"So, let me get this straight, essentially you have to find your own salary to pay yourself to put up with people? Why would anyone want to do that?" After a half hour of discussing what it means to be a missionary and how missionary's raise their own support, she still did not understand the point of our conversation. *deep breath* "Actually I would, that's exactly what I want to do..." I proceeded to explain to my mom why I want to pursue ministry.
A confused "Really?" prompted me to continue to explain why I really really want to do this. My phone did not have enough battery to continue. It died, and Icalled back to explain and it died again in the process. Last night, I left my mom with a simple text message: "ttys. Love ya!".... and lots of information to digest.
"Okay, family, I need you in my life and my life is completely devoted to God. I know you don't understand. I don't expect you to because you don't know the One who's calling me to this life like I do... I am praying that one day you will. I know I haven't made this easy on you because I haven't been open with you. I am sorry, and I need you to accept who I am and to support me because I love you and I want you to be a part of my life" Hopefully, I will have the strength to offer a similar sentiment when I see my family face to face next month.
My family is confused and misdirected in so many ways, and my avoidance of them has helped to lead them astray. If you are reading this, please take a minute to say a prayer for my mom and siblings. My heart breaks for them because I know that they are going through difficulties. I have been there, but at least I had some recognition of God guiding me. While I know He is watching over them, they don't see that. I pray that they will, and that God will help me see them through His eyes...
I look at this picture, and I can't believe how different they look to me... Brandy, Janelle, Cody in their senior picture: graduating from high school, my brother considering tech school, my sisters doing who knows what. I look at them hoping that they grow to love God, hoping that they can see themselves as God sees them, hoping that I can see them as He sees them and love them supernaturally beyond my own capacity.
For too long I have been focused on the scripture that declares that we should love Christ more than our families and embrace separation from them if necessary ( i.e. Matthew 10; Luke 14:26; Mark 3:31-35). Yet, I always seemingly forget this passage:
"If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God's church?" - 1 Tim 3:5 (NIV)Paul is instructing Timothy how to choose church leaders and he specifically says that church leaders should be people who know how to "manage" their own family. The use of manage here actually means not only to control the affairs of one's household, but also "to care for or to give attention to" and to be "honest about one's occupation". I cannot say that I have been doing that, and until I am faithful to those who God has chosen as my blood relatives, how can I be faithful to care for His people in the Church? Lord, I pray that you will strengthen me, hat you will transform me into a better daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece.. because if I cannot show love to my family, who will?
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