"I know why you're here, Neo. I know what you've been doing... why you hardly sleep, why you live alone, and why night after night, you sit by your computer. You're looking for him. I know because I was once looking for the same thing. And when he found me, he told me I wasn't really looking for him. I was looking for an answer. It's the question that drives us..."
Perhaps its because I just recently saw Inception, but the Matrix has been on my mind lately. It is definitely one of my favorite movies; so much so, that I quoted it at my baptism. I love this quote because I think it accurately summarizes the driving force of all humanity: our inquisitive nature. It is truly the questions that drive us, that keep us awake at night, that keep us striving for something more...
By nature, I am an insomniac. I used to get less than an hour of sleep a night. Now, I average between four and six hours to function. Lately, I have had a really difficult time getting to sleep and an even more difficult time waking up if I ever get to sleep. Why? Because I have too many questions. My analytical mind can spend hours pondering existence and possibilities, studying to learn more about the world, praying to learn more about God, asking a thousand questions...
We all ponder the questions. For me, the questions lately have been...
How did I do today? What could I change? How are my friends? How can I be a better friend to them? Am I in God's will? What is God teaching me? Why? What should I look forward to tomorrow? What's going on in the world? How can I pray for that? Will God ever send me there? What if He doesn't? Will my friends/family ever know what it is like to search for His voice and "hear" a response? How will this ministry thing work out? Since I can't do this alone, who am I to partner with in ministry? In life? Will I ever get married? To who? ... and the list goes on.
We all have questions. The questions may involve relationships, finances, careers, success, past regrets, future possibilities, the existence of God, the meaning of life, the suffering in the world, and so on and so forth... perhaps some actually ask "What is the Matrix?" and "Are we in it?". I say that somewhat jokingly, while admitting that I have seriously asked that question: "Is this even real?"
It is really the question that drives us. The questions that keep us awake at night. The questions that keep us going. If we knew everything and every answer to every question, what would be the point of living? What would life be like? What would drive us? And how boring would that life be?
In the Matrix quote, our protagonist Neo was looking for 'him'. His question was "What is the Matrix", but Neo was looking for 'him'. A person is not the answer to Neo's question. Neo asked a "what" question, but went searching for a "who" answer. Instead of directly seeking the true answer of his question, he seeks what he perceives to be the answer. Trinity is quick to correct his mistake because she too was looking for the wrong thing. She shares her experience with Neo, and when Neo states his question... Trinity replies...
"The answer is out there, Neo, and it's looking for you, and it will find you if you want it to."
I think this single line summarizes the entire problem with humanity: "If you want it to". God likes our questions, and God is always involved in the answer. He is always out there; He is always present. Jesus is looking for us, and He will find us.... the problem is that too often, we don't want Him to find us. We don't actually want the answer to our questions.
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You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart" - Jeremiah 29:13 (NIV). The book of Proverbs indicates that the problem is not our lack of seeking, but our lack of seeking with our hearts set on finding the answer. "Then they will call to me but I will not answer; they will look for me but will not find me. Since they hated knowledge..." - Proverbs 1:28-29 (NIV)
We like the questions; but we don't always like the answers. Most of the time, I don't want the answer. I think, no I know, that is why I sometimes lay awake at night with questions. It is better to stay awake pondering than to find possible answers in my subconscious dreams. For me, dreams are like open doors into a realm of thoughts, emotions, and insights that I may have missed during the day.
I have never been a fan of open doors. Actually, can I tell you a secret? I am a little afraid of open doors. I don't like the lack of control of seeing a doorway. You never know what will come through or if it will slam shut or how long it will remain there before you will walk through it and explore the other side... I don't like open doors. I like closed doors. I like order. Questions are like open doors. I think I want them closed; I think I want answers. But, I fail to realize and accept that the answer right now in this kairos moment is an open door, the answer may very well be an open seemingly unanswered question.
My life is filled with open doors and open questions. Needless to say, I am a little fearful. Not in a anxious worried way, but in a I want to do what is right and have a healthy fear of the Lord sort of way. As I attempt to fall asleep tonight, I am praying for a holy apprehension and enough of a pure heart to seek God as the answer to my plethora of questions.
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Also, as I was quickly proofreading this... I am amazed at how well my work schedule for this week correlates with this post. Tomorrow night we are starting Alpha. A course dedicated to the questions of life, and discussing whether Jesus is the answer. Saturday, I am leading a workshop on how to share your faith- how to help others navigate their questions and guide them towards the Answer. Hmm... it truly is the questions that are driving me this week.
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