Friday night: home alone at 7 pm. Tension. Frustration. Can't describe it. I just feel really anxious. Like somethings built up that won't release. Pacing the hallway in prayer. Something snaps. Pacing becomes sprinting.. I'm sprinting suicides up and down the hallway. Lungs heavy, can't sprint anymore. Must run. Running suicides up and down the hallway. Chest tightening, here comes the wheezing. Jog. Jogging up and down the hallway. Until, I can't breathe. Walking, up and down the hallway. Gasp becomes a wheeze. Back to a jog... back to a run.. back to a sprint... to a full fledged asthma attack, and I stop. The world suddenly stops after a half hour of madness. All is at a stand still. Never felt better.

The intro to theme song of my high school career is on repeat in my head.

"Cause sometimes you feel tired, feel weak, and when you feel weak, you wanna just give up. But you gotta serach within you, you gotta find that inner strength and just pull that shit out of you and get that motivation to not give up and not be a quitter, no matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse."

Phase out Eminem, phase in worship last night...
" You're the source of light. I can't be left behind... I will follow. This world has nothing for me. I will follow you"

The switched flipped on, revelation. The last piece of the puzzle that needs to fall into place before I am complete again. Physically, I have to be me again. This broken body is not mine. I am hindering my own walk with Christ by neglecting the passion that God has given me for athletics and physical activity. My health, my personality, and my ability to socially network are all diminished by this issue. And, I'm unhappy about it. Ask me what I am most dissatisfied with at the moment... and I'd tell you- the fact that I don't feel like my body is mine. I am not a holistic person at the moment.

Why does this matter? Well, scripture does say that our bodies are temples. And, more importantly it says to love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength. My heart is torn because it longs for the past, my mind is distracted by my insecurities, my soul is missing one of its passions, and my strength is slowly fading because I am constantly sick and mentally irritated. All in all, I am not 100% and as a result I can not give 100%.

To be entirely honest, God has been speaking to me about this issue for the last year and a half. I, in my laziness and shame, have ignored him. This isn't an issue of me embracing who God created me to be, it's an issue of me not preparing myself to be the person He created me to be. I fully believe that this is the missing link, this is the sin of omission that is holding me back. I am neglecting the spiritual discipline of putting one's body under submission and preparing myself to serve God with all that I am. Now to change it..