Disclaimer: This post  is a long one. Inspired by discussion, requested by curious friends, and  dedicated to a fellow skeptic.. Though all opinions are exclusively mine, and admittedly somewhat biased. At least it's honest.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The A word makes me cringe. Over the years, I have developed an increasing dislike of the term.  It's supposed to be used as a form of loving endearment, but most of the time I think it's utilized as temporary substitute for authentic support and community.  Affirmation is an often misused, misunderstood, and manipulated principle. 

 affirm.  (af-firm). verb.  /əˈfərm/ - [with object] to offer (someone) emotional support or encouragement. [Oxford]

I am a huge fan of offering emotional support and encouragement to people. And as a Christian, I truly believe that scripture commands us to honor, to edify, and to encourage one another.  I would like to think that I am a positive and supportive voice in the lives of my friends and family. I try to let people know that I love them, that I value them, and that I believe in them. Still, I cannot seem to embrace the term affirmation.

In my experience, there are two types of people in life: lovers- those who are encouraged by affirmation immediately... and skeptics-  those who dissect affirmation to determine if it is sincere. Contrary to what you might think, I am actually a very affirming person at heart. However, in the world of Christian affirmation, I am a slowly recovering skeptic.

Affirmation, in my experience, is the intentional practice of telling people what you like about them. Most commonly this verbal praise comes in three forms:

1. The  end of the year, semester, conference, [insert appropriate time frame here] gathering-  People sit in a circle, give one another cards and little trinkets, and tell each other how awesome they are.  Ex: "Kera was so great to be around you this semester. I know we haven't spent much time together, but you are so special. I wanted to tell you that. Here's a card with a picture of a dog that I think represents the "specialness" of your personality."


2. The affirmation sandwich- Someone says two or three nice things about you, inserts a hefty amount of heart crushing criticism, and then says two or three more nice things reasserting that they care about you and believe you can do better. Ex: "Kera, I think you are doing a fantastic job. You are always faithful with being here, and you always add wisdom and humor to our discussions. I just wanted to make you aware of the fact that you are extremely immature and annoying. You should probably work on that because many people can't stand to be around you. But, remember you are still awesome. And I appreciate you hard work. By the way, I love you and I believe in you.


3.  The priming before asking a favor-  Your friend, relative, distant acquaintance needs something. You have it or can do it. Before asking for the favor, they butter you up knowing that it increases the probability of  success.  Ex: "Kera you are amazing and so kind and generous. I wish I could be more like you. Could you possibly lend me your car?

Because I have more often experienced the term "affirmation" linked to one of the above scenarios than in the context of an authentic expression of a supportive community, I am an over analytical skeptic. I tend to be a resistant receiver of affirmation. Affirmation makes me uncomfortable. Why? Well, partly because I am admittedly insecure. Mostly, because I think our culture has lost the meaning behind the concept.

**A small caveat before my critics start attacking, I am not saying that an authentic attempt at affirmation cannot take place in an end of the year affirmation circle or during an affirmation sandwich or in the process of asking a favor.  [edit: in fact, I've had a few good experiences at end of  semester affirmations- I'll include at least one story in tomorrow's blog.] I am also not suggesting that people do not benefit from hearing affirming things in those scenarios. I am simply offering an alternative perspective. You might say I am offering a challenge to a greater affirming culture.

Perhaps it is best said this way: I would rather experience the adjective than use the verb any day. I pray that I am someone who is affirming, regardless of whether I ever openly use the label affirmation or consciously use the verb. Affirmation needs to be so much more than something we do on occasion; it needs to be a posture that we take, it needs to be an innate part of who we are. 

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds,  not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching." Hebrews 10:23-25

Looking at the original language of this passage: a more accurate translation would be "let us examine one another to stimulate/provoke love and good deeds.... calling out/exhorting/encouraging one another" The call here is to remind one another of the hope we possess in Christ, and to spur one another on towards being the people God called us to be. This passage has an underlying excitement in recalling the purpose of the Church community, and that excitement is what produces encouragement which leads to cultivating excitement and the will to persevere in the lives of others.

Yet, as you see, the encouraging is always done in the context of relationship, in the midst of community. It doesn't say set aside a time to tell each other nice things about one another; it says do not stop gathering together. It says when you gather together, think of ways to remind one another of the hope that you have in the Gospel and why it is important to continue loving and serving others. Affirmation becomes integrated into the culture, and it is expressed through the collective of a supportive community. 

So what does this look like? What does it mean to be an affirming community? Well, I think there are several practical ways that we can be encouraging to one another.  

Here are seven ways to be affirming, and some things that a skeptic would like you to consider.

1. Verbal Praise.  Yes, sometimes it is nice to hear a pep talk. Or to receive a little appreciation. My biggest peeves with verbal affirmations. They aren't often aren't specific enough: I get that you think I'm awesome, but why? They often have bad timing: see any of the aforementioned examples.  Too many verbal praises can create an aura of insincerity- stop telling me I did a good job if I did a mediocre job, tell me I did a good job when I actually do a good job. Words have power, use them wisely and effectively.


2. Gifts of Appreciation. Whether it be a card or something cool, giving a small token of appreciation is a good way to show someone that you care. My biggest issue with gifts: we wait until its obligatory instead of giving gifts of appreciation randomly just because. I'll be honest, I often forget birthdays and I am not big on holidays. Yet, it isn't uncommon for me to buy someone coffee or dinner or a book or a concert ticket or something I randomly see at the store that reminds me of them.... just because I like them.  Can't I just give gifts to special people as an encouragement to brighten an average day? The same can be said of acts of service- why do we do nice things because the situation demands it necessary as opposed to organically all the time? Quite frankly, I need that seemingly random email to see how I am way more than I need the happy birthday facebook message.


3. Quality time. Nice words or great gifts can never replace quality time. If you like me, show me you like me by making time for me. If  you are a friend, take the time to just hang out with me. If you are a mentor and you believe in me, take the time to help me grow.  The early church did things together, and support/encouragement comes from the context relationship.  As a wise friend of mine always says, you need to put into the quantity time to get the quality times. I think you need to put in the quantity time to be able to give quality affirmations as well. How can you encourage me to be who God called me to be if you haven't made the time to get to know me? 


4. Accountability. Dare I even mention this in a post on affirmation? Yes, I do because I think it is important. I find the most encouragement from those who are not afraid to correct me. Because I am a skeptic, I need to know that some wouldn't lie to me before I accept their praise. They need to be as willing to challenge me to grow and to correct me when I am wrong. Too often I think we over focus on affirmation by being nice to one another- over emphasizing the saying nice things and the giving of gifts- but we forget that part of exhorting people to be the best they can be is showing tough love and tough encouragement. Some of the most affirming moments in my life have been the moments when someone has cared enough to bravely say "Kera, I love you. You are being dumb... here is why... and I believe you can do better, because I know you and you are... [insert uplifting, truthful, prophetic things here]." Affirmation should not just be about making people feel good about themselves; it should always be about motivating people to go deeper in their faith- inspiring them to be excited about what God is doing, encouraging them to love and to serve Him with all that they are.  [Two quick caveats on accountability: A)  it is not easier to offer tough love in an affirmation sandwich. Be honest, and upfront. Show tough love with compassion, but don't try to diminish the negative effects by adding fluffy nice filler  because it does detract from what you are about to say and hinders the credibility of your praise. B) I focused primarily on receiving tough love, but asking someone to hold you accountable definitely is affirming to them as well.  Accountability requires relationship, and one way to affirm someone is to ask them to speak into your life. Give them permission to give you a little tough love or a needed pep talk.  And, keep them updated about both your achievements and shortcomings- they'll be encouraged as they celebrate with you and by the fact that you value their advice.]


5. Trust/Delegation. The biggest way you can show that you believe in someone is not by telling them how much you believe in them, but by showing them. If you want to affirm someone, give them an opportunity to be awesome. Don't simply tell them they sing well, ask them to come lead worship. Don't just say they write well, suggest that they put the gift into practice by contributing to your blog.  Simply saying I believe in your ability to lead isn't enough, you need to give people space to actually lead. One of the biggest affirmations in life is knowing someone trusts you to step up and put your giftings into practice. 


6. Prayer.  What and who you pray for is an indication of your priorities in life. If you want to be supportive of someone, pray for them. Ask Him to show you how to be encouraging because He comes up with better ideas than you ever could. And letting someone know you are praying for them , either with them or privately in your own time, is one of the greatest means of support you could ever give a person.


7. Bragging.  People always mock me because I tell stories using peoples' names. Within a short time of knowing me, you probably begin to feel like you know my closest friends even if you have never met them. I'll tell you how awesome they are and why I love them. I share specific stories, and get really excited about how fantastic God's plan is for their life. I'll tell you that my friend who is like my adoptive older sister is a great preacher and is destined to rock people's lives through exhortation, that my roommate is a fantastic musician who God is going to use in crazy ways to bring people into His presence, that one my best friends is this brilliant thinker with a incredible heart who is destined to spread hope overseas by meeting spiritual, physical and emotional needs of those longing for relief.... I can go on and on because there are so many people I love that you need to know about. Any time two of my unconnected friends meet for the first time, they already know how much I value the person they are encountering. Aren't you encouraged when you are introduced to someone new and they say "I have heard great things about you. Kera told me about.... " I know I am. If we are encouraging someone to their face, we need to be honoring the person in their absences as well.

All this to say, I don't actually dislike affirmation. I dislike that we can say "well I verbally affirmed you, isn't that's enough? ". The truth is that an momentary affirmation isn't enough. It doesn't make up for the fact that the Body of Christ is supposed to be a united organism that encourages one another continually to love, to serve, and to recall that we have a hope greater than our reality.

Some may argue that I am just nitpicking on semantics. Well, I kind of am....

Semantic Saturation- the phenomenon that occurs when a word becomes cognitively meaningless due to repetition.

For me, the word affirmation has a bit of semantic saturation attached [metaphorically/hyperbolically speaking]. It is used so often in Christian circles that it is beginning to lose its meaning.  We need to talk about affirmation less and simply be affirming more. Because without the presence of continual, supportive community, affirmation is just another obsolete buzzword.  And sadly, we often mistake using the buzzword for cultivating the concept.

All this to say, as a community of Christ.... we need to examine one another, to encourage one another to press onward, to stir excitement about what God is doing and has yet to do, to call out the gifts in one another life,  to help one another put those gifts into practice, to sincerely brag about the brothers and sisters God has blessed us with. Any way you look at, we are called to be supportive and that support comes from a trusting relationship. Trust is established through honesty, proximately, and consistency. Personally, the term affirmation and I often meet without those three factors at play, and thus the term sometimes causes a knee jerk reaction.

I do wish that I loved the terminology more, but I know I'm not the only one who finds themselves cringing  at the mention of the A word.  Despite my ill feelings and skeptic nature, I do wholeheartedly believe that we need to be more affirming people and to submit ourselves to the support of an affirming community. My prayer is that I can be a part of the culture change. That God would use me to as an authentically encouraging presence- speaking life into and cultivating enthusiasm in the lives of others.