As I am struggling through paper writing, I must confess that I am starting to feel myself struggling in other areas as well... the battleground is inside my mind:

"Homesickness is just a state of mind for me. I'm always missing someone or someplace or something, I'm always trying to get back to some imaginary somewhere. My life has been one long longing."

"While they like to talk everything through, to analyze and hypothesize, what I really need, what I'm really looking for, is not something I can articulate. It's nonverbal: I need love. I need the thing that happens when your brain shuts off and your heart turns on." 

My entire life I have struggled with depression and significant insecurity issues. There is always the tiny voice in my head saying "you aren't good enough, you can't do it, no one really likes you, it's all a facade". I analytically dissect every situation, every relationship, every moment of my life- looking for ulterior motives and false pretenses. I don't like it, but it is a part of my past and a ghost that haunts my present.

"I start to think there really is no cure... that happiness is an ongoing battle, and I wonder if it isn't one I'll have to fight for as long as I live. I wonder if it's worth it."

At one point, Elizabeth Wurtzel - the author of these quotes and Prozac Nation, admitted that she was in love with her depression, that her struggle gave her purpose in life. Sometimes I wonder if the same is true in my own life. Have I made friends with my irrational mental struggles? Perhaps I enjoy the occasional battle, but my purpose in life is not in beating myself into a happy submission. My purpose is taking up the joy of the Lord, which means serving God and showing His love to others.

As I am writing this, I am honestly emotionally stable and fine. The battle is there, but I recognize it and God and I deal with it together. I am writing this not for sympathy or attention. Please spare me those things because they are the last thing I want. I am writing this as a declaration that it is possible to be a Christian following Jesus and still struggle with depression and insecurity. It is also possible to recognize the battle and move on through life.

Some people try to pray the depression demons out of you, others think your mental struggle is a result of sin, and most people just don't understand and so they stare at you strangely while ignoring your battle. I am writing this to say that this is my thorn, and that God and are getting through it. Maybe one day, I can say that it is not longer a daily struggle where I have to choose the joy of the Lord... but for now, it is.. and every morning, I will continue to decide that "This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it".

More recently I realized that I have to be faithful in my decision to chose joy, not only for myself, but for others.

"It's the people you are close to, the ones who love you, the ones who have seen your heart, who have touched your soul- to them, it is obvious that something is wrong or missing, your heart and soul are missing. They feel it. It hurts them. It kills them." 

Myself deprecating nature and insecurity hurts others when I allow it to shine through stronger than the essence of who God has created me to be. Those who love me notice when I am off, they are hurt by my hurting because they love me even when I cannot love myself, and I am not on an island where I can sulk in my insecurity. If for no other reason, I choose joy and I choose to fight the battle because I love the Lord and I love the people that He has placed in my life.

This is my battle, and the battle of many other minds, many other Christians... Christians who love God, who serve God faithfully, and who cannot fathom why their mind is so active and their heart seems so empty. I write this for every individual who struggles within the confines of their mind and is afraid of admitting it because of judgment. We all have own "Dark Night of the Soul". We are human and this is our struggle, to get past our imperfections and press onward toward God. 

Inch by inch, and day by day,  God and I are going to continue to be victorious- as the joy of the Lord is my strength.