" I'm in love with God.

God's in love with me.

This is who I am

and this is who I'll be

And that settles it.

Completely."

-Misty Edwards

That song says it all. That is precisely why I use songs as titles. The End.

Or rather, the beginning?

To be honest, I have been an absolute mess lately. If I even attempted to explain why, I would be lying the second I opened my mouth. A familiar numbness has taken over- an oh too familiar numbness. The same, yet entirely different. I am missing something, as I find myself wandering aimlessly through desert chasing shadows across the sand. I have been here before- or at least I feel as if I have, but no one passes the exact same way twice. The difference: this time I'm not sitting on a roof, I'm not alone, I'm not loathing my life, and I'm not the same person.

The feeling is the same. The thirst is the same. The struggle is the same. The warfare is the same. Oh, but the situation is entirely different. If I think it is the same, then I will react the same way. I will pray and seek with a fight or flight response in mind... and that is not what I am searching for this time.

This is different; only God is the same. Once again, I find myself begging for a drink. Just enough to get through tomorrow until I wander out of the arid land. The truth is that I am finding exactly what I am asking for- enough to get by, to sustain my wandering. The truth is that I cannot find a steady stream until I learn the difference between running water and the shadows in the sand.

What is the real thing and what is just a faint projection of one's imagination? Oh, the games that the mind can play. Mine questions who I've been and who I am, and it makes it much harder to figure out where I am going.

Yesterday, I some how found reality. I am that person, this person. This is who I've been, who I am, and who I'll be. I know where I'm standing. Now I need to sort through the shadowy lies and continue chasing after the sound of the stream.... and soon enough, I'll be out of the desert.