Blogging is the last thing I should be doing right now, but I am writing to publicly share a prayer request and a humbling one at that. Last week, I read "The Reformed Pastor" for one of my classes. Hundreds of years ago, Richard Baxter's work exhorted pastors to "take heed to the oversight of themselves" and their flock.

At one point, Baxter warns that there are some preachers who need to preach to themselves because they do not fully know the impact of the message that they are sharing. To know, in biblical times, meant not only head knowledge, but also a posture of the heart and a ongoing profession of understanding through actions in daily life. Baxter goes on to say that the preacher who speaks on topics that he himself has yet to wrestle with is one of "the most unhappy creatures on earth". In the next section, Baxter reminds the preacher that the success of his ministry depends on the status of his own spiritual development and the condition of his own heart.

Friends, here is a confession, over the last few months, I have failed to take heed to my own personal oversight. Due to a series of circumstances- illness, financial setbacks, stressful relationships, and so on and so forth- I am at a place of exhaustion. However, I know that I am not yet at a place of surrender simply because of the wording of my last sentence. Let me rephrase, due to a lack of discipline on my part through that series of circumstances, I am at a point of exhaustion.

When talking to a friend about the last few weeks, she asked "Have you taken extra steps to make sure that you are putting on the full armor of God?" "Um, no, I have taken fewer steps to be honest". In the midst of chaos or perhaps even before the onset of the storm, my devotional life began fading, my prayers seemed less feverent, I began wondering if my faith was too idealistic, and my life slowly pulled away from being centered in the presence of God and began being centered in circumstance.

So here I sit, in a sketchy hotel room- feeling extremely ill again, worried about the piles of late homework I need to complete, anxious about my finances, confused about my future, and insecure in myself and my faith.  As I sit here, I consciously know this isn't me and that I need that armor of God to fight through this strange season of life. My prayer is that over the next few days, He will recenter me and refresh me and retrain me to be disciplined and armored.

I ask for prayer because I believe that God has given me a message, and it's one worth sharing, but first I need to wrestle with it myself.  I need to learn it and to know it and to live it. And, I am unhappy right now because there is a beautiful revelation placed on my heart, but my heart, being the deceitful thing it is,  is waging war with the word of God working in my life. More specifically, when I say message, I am making a reference to two things at the moment. The first is very specifically a message for the present (literally one that preparing to speak as well as one my life should be exhibiting). Secondly, I am referring in a very vague sense to some of the things that God has revealed about my purpose and my future in ministry.

During his sermon this weekend, Pastor Mark Batterson said that "you may be the only Bible people ever read". I may be the only expression of this message that people ever see, and friends, I honestly am not living my life in such a way that it could be read from merely observing me. My prayer is that God does a renovation of my heart this week, so that my labor for his Kingdom is fruitful and so that His word and His name are glorified in my life.

The first step in working through an issue is recognizing the disparity between what should be and what is. Here is that humble recognition, I feel like there is more to be said- but for now I need to spend some time with God and some time completing my group assignment that is due tomorrow (in that order because I'm reminded that priorities matter).  I have a feeling this is to be continued..