My plan since my senior year of high school was to major in international studies, become fluent in Spanish, and then flee the country to work in development. Seeing that I can neither speak Spanish nor call myself an expert in international relations, my plans have evidently changed.
Yet, my heart still grows strangely warm every time I hear Spanish, read about African politics, pray for the oppressed in the Asia Pacific, recall the isolated people groups in Eurasia, or listen to a bit of propa club music and rock my Euro scarf. My heart belongs to the nations, and I truly believe that God will call me to them in His timing... and I'll live the dream of the prophetic, evangelistic nomadic missionary.
For now though, I find myself serving my alma mater, living in the heart of American civil religion, and ministering to the one culture that I don't feel particularly called to serve. Though for this year, I am fully devoted to serving the community that served me. My game plan was to finish the year and pray about how to best begin my lifelong adventure. Well, once again, plans have changed.
When I began praying about my future a few months ago, I was reading through Ezekiel in my personal devotions and the concept of Ezekiel being a prophet for his countrymen really stood out to me. It was as if God were saying "Kera, you need to learn to minster to your people before you can effectively minister anywhere else". *sigh* Many days I don't even feel connected to "my people". Ask me how much I love America if you haven't heard my feelings on this before. Oh, how Ezekiel must have felt a much stronger disconnect with Israel. Scripture actually says he went to his people with "bitterness and anger in spirit" and that he only went because he was caught up in the spirit of God (Eze. 3:14).
Unlike Ezekiel, I don't feel like God is calling me to my countrymen permanently. Why would my heart be to be much more nomadic if I were meant to be stationary? Why would my life experience, desires, dreams, and ambitions allude to another calling? I do, however, believe that my future looks significantly different from my present. Yet, I believe that I am called here to "my people" for the time being.
So with bitterness in my heart, God and I began to have another conversation about my training for ministry. I have long recognized that I am an intellectual, and that my mind is not fully developed. I am not equipped to preach and teach because I do not have the knowledge and wisdom needed to be effective in those areas. I have known for awhile that a seminary education is probably in my future, sooner rather than later. Somehow in my mind, seminary once seemed like Hogwarts. It was this mythical experience that secludes you in the middle of nowhere and requires an insane amount of work to gain greater access to the supernatural world that much of reality overlooks. Obviously jaded, I have recently come to the conclusion that seminary is not a fantastical academia, but an institutionalized hierarchy of Christian scholars and aspiring clergy. My day dreams of intellectual growth faded away as my desires to live a Spirit-filled missional life of servanthood expanded. Just when I fully surrendered the idea of ever going to seminary in exchange for the radical life of a missionary, God has seemingly refocused my radar yet again.
With inexcusable anger in my spirit, I begrudgingly began to ask God if I needed to reconsider a seminary education. My frustration with this idea is not with the return to academia, but with the fact that a return to academia means remaining in this country for an undetermined amount of time. Through much prayer and argumentation, it has been resolved that I need a seminary degree in order to prepare myself for my future ministry. It has also been resolved that I am not to cease serving "my people" through ministry while pursuing my personal and professional growth. In other words, I am applying to begin a correspondence seminary program and this nomadic heart has been broken once again at the realization that I could be exactly where I am for the next three years.
My submission is to God's will. If it is in His plan, my application will be accepted and my coursework will begin as soon as next semester. If not, then I know that this process is just another step in learning to surrender all that I am to His will. Either way, my aspiration is to follow Jesus and I'm open to wherever He leads me...
I'm praying for a paradigm shift. Lord, help me see the joy of serving my countrymen; help me to embrace this as my calling for this season in life. Also, it would be awesome if I could spend at least a portion of my summers serving You abroad... and I can think of a few places that I would love for You to send me. =P
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