who wanted me to stay in the United States. The person I should be is a college junior with no friends, a chain smoking habit, a drinking problem on her way to a double degree, double minor, and a certificate in hopes of taking over the world just to prove how much the world  is destined to self destruct.

I lost that person, and I am grateful. I do not like the person that you think I should be. I mean I still have problems with who I am, but God and I are working on it. Yes, God and I. I know that you think that my word choices are merely rhetoric and that I have been brainwashed into using them. Yet, that is the furthest thing from the truth.  My words, for better or worse, are an overflow of my heart... a heart that the Holy Spirit is actively changing day by day.

I love you, truly I do. I know that you do not understand, and you cannot understand because you do not know Jesus like I know Him. I pray that one day you will, that one day you will be even closer to the heart of God than I am now. 

In the meanwhile, I pray that the Lord will provide more than enough for my support raising needs. My prayer is that the Lord will provide for me, not only to meet my needs, but more importantly to glorify His name. My prayer is that through this support raising process, you will see that God is who He says He is. I know it seems like an unachievable goal right now, and one that you believe that I will fail to reach.  For this reason, I pray that I not only reach it, but surpass it. So that I can declare that the Lord has provided, that He is alive, active, and achieving the impossible.

Here is to another open letter to be written mid-August saying that the Lord has provided. Until then, my hope is in my Savior, my strength is His joy, and my prayer is that I would continue to be made less so that He may be made great. I am praying that your lives will be radically shaken by the Spirit of God, and that even my testimony could direct you a little closer to Him.

Much love and many blessings,

Kera