Take a few minutes to listen to this song before you read any further. Here is the link (ignore the corny, poorly assembled slideshow and just listen).
I heard it for the first time this morning, and was instantly hit with that gut feeling of conviction. In case you missed the lyrics when listening. This is what hits me...
"And I lift my hands open wide let the whole world sing
how you've loved, how you died, how you set me free!
Free at last I surrender all I am with open hands
with open hands
To finally let go of my plans
These earthly kingdoms built of sand
Jesus at your cross I stand with open hands"
Oh, conviction. How I both welcome and despise you simultaneously. Even as I am finally celebrating where God is calling me- after much resistance and stupidity- this song made me realize that I still am clenching my fists. Rather than throwing them up to fight with God, I am now keeping a tight grip on my not so distant plan. The game plan: finish school, one year Chi Alpha internship, seminary, and then crazy life of wherever God leads. A crazy life of traveling, speaking, teaching, representing Father, Son and Spirit....
I realized earlier today that there are still things in this plan that I am unwilling to hold in an open hand. For example, someone asked me if I was considering going straight into the field without a seminary degree. Immediately I asserted that "there is no way I am not going to seminary first". I truly believe that I will go to seminary, simply because of the personality God has given me and the insight He has shared with me about my future. However, my attitude is not one of surrender or availability. What if God doesn't want me to go right away or if He wants me to do it online? It may look different than what I plan for it to look like, it might not, but either way... I need to hold it in an open hand.
Other things I am holding in a closed fist include friendships that I don't want to risk, fears I don't want to confront, concepts of homes and family that I would rather not consider, labels that I don't want to wear, and talents that I am afraid will be under utilized. To be more specific, I will elaborate on the last one: I am terrified that God won't let me preach or that I will suck at it because I know that I am an amazing public speaker in other settings. That defining character trait is something that I can't let go of, but what if it has no place in God's greater plan for my life.
Despite knowing who Christ is and what He has done and a little bit about where He is leading me in the future... I am still folding my arms or shoving my hands in my pocket, trying to have some control, some comfort, some contentment to hold on to...
On Matt Papa's myspace page, he offers this commentary on his song:
“You have to live before God with open hands. We may have our plans and ideas, but at any moment, Christians, unlike the world, have to be ready to drop anything and totally do something else if God is calling us to,” Papa says. “It’s a very strange life, yet it’s exactly how Jesus wants our hands to be—open and available. We need to embrace the idea of anything He wants to change, anything He wants to take, it’s Yours now.”
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