Dear friend, family member, or random acquaintance,

I am writing a letter to you, on a blog you will never read, hoping that one day things will change and perhaps you will stumble across my musings. I know that you do not understand who I am or why I am making the choices that I am in life. Furthermore, you are quick to point out the numerous ways that I am destroying my life. The ironic truth is that your criticism of my self destruction is only confirmation that my feet are upon the right path.

Jesus said that in order to find life, we must lose ourselves. When I look back on the person that I was three years ago, I praise God that I lost myself. 

I was a selfish, stoic, sinister individual who sought nothing but escape and influence. I emotionally could not comprehend joy, pain or fear. I mentally could not understand the very concepts that I claimed to found my life upon, as I embraced servant leadership without understanding what it meant to be a servant or a leader. I verbally assaulted anyone that opposed my worldview or opinion, and took great pride in it. And, I physically had no problem with throwing a fist if the situation deemed it necessary.  My aspiration was to either join the military to deceive the masses through psychological operations, to enter politics to prove I was the most conniving debater, or to enter international development simply to disappear off the radar and to spite everyone who wanted me to stay in the United States. The person I should be is a college junior with no friends, a chain smoking habit, a drinking problem on her way to a double degree, double minor, and a certificate in hopes of taking over the world just to prove how much the world  is destined to self destruct.

I lost that person, and I am grateful. I do not like the person that you think I should be. I mean I still have problems with who I am, but God and I are working on it. Yes, God and I. I know that you think that my word choices are merely rhetoric and that I have been brainwashed into using them. Yet, that is the furthest thing from the truth.  My words, for better or worse, are an overflow of my heart... a heart that the Holy Spirit is actively changing day by day.

I love you, truly I do. I know that you do not understand, and you cannot understand because you do not know Jesus like I know Him. I pray that one day you will, that one day you will be even closer to the heart of God than I am now. 

In the meanwhile, I pray that the Lord will provide more than enough for my support raising needs. My prayer is that the Lord will provide for me, not only to meet my needs, but more importantly to glorify His name. My prayer is that through this support raising process, you will see that God is who He says He is. I know it seems like an unachievable goal right now, and one that you believe that I will fail to reach.  For this reason, I pray that I not only reach it, but surpass it. So that I can declare that the Lord has provided, that He is alive, active, and achieving the impossible.

Here is to another open letter to be written mid-August saying that the Lord has provided. Until then, my hope is in my Savior, my strength is His joy, and my prayer is that I would continue to be made less so that He may be made great. I am praying that your lives will be radically shaken by the Spirit of God, and that even my testimony could direct you a little closer to Him.

Much love and many blessings,

Kera