As I am struggling through paper writing, I must confess that I am starting to feel myself struggling in other areas as well... the battleground is inside my mind:

"Homesickness is just a state of mind for me. I'm always missing someone or someplace or something, I'm always trying to get back to some imaginary somewhere. My life has been one long longing."

"While they like to talk everything through, to analyze and hypothesize, what I really need, what I'm really looking for, is not something I can articulate. It's nonverbal: I need love. I need the thing that happens when your brain shuts off and your heart turns on." 

My entire life I have struggled with depression and significant insecurity issues. There is always the tiny voice in my head saying "you aren't good enough, you can't do it, no one really likes you, it's all a facade". I analytically dissect every situation, every relationship, every moment of my life- looking for ulterior motives and false pretenses. I don't like it, but it is a part of my past and a ghost that haunts my present.

"I start to think there really is no cure... that happiness is an ongoing battle, and I wonder if it isn't one I'll have to fight for as long as I live. I wonder if it's worth it."

At one point, Elizabeth Wurtzel - the author of these quotes and Prozac Nation, admitted that she was in love with her depression, that her struggle gave her purpose in life. Sometimes I wonder if the same is true in my own life. Have I made friends with my irrational mental struggles? Perhaps I enjoy the occasional battle, but my purpose in life is not in beating myself into a happy submission. My purpose is taking up the joy of the Lord, which means serving God and showing His love to others.

As I am writing this, I am honestly emotionally stable and fine. The battle is there, but I recognize it and God and I deal with it together. I am writing this not for sympathy or attention. Please spare me those things because they are the last thing I want. I am writing this as a declaration that it is possible to be a Christian following Jesus and still struggle with depression and insecurity. It is also possible to recognize the battle and move on through life.

Some people try to pray the depression demons out of you, others think your mental struggle is a result of sin, and most people just don't understand and so they stare at you strangely while ignoring your battle. I am writing this to say that this is my thorn, and that God and are getting through it. Maybe one day, I can say that it is not longer a daily struggle where I have to choose the joy of the Lord... but for now, it is.. and every morning, I will continue to decide that "This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it".

More recently I realized that I have to be faithful in my decision to chose joy, not only for myself, but for others.

"It's the people you are close to, the ones who love you, the ones who have seen your heart, who have touched your soul- to them, it is obvious that something is wrong or missing, your heart and soul are missing. They feel it. It hurts them. It kills them." 

Myself deprecating nature and insecurity hurts others when I allow it to shine through stronger than the essence of who God has created me to be. Those who love me notice when I am off, they are hurt by my hurting because they love me even when I cannot love myself, and I am not on an island where I can sulk in my insecurity. If for no other reason, I choose joy and I choose to fight the battle because I love the Lord and I love the people that He has placed in my life.

This is my battle, and the battle of many other minds, many other Christians... Christians who love God, who serve God faithfully, and who cannot fathom why their mind is so active and their heart seems so empty. I write this for every individual who struggles within the confines of their mind and is afraid of admitting it because of judgment. We all have own "Dark Night of the Soul". We are human and this is our struggle, to get past our imperfections and press onward toward God. 

Inch by inch, and day by day,  God and I are going to continue to be victorious- as the joy of the Lord is my strength.

Q: What one piece of (short) advice you would like to leave your younger brothers and sisters with?

A: Take the red pill and find out just how deep the rabbit hole goes. Sometimes the Matrix seems more appealing, but it's not worth it.  God has so much more for our lives if allow Him to work in us and through us. Embrace vulnerability and seize opportunities as they arise. Though you will never be perfect, you will never be ready, and you will always offend someone ... you will never be alone... the Father and His children walk with you. Just follow Jesus, be who He created you to be, and live life to the fullest capacity. Everything else will fall into place, one way or another. Through both laughter and tears, enjoy the journey  and your companions because you will only pass this way once.

Tonight was our senior banquet, and those were my words of wisdom to the next generation of Chi Alpha.  Weird since I am not a true senior and I am not really leaving, but a pleasant reality check nonetheless. I thank God daily for this community, and I am soo excited to have another year here.

 "I'm caught up in that dream again, just wandering away, my friend, wandering away..." -"Wandering Away", The GoStation

Every time I think about the possibilities, I cry.  I keep dreaming about jumping out into the window, the 10/40 window. Unreached people groups, poverty, political strife, the broken and the blinded.... Lord, please send me there. Send me anywhere and everywhere... Africa, the stans, India, Burma...  wherever it is, I'll go. My heart has been wrecked time and time again by the thought of people never hearing the Gospel and never feeling the love of Christ. 


Someone asked a question in small group yesterday that lead to me describing the window and the mission field, and it took everything I had not to lose composure. Every time I hear the 10/40 window explained, I become frustrated with God for allowing my heart to continually break for multiple places while placing me right where I am... Not to mention, my mind has always been intrigued by world politics, culture, and international development. See, here I am and I'm interested. What do you say Lord? Will you send me?

One day, He will, but not yet. Right now, I am at peace with my placement for this season of life. My heart breaks for this campus and of the thought of students here never  understanding the Truth of the Gospel and feeling the love of Christ.  If I cannot serve God where I am, I cannot serve Him anywhere... and there is no place I would rather be right now than here at American University. People here need a glimpse of Jesus just as much as anyone else in the world.

"American Students Say...
AU attracts a "liberal, non-religious" crowd that "tends to be very ideologically driven." "Liberals run the show," most here agree, although they add that "Plenty of students don't fit this mold, and I've never seen anyone rejected for what they believe." The campus "is very friendly to those with alternative lifestyles (GLBT, vegetarian, green-living, etc.)," but students with more socially conservative inclinations note that "while AU boasts about the many religious groups on campus, there is still a general antipathy toward piety, especially Christianity." The perception that some departments outshine others is reflected in the way students perceive each other; one says, "You have the political studies know-it-alls, the international studies student who thinks he is going to save the world, the artsy film/communication students, and the rest [who] are unhappy students who couldn't get into George Washington or Georgetown."- From the Princeton Review website

[ps... useless fact of the day, apparently I have posted over 150 blog entries in the last three years. ]

 "I have a story, but I don't know how to begin telling it. Do I start with the ride there or do I start at the end and work backwards? No, I think I'll tell the story the way I found the Blue Ridge Spirit - in spurts. My spirit was sparked....  left kindling and began to catch as the reality of the view, people, and experience slowly set in...  Finally, it was set ablaze. When? The second I looked over the mountain at the top of the hike. Instantly a tear came, followed by another, and many more. The spirit had captured me. I became an emotional rollercoaster. Euphoria, thankfulness, fear, and a realm of feelings I cannot even begin to describe...

The Blue Ridge Spirit is a part of me now...I can still feel it.  And, I am going to hold on to it as long as I possible can. I know that it will fade- it's inevitable, but I am not going to allow the flame to go out." - excerpt from my myspace blog, July 8, 2006.

They say that most people don't get the luxury of mountain top experiences; I think that those people just don't spend enough time in the mountains. Some of the most memorable experiences of my life have unfolded while scrambling upward through the wilderness. During the Summer of 2006, me and fifty of my closest friends  hiked one of the  largest mountains in the Appalachians range on a trial that was only accessible to our trusty guides. As we reached the peak, after hours scrambling over rocks and struggling with my asthma and ankle issues, I began to cry. It was in that moment that I finally understood the Blue Ridge Spirit.... 


For four years, I had heard my friends and mentors talk about this mythical Blue Ridge Spirit. They had all claimed to have caught it, but no one dare attempt to explain it. Every time I asked what was so special about Blue Ridge, they simply responded "You can't explain it. You'll know it when you catch the Spirit, and then you'll understand... and it will change your life forever". 

During that week in 2006, I caught the Blue Ridge Spirit and by the time I had graduated high school, I had already lost it. Hundreds of miles away, in another mountain range, I recaptured that Spirit... Backpacking and hiking with friends, conquering the wilderness of Montana, and standing in awe of God's creation. After being back in the city for over year, the flame had dwindled once again.... until Friday night.

We piled into my little car around 9:00 pm. Quite frankly, I was not in the mood for a hike, especially not in the Blue Ridge. The weather forecast wasn't exactly promising, my ankle was hurting, and I was feeling incredibly homesick.  By homesick I mean that I just wanted to be near the people and the places that I love. I love the mountains and the people I packed into my car, but this seemed like a bad idea- wrong mountain, wrong people, wrong timing for my homesick heart. My heart longed for high school, yesteryear of college, Montana and all the other experiences that made me feel like me. And, there I was, piling into my car for a sleepless night of adventure.

It seems like I always forget the power of the mountains, of friendship, and of God's ability to reveal Himself within His creation. Huddled  together between a rock and a row of bushes, futilely attempting to hide from the piercing wind  that ripped across the summit, I knew I somehow recaptured the Blue Ridge Spirit on the way up the mountain. This time I wasn't looking for it, but it always seems to find me on the way up. When it does, everything breaks open... caution and reservation is thrown to the wind. Talking, singing, laughing, screaming, crying, and even cuddling together... it all lets loose and it these moments we are free to be ourselves in our purest form... an inch from insanity, living life right on the edge where it is meant to be lived.

Right mountain, right people, right timing. Friday night was exactly what I needed, and a recapturing of the flame that I all too often allow to burn out. After hours of hiking upwards, scrambling over rocks, staring at the stars, and cowering together as we endured the wind, I feel like myself again.

I'm no longer homesick because as Metallica  so elegantly sings, "Anywhere I roam. Where I lay my head is home". Friday night, a small gap between a rock and a tree was home. For now DC, is home.  In the future, wherever God leads me will be home.

Those of us destined to be nomads will always have changing homes until we reach the otherside, but one thing stays the same: our interconnectedness with one another. My brothers and sisters who climbed the mountain with me four years ago are still CONA family even though we have lost touch. My friends from high school, college, and my housemates from Montana are still influencing my life even though they are scattered around the world.  The five of us that took on Old Rag Mountain at 1:00 am Friday night- though we may never be that close ever again- are forever connected because we have this shared experience.

Picture found at wikicommons

There is something about climbing a mountain together that unites people in a way that no other experience ever could. Whether the mountain is an actual hike or a figurative journey through a struggle or season of life, when we climb together, we somehow become more than individuals trekking upwards, we become a family of sojourners determined to reach the summit. I am grateful for the mountain experiences and for the family of amazing individuals that I have been so incredibly blessed to travel with along the way.

Thank you for all for trekking with me! May there be many more mountains, and may we never lose the Spirit that captures us in the wilderness...

"To exploit your opponents' weaknesses, you must first explore your own"- Quote from an old Adidas t-shirt, tacked above my bed in PA.

 There are some words in which we truly live by, and this quote happens to be one of my life mantras. Whether applied to athletics, academics, extracurricular activities or relationships, my goal was always to have the upper hand in any situation. The way to prepare for opposition is to build your strengths while working to diminish your weaknesses. My obsession with this idea of self improvement coupled with my innate competitive edge may be why I am one of the most self critical people that I know.  

Much has changed since a thirteen year old girl decided to take on the world, one Adidas motto at a time. Though times change, some things remain with us and I often find myself reflecting on my old mantra once again. What does it look like to have the same drive and determination in a life devoted to God?  How do you explore your weaknesses and prepare yourself to follow Jesus through opposition? How do I work to diminish my weaknesses in this new context of a life of ministry?

I have been pondering these questions for awhile,and I truly believe that God is revealing to me areas of weakness that I need to actively work on over the summer in order to prepare for this next season of life.

1. Consistency and discipline... Whether it be devotions, prayer, study, using gifts, sharing faith or any other aspect of life, I need to be the same person regardless of my surroundings. I need  remain connected to God and who He has created me to be 100% of the time. 
2. Image and Insecurity...  My insecurities surrounding my image- both in terms of body image and personality- are ridiculous. They effect how I interact with others, and could continue to hinder my effectiveness in ministry. The solution is that I need to healthily get back into physical shape and rebuild my sense of identity. 90% of my current struggles are rooted in my own insecurities, and reestablishing my self confidence will definitely diminish one of  the devil's favorite footholes in my life and some of my favorite excuses.
3. Unapologetic Worship... I love God, but all too often I tone down who I am and how I worship Him out of fear of offending others or embarrassing myself.  The word worship is translated from two different words in Greek - latreia meaning to serve or ministry, and proskyneo meaning to take a posture of submission. Whether it is ministering to people or submitting to God, I need to begin to worship unashamedly and wholeheartedly. This category has a more specific applications in terms of writing and music- both of which I will explain in more detail in a later post.

As I explore my own weakness, I am reminded that that exploitation is no longer the goal. The goal is to glorify God. My attitude is slowly transitioning towards the mantra of Paul:

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." -2 Corinthians 12:9:

Amen. I am weak, but I serve a mighty God... and I am so excited to see how He can use even me to build His Kingdom. Here's to exploring weakness and wearing it on my sleeve for the world to see.

"I knew as well as I knew anything that the oppressor must be liberated just as surely as the oppressed. A man who takes away another man’s freedom is a prisoner of hatred; he is locked behind the bars of prejudice and narrow-mindedness. I am not truly free if I am taking away someone else’s freedom, just as surely as I am not truly free when my freedom is taken from me. The oppressed and the oppressor alike are robbed of their humanity  " -Nelson Mandela.

Last night, I listened as several individuals told stories of how they were dehumanized by sexual assault and domestic violence. As you can tell by my entry yesterday, I anticipated being fairly disturbed and upset by the testimonies. I was disturbed, but not because of the content of the stories. I was disturbed by the lack of healing, the bitterness, the hatred, and the rejoicing in the suffering of the oppressor. 

What I realized last night is true healing cannot occur without forgiveness.  Because God's healing has been sufficient in my life, I was okay both listening to others and reflecting on my own experiences.  However, the voices that I heard were not okay. They were damaged, scarred  and imprisoned by their outrage at their nightmares.

As the Mandela quote indicates, both the oppressed and the oppressor are held captive by the injustice committed. I cannot rejoice in someone being thrown in jail regardless of how heinous their crime may have been. Even when deserved justice is served, there is still a human life that is lost and imprisoned by the sentencing. The oppressed and the oppressor are of the same essence, of the same humanity. What makes one the victim and the other the perpetrator is a combination of circumstance, sin, and receptiveness to the evil in the world.   Rejoicing in another's suffering never results in freedom; it merely shifts the chains and bindings.

"Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say,
   “I will take revenge;
      I will pay them back,”
      says the Lord.
 Instead,
   “If your enemies are hungry, feed them.
      If they are thirsty, give them something to drink.
   In doing this, you will heap
      burning coals of shame on their heads.”
  Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good." Romans 12:19-21 [NLT]

 Scripture provides instruction to forgive, to love, and to trust God to handle judgment. However, the most disturbing part of this equation is how few people realize that God loves them and cares for their circumstance. A few people mentioned God in their testimonies, but even their words showed little understanding  of how much He cares for them. God's love is the only solution; His love covers a multitude of sin - both those we commit and those committed against us. Unless we allow Jesus to replace our bitterness with His love, we are never truly healed- even if the pieces appear to be back together again.

 "Take Back the Night is an annual march held across the world protesting violence, including sexual assault and domestic violence."

I normally avoid Take Back the Night like the plague.  When the event comes along, I purposefully distract myself with friends and fun as far from campus as possible. Hearing testimonies from survivors is like suffocating inside one's own mind, reliving multiple nightmares. Tonight, however, I am going to wander into Kay and listen  to the voices that have lived through the haunting memories. God is bringing me to a place where I feel like He wants me to begin to get comfortable sharing my story- our family's story- of perpetual violence and abuse. When reflecting on this event, I felt Him leading me to write out my own testimony. So, through tears and disbelief, I did. I wrote three pages of truth encapsulating the ghosts of our past. I am unsure if I am meant to share it tonight, but I do know that it is meant to be shared.

“It takes two people to speak the truth: One to speak and another to hear.”– Henry David Thoreau

If the story is never shared, the truth is never revealed. The truth is that more people experience violence and pain than we could even imagine. The truth is that many people think that they are the only one who has lived through a nightmare. The truth is that we are all in this together, and when we share, we begin to heal and to prevent the bad dreams from haunting others.

I am not going to claim that my story is comparable to many. I was never raped, I was never assaulted, and I never have felt the pain of being dehumanized into an object of sexual attraction. I, however, have felt the pain of supporting someone who has, the pain of seeing another's nightmare first hand and not knowing how to help, and the pain of remembering what it is like to live in constant fear of abuse.  Tonight, I am going to take back the night for myself by listening and learning how to reopen my ears, my eyes and my heart to the truth and the pain and most importantly the beauty of the healing that comes when one can safely dream again.

"And I am a writer, writer of fictions
I am the heart that you call home
And I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones"  - "The Engine Driver", The Decemberists.

My pen has hit the paper again, or more accurately most days, my fingers have reconnected with the keyboard.  One of my favorite quotes is from a retired journalist who understood the intimacy between a writer and his words:

"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein" - R. Smith

 Writing is pouring your heart and soul onto the page. Sometimes the results are breathtaking, other times they quite frankly suck, but always, they are authentic.  Here's to authenticity, and not being afraid to bleed a little...

I recently wrote a paper for my Peace and Religion class on the  evolution of the Assemblies of God's stance on war over the last century. The main text for my research was a book called Peace to War: Shifting Allegiances in the Assemblies of God by Paul Alexander.

This is the second book I have read by Alexander, and I am definitely impressed at his insightful, yet professionally objective approach to examining the doctrine of his denomination. To summarize the book and my paper in a few sentences: essentially, Pentecostalism was completely pacifist in the early days of the AG. They maintained that stance through both World Wars and then amended their doctrine in the late 1960s. Combining just war theory with American Civil Religion, the AG has since embraced military service and has earned a reputation for being pro-war and extremely patriotic.

Alexander indirectly suggests that the AG has watered down their doctrine and their values to conform to the world around them. I would agree, and I would apply those sentiments to the greater Church as a whole. I closed my paper with this quote from Alexander because it thoughtfully asks the cliche, but always critical question: "What would Jesus do?"

“Which way- pacifist or bellicist, peacemaking or warmaking- fits the ethos of Pentecostalism? The answer depends on how one understands Pentecostalism and Christianity, and this book will show that it largely depends on Jesus’ teachings and how much one conforms to American and broader religious society. If Pentecostalism is essentially the empowerment of the Holy Spirit to make disciples of all nations, and Jesus is authoritative on the war/killing question, then nonviolence fits perfectly (as it actually did historically). If Pentecostalism is the empowerment of the Holy Spirit to make disciples of all nations, but the defense of America and the existence of warfare in the Hebrew Scriptures are authoritative on the war/killing question, then warmaking it is (as is currently the case in the American Assemblies of God).”

 Whether it is war on the front lines of the battlefield or our own homes, if Jesus is the authority and the ethos is allowing His Holy Spirit to change us into his image while empowering us to make disciples.... then peace is the only option. 

The Bible tells us to avoid  unnecessary quarrel when possible and to promote peace. In the passage asking us not to cause our brothers to stumble, it reminds us to life in a way that promotes harmony with our brothers and sisters in Christ...

"Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification." Romans 14:19.