"Looking for something I've never seen
Alone and I'm in between
The place that I'm from and
The place that I'm in"

One of the HA kids labeled this Fray song.. the song for us in this season. While I haven't talked with him since the last day of the scholarship conference almost two years ago, I was reminded of this song today.... and I assure you that he was right. This is a song for me in this season.

I'm looking for something I've never seen and it's hard to find because I have no clue what I'm looking for... The picture painted for me looks a little like this: serve God, serve people, become a mouthpiece of the Gospel, go into the world, get your hands dirty, challenge academia, challenge government, rise up and make a difference, use your story to inspire others, understand the misunderstood, love the unlovable, empower future generations of servant leaders, be a light in the darkest of places...

It's everything I've always known crashing against a mound of uncertainty... and over the other side lies a narrow way that was surveyed for me long before I was born. Some of the trail ahead is unpaved and treacherous terrain, and some of it is clearly mapped and marked. I know that there is a way ahead and a guide to take me there, but right now, I feel like I am bushwhacking...

And my water supply is running low and I know longer can identify which way is down mountain and which way is up.. and even if I could, I'm not sure in which direction I would go. I can no longer rely on my own navigation. So, what do I do? I dig a hole in the middle of the wilderness and I stay put. I do not expect or accept help... I whine and think and try to derive a better plan of attack. Though, I am only attacking myself.

I'm running dry... this is the season of the desert, and I think I put myself there because I enjoy drawing lines in the sand. It's almost as if I want to be lost. As if, I want the direction to be hidden from my sight. Even if someone is leading me by the hand, I'm going nowhere quickly because I'm sitting down refusing to move forward. Searching for distractions, for excuses...

You can lead a deer to water, but you can't make him drink. Well, the water is there, and I've tasted it before... so I know I'm a deer and I'm capable of jumping to new heights... but I'm standing at the stream, refusing to drink.... turning my head and denying myself the fuel I need to take that leap of faith.

The question in my mind is "Why won't you drink? I've lead you this far and we have so much further to go... go ahead approach the stream and get the strength you need for the next part of the climb". Like Paul in Romans 7, I am disappointed with the things that I do because they are the things that I do not want to do. The things I want to do, I don't do because I don't believe that I am capable of doing them.

I want to be the reflection of God's glory in this world, but the still small voice inside my head says "Kera, if you cannot stand to look at your own reflection in the mirror.. how do you expect others to see the same image as Christ living within you?"

The question comes back to the corny Disney movie line... "When will my Reflection show who I am inside?"...

Because if it doesn't, to get back to some better music comparisons...

"I'll try to get out but I never will
Traffic is perfectly still"