This lyric is from a song written by a man who kept me sane when I was younger. Whether reading in my room or running down the basketball court, Eminem lyrics were always playing through my mind. How can one find sanity in the midst of an inconsiderate, cursing rapper who openly admits doing drugs and hating his life? Eminem kept me mentally stable because he was open and honest about his feelings, especially towards his family. He was angry at his father for abandoning him, and he hated his mother for emotionally abusing him. Growing up in a household where I was taught to "honor thy father and mother" and rarely found any reason to do so, I found comfort in knowing that there was someone else who understood my emotions.

When the Eminem phase ended, a new means of maintaining sanity replaced it. My entire life I have been trying to maintain my mental stability while proving to everyone else that I'm not crazy. My family is crazy, my life is crazy, but I- I am NOT crazy. While I am confident that I am mentally stable despite my past experiences, the point that I am trying to make is that I have spent my entire life controlling my outward demeanor to make sure that I come across as being as sane as possible.

Meanwhile, one of my biggest fears has always been losing my mind. I'm returning to my favorite movie as a reference because this scene in Proof often explains how I feel. (If you haven't seen the movie, my other entry entitled Proof has a plot summary.) Catherine is talking to Hal about her work and how she is afraid of losing her mind and becoming like her crazy father...

" Catherine: Sometimes in my head I think it works, and then... Sometimes I just think it's crazy.
Hal: There's nothing wrong with you.
C: I think I'm like my dad.
H: I think you are, too.
C: I'm afraid I'm like my dad.
H: You are not him
C: Maybe I will be.
H: Maybe, and maybe you'll be better"

Oh, how I can relate. Catherine was afraid of losing her mind because her father lost his mind, and she was in the same line of work as her dad. While my mother and I have very few similarities now , I look at who she once was- before she faded into this person that I no longer know- and I see so many comparisons. Our sense of humor, our work ethic, and our faith. Yes, I just said our faith - which is the most important factor in this equation. The problem is that my mom is mentally unstable and has no concept of reality, and I cannot even say with confidence that her faith was ever genuine. She thought that it was. It makes me wonder sometimes if I just think that mine is as well, if maybe I have inherited the family craziness and it is all in my head. I'm so afraid of losing my mind - and my faith- that I make every effort to maintain sanity.

Striving for sanity has lead me to weird research projects, poor life decisions, and chronic insomnia. Tonight I realized that sanity is my idol. I love the idea of making sense of things so that they don't seem crazy to me. I spend my life searching after what makes sense and avoiding everything that seems "out there". This desire has lead to deep control issues because I need to not only control my own mental stability, but I also need to control how other people view me. It is all about being authentic while appearing as normal and rational possible.

The truth is that nothing about life is normal or rational or sane in the eye's of the world- or at least nothing about a life following after Christ appears sane. I am sure the Disciples seemed a little insane when they immediately gave up everything to follow a carpenter. I am sure that no one in those days saw healing people, casting out demons, and performing miracles as being normal or rational. I am also sure that Jesus probably appeared crazy to most of the population. Sanity isn't the thing that defines me.. my identity is in Him and Him alone.

My love of the concept of sanity is holding me back, preventing me from getting closer to God... and my desire to be nothing like my mother is only esclating my fear of losing my mind. I am trying to control how God views me and how He works through me just as I control my image of myself and what others see of me. I can't do that. It is impossible, and it is sinful. I'm breaking my idol, I'm giving up control, I'm confessing that I have tried to put God in my box, and I am asking Him to forgive me and to transform my ways so that I lose my mind and my sanity and gain the mind of Christ.

Let's face it- I'm a little crazy, and I'm only getting crazier... and to be honest, I don't think that I would have it any other way.