There are some days when your past comes back to bite you in the ass. This is one of those days. After sleeping literally all day and realizing that my mood is beyond depressive... almost to the point where it hurts to crack a smile... I'm wondering if the cycle ever stops. I do well at something, I jack it up, I work to save my ass again... and then I change my mind and move on to something else... and the process repeats. I have great experiences and relationships along the way... but they fade like sand sifting through one's hand... and when the time to flee comes, I'll spread my fingers and let it all pass away.

" and I don't understand
why I sleep all day
and I start to complain
that theres no rain"

The thought of reconciling who I am , who I've been, who I want to be, and who I may become scares the living hell out of me. I crack a smile, I talk with people, and I'll even discuss the bullshit factors of my life that seem to be ailing me... yet inside I am self destructing. I am both figuratively and literally making myself sick and destroying everything that could be in the process. My mind is going nowhere as my grades crash, my body is becoming continually less stable, my time is being spent doing absolutely nothing productive, and I'm fighting to hang on to the notion that I may have some meaningful relationships with people in my life.... when really... I have no clue what tomorrow will bring and who will be willing to stand with me if I fall...

So, when you ask how I am.. I'll say okay or maybe I will answer stressed or something.. and it is an honest answer... and as I am typing this I am honestly fine. Just fine, but you know what... I am tired of fine... fine isn't good enough. I was not created to be fine... to be okay.... I was created to do something, to be someone... not to be fine.. not to spend my days wondering how to get to tomorrow and doing nothing in the meanwhile...

I am not happy being fine.. .I'm not happy being here... I'm not happy with this life.

Tonight, someone reminded me of who I am. Of who I am capable of being.. both the good and the bad... and you know what, I am not being that person now. I don't know who I am, but being a lazy, under motivated person with no ambitions is not it. I'm not proud of this...

So, starting tomorrow.... fine is not good enough any more.