"What would people say if they heard that I was a Jesus Freak? What would people do if they found out it's true? I don't care if people know that I'm Jesus Freak, there ain't no disguising the truth. People think I'm strange, but does that make me a stranger because my best friend was born in a manger..."

I love that song... and I just finished the first volume of the book series about people giving their lives for their faith. Contemplating whether or not I would be able to give my life for my faith, I suddenly became extremely ashamed of the fact that I cannot say if I would. I realized that I have been living my life to please people more than I have been living my life for God. If you would have caught me this time last year, I would have been laughing at the girl who was a Jesus freak... now I long to have that kind of passion and confidence in my own faith. Today I was on the receiving end of the jokes as I was being labeled an evangelist... My description of what XA was to a friend was imagine a frat who replaces their love of partying with their devotion to their faith. The response was "It is essentially the same thing... both make you very happy and then people laugh at you because they think you are crazy". So be it, I'm a little crazy.... always have been, just not openly so. However, I have nothing to hide- I love my God and He loves me. Anyone who knows me knows that. My brother actually said that one of my old friends went to church last Sunday specifically looking for me because she knew that I would return to mass as soon as I returned home. Mind you that she never goes to church, and I have not talked with her since I came to college...so this assumption was surprising to me because I never considered myself open about my faith. Now, I am open...

However, ironically enough, I now feel the need to be more of a closed book. A closed book in terms of my life. I feel as if too many people know my story, and not enough people truly know me. I was sitting on the bus on the way home talking with some girl who insisted that I reminded her of her friend from college... thus, I made a friend on the bus by simply being myself. That is classic me- the me I know and like. Classic me is not let's spill my guts to you just because you asked or because I think you might want to know. Coming home made me realize that I have been lacking much of the me factors in my identity. God has given me a dynamic personality, and lately I have been masking it. I have traded the corky, outgoing Kera for this reserved person that I don't necessarily know. As a result, I don't feel as if some of my friendships are genuine because I feel as most people only know one little aspect of me, an aspect that definitely does not define me. Expect me to be real and to be completely myself next semester... no reservations.

At this point in time, and always, my best friend was born in a manger. I largely do not trust people and I am skeptic of friendships... people have to prove themselves to me for me to fully trust them, and if and when you lose my trust, don't expect it to return. Right now, I trust few. Not because of the brick wall theory of my life, but because of my people suck theory which largely stands true. People in general disappoint me so I am rather cautious. However, if I do trust you and consider you a friend, I will do anything for you because I am of the true blue breed. I do, however, realize that I need some reciprocation... but even when it isn't given, I am still true to those I truly care about... my friends. Having analyzed my viewpoints on friendships, I ask myself what I would do for my best friend. My best friend who has shown more love for me than I ever could reciprocate, who has given his life so that I may live, who has saved me from my own destruction... well, I must say that I will be loyal to Him. I will love Him and share that love with others. If tested, I pray that I would be willing to give my life for Him as He has given His life for me. I do know that I want to live my life for Him... I want nothing more than to follow in the footsteps of the ultimate servant leader by living the life that God has written for me....

Just some thoughts at the moment.... I guess that makes me strange and maybe even a stranger to even those who think they know me... but at this point, I don't care.what people think. I'm not seeking anyone's approval... I never have, I'm not going to start now. I am who I am.... love me or hate me...