Zero. Out of all the areas of growth I targeted for 2011, I didn't make significant progress in a single one of them

It's funny how we always start the year determined to become better people, but rarely do we follow through. New Year's resolutions are almost laughable. That's why columnists and relatives alike will encourage you to set "realistic" goals. "Set benchmarks that you can accomplish. Don't set yourself up for failure. Guarantee success by sticking with a fool-proof method."  I don't know about you, but I'm starting to wonder whether there is any value at all in developing "realistic" strategies.

When I wrote "11 for 11... and beyond", I sincerely desired growth in each of the areas listed. A year later, I'm reading over the post nodding my head in agreement- excited about the possibilities. BUT, there is still a little voice in the back of my mind saying "you can't do that. Be realistic. Come up with a plan. What are your tangible goals?"


Today I am publicly telling that  little voice to shut up and mind its own damn business.

As I entered 2011, I didn't have a strategy. Sure, I set out areas of growth and I had some idea of how I could ask others to hold me accountable for those changes. But, I didn't have a step-by-step plan. I simply wanted to follow Jesus and see where He led me. 

As the months progressed, I had a ton of voices speaking into my life. Most of which had good intentions and were genuinely concerned for my future. The little voice inside my head liked all the rational advice I was receiving  and continued to champion the formation of a strategy for success. [I should pause to note that the little voice is just for illustration- there is no need for exorcisms or any medication at this point in time].  And so in an effort to please all the voices in my life, I began to be more rational and I began to develop rational plans. I became a little less idealistic, hoping to gain the approval and support of others.

Consequently, I lost my sense of self and my sense of calling ... and I completely burnt-out multiple times this year. [Read more about what I learned about burning out and missing out here].

This morning I spent a few hours trying to figure out what 2012 would bring. "Should I transfer schools? Apply to work with other ministries? Finally begin an internship program? Take a few months off to try to work and diminish my student loan debt? Which city should I move to?" Too many questions!

I spent a few hours looking up information online about hypothetical strategies and plans for this new year.  Then unexpectedly a tear fell from my eye, and next thing you know, I'm flooding my living room.

"Why are you doing this Kera? Where did strategizing get you this year? This isn't you and you know it. Consider the journey, what do you want from this year?"

 Okay. *deep breath* What do I want? I want this year to not be 2011. The best parts of last twelve months didn't fit in my rational plan: distance education seminary classes and three months in Ibiza.  "Then why are you attempting to adopt a new strategy for 2012?" I have no idea... maybe I should just pursue God, amend my path as the Spirit leads, and simply live life in faith.

Welcome to my internal dialogue. It's actually a little messier than that, but you get the picture. 


The question of "what do you want from the journey?" is haunting me. "If you could do anything this year, what would it be? Where do you want to go? What do you want to learn? "You don't even want me to begin to answer that question.

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I want to learn to live by faith. To follow the Spirit with reckless abandon. To live as simply as possible and to love more deeply than I'm capable.

I want to learn to be humble. To walk in the power of God. To be confident of who I am in Him.

I want to live life on the edge with the trust that God is moving my adventure forward. To give prophetic words to strangers. To offer hospitality to those who least expect it and who least deserve it. To worship in the darkest places.

I want to get lost in scripture and to pray with reckless abandon. To learn to be fearless in this world but to have a holy fear of God that continually brings me to my knees. 


I want to be a mouthpiece of the Gospel. To allow my soul to pour out into my writing. To use every quirky, artsy, crazy fiber of my being to spread His message. 


I want to learn to love and be loved. To love myself for who I am. To invite others into my life, knowing that relationships are messy. To befriend both the afflicted and the inflicter. 

I want to laugh and to cry more than I ever have before. To celebrate risks. To devote my all to the cause of Christ.

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I know that sounds idealistic. It's  crazy and terrifying. There is no security or stability or strategy. Guess what? I wouldn't have it any other way.  Realistic pursuits are overrated, and extremely temporal.  I want to be a part of something eternal.

So little voice that tries to scare me into adopting a rational strategy for my life, keep the muzzle on... because I'm trading my strategy for submission. In 2012, I want to learn to live by faith. 

 Running around, singing “This is Halloween, this is Halloween” as I clean and pack. [Fri]

“What did you do to your face?” It’s a piercing Mr. Greeter Man. Thanks for welcoming me to church on Christmas Eve; it’s nice to see you too! [Sat]

Opening gifts at my grandparent’s - I just unwrapped a bottle of flea shampoo. Hmm, either I’m getting a puppy or ... [Sun]

When asked where they’d like to go for lunch, my sisters responded. “Can we get salad? We never have fresh vegetables.”  =/ [Mon]

 I think I just ate a battered fried moth. Oh, and my failed attempt to make churros saved others from consuming my new delicacy. [Tues]

“Before social media, we didn’t think to keep a moment-by-moment breakdown of our days and to broadcast this to the world. Before social media, we would not have cared to read it. Yet today many of us update our Facebook status and Twitter streams with near-religious fervor, almost as if we have not actually experienced anything until we’ve told others about it … what we haven’t shared with the world seems like it has hardly been experienced at all” (pp. 70-71)

 As I stumbled into the elevator, I caught my reflection in the mirror and thought "damn, I look good".

A rare, foreign moment of self acceptance and approval. I won't tell you what I was wearing, in case you intend to kill my joy- but as I studied my appearance, I thought to myself "I like me. I'm cool, I'm casual, I'm collected... perhaps, maybe, I've got a chance to score the right job, the right friends, the right guy... all of which will like me too!" As the ding hinted that I was reaching my floor, I had one last thought "If I look this good and I'm out of shape, I need a haircut, I'm sick and I haven't slept in twenty-four hours... I definitely look good when I'm at my best".  So I stepped off the lift, walked down the hall to my apartment and went to bed confident that I like myself.

Rereading what I just wrote...  I find my words a bit conceited,  and I wonder if they are also a bit delusional.  98% of the time,  I don't like myself quite that much. I don't like how I look or the image I portray. For every night of self appreciation, there are two or three more where I lay my head on my pillow thinking that I'm not good enough.  A glance at a mirror often progresses to "Eh, I'm not sure I like this. And I'm out of shape, and nothing I like is in style... no wonder I don't have cool friends or a boyfriend or a successful career. If only I could do.... I might be a little closer to being likeable."

It's not a constant or controlling thought pattern -  don't be alarmed.  It's just that like much of the population, I struggle with body image and self image. It's a fact about my personality that I have known for a long time.  One that I am aware of and that I actively battle against.  I know I'm not alone, but really... do people realize how many of us regularly stare in the mirror with disgust?

Here is a glimpse* at the facts:


Many people don't like themselves. Many more think they are not good enough. This video is a small sample of statistics and it completely neglects other forms of negative self image. How many people are depressed because they feel like they aren't good enough? Do I look presentable? Am I funny? Am I skilled enough to... ? I'll never... will I?   [Insert your question here.]

Last week in small group, we talked about the foundational tenets of the Christian faith. When asked what the most important rules of life were, Jesus answered: 

 "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"

The question is: how would people feel if we treated them like we treated ourselves? 

Ponder that one for a bit.  Then consider, if God created you... if he formed you and directs you and loves you, is a negative self image a form of pride?

Imagine the perfect you.  What would would you change?

A professor once told me that the ultimate goal of a Christian is to be the you that Jesus would be if he had your strengths, your personality, your influence, your situation, your circumstances... your life.

Is that what you pictured? Or did you change the essence of who you are? To the image of magazines? To the definition of success? To a picture perfect persona found in media or movies? Do you think you could create a better you than God created? 

I'll admit that sometimes I do.  I'd erase my scars, my life experiences, my asthma, my ability to detect people lying, the fact that I often cry in public places when I'm deeply moved by something. I'd want to be a little taller, a little fitter, a lot smarter, and hilariously funny. I'd give myself more musical ability, a capacity to learn foreign languages... do I need to go on?

I'm proud enough to think that God screwed up when he created me.  And, that's just wrong. 

Allow me to interject a quick caveat, I am not saying that the desire to improve oneself cannot be godly. What I am questioning is why we have a desire to improve ourselves? Why do self help books become best sellers? Is it because we desire to be the best we can be so that we can fully contribute to the world? Or is it a desire to be the people we wish we could be in order to reach the world's idea of perfection?

For example, I have a desire to get into better physical shape. Does my desire to do so stem from dissatisfaction with my body compared to socially constructed expectations of beauty? Or does it stem from a desire to be fully healthy so that I can serve God with all my strength? One is a prideful endeavor; the other is a godly one.

All this to say, I should like myself more.  God loves me. He sees me as He created me to be, and I should value and appreciate his craftsmanship. Moreover, if I can't see myself as God sees me, how can I see you as God sees you? How can I fully love you if I never learned to love myself?

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*While this particular video doesn't offer citations, it appears to be consistent with other research I've come across.

After my lengthy rant about why I am skeptical of the A word [see "the A word, and why I don't like it" for explanation], I think it is only fair that I share some meaningful experiences with affirmation.

Since it's both a complete and lucky number, I'll share the top seven affirmations I've received Then, in case you didn't get enough of the A-word: as I bonus, I'll tell you my favorite ways to facilitate meaningful semester/year affirmations. This is quickly sounding like an infomercial, step right up and discover how you too can redeem the world of affirmations. [lists are in no particular order].

A "letter" from summer '09

1. Prophetic letters:  After three months of living together as participants in a summer discipleship program, my housemates and I were encouraged to write notes to one another. We each took time to pray over them, asking God for specific prophetic insights. The result was later transformed into a binder that I have often referred to for encouragement and truthful reminders of who I am.


2. Pep talk: During a really difficult season of life, I was talking on the phone with a close friend about some of my struggles. She interrupted me to assert that I was an asset, one that should be valued. After a five minute pep talk, I was ready to take on the world. More recently, someone organically broke into a pep talk over lunch. Hearing how much this individual believed in me caught me off guard and solicited a few unexpected tears.


3. Radical Introduction: This is perhaps my favorite affirmation ever. It is also one that has haunted me. One of my colleagues in campus ministry introduced me to one of his students as a "radical Christian" and encouraged her to talk with me because I "live out my faith in every aspect of my life". I simultaneously felt a confirmation of "yes, that's who I am" and I conviction of "yes, that's who I need to be". Introductions are actually fantastic ways to affirm someone. I was reminded of this again last week when another colleague gave me the best introduction ever before I spoke at our weekly worship service.


4. Audio reminder: The most ridiculous affirmation I ever received was a mp3 recording of my friend telling me who she thinks I am. She simply messaged me the file. It was corny, but incredibly meaningful. And, if I ever forget, I can always listen to it again. Also, another friend wrote a song about one of our shared experiences, and hearing it brought the biggest smile to my face.


5. Book recommendation: I am a geek, and I love books. I'll never forgot when I asked a mentor for a book, and he gave me a stack of literature that I would have never considered reading. Later I realized that he was affirming the call to missions/ministry on my life by equipping me with material that would encourage me to pursue my calling.


6. Prayer: I still maintain that prayer is the most powerful affirmation ever! If you love someone, you pray for them. If you love someone, you ask God to give you words to encourage them. I'll never forget the occasions when friends prayed with me and shared words of wisdom that God had given them for me.


7. Random email/phone call: One of my favorite emails ever is a quote that a friend send me quite randomly. She was reading a book, and thought of me when she stumbled across this quote. The email was super short- just a quote and a sentence saying that she thought it embodied what I was to become. It has since become one of my mantras in life, and is a major source of encouragement. On a number of other occasions, friends have randomly called me just because they thought of me, and it has totally made my day.

Perhaps this things don't seem like traditional affirmations. They aren't really, but they are some of the most memorable encouragements that I have ever received. The key to affirming someone is to be honest and authentic. Being affirming continually means creatively and consistently showing people that they are valued because they truly are.

How then can scheduled group affirmations be meaningful, authentic expressions of encouragement? While I am sometimes a critic of organized affirmation times, I have seen invaluable times of encouragement come from well thought out times of affirmation. Here are my top three ideas for more formal group affirmations:

Collage from '11 Small Group

Book from '09 Small Group

1. Community Art Project: I love art, and I love that art gives people a freedom to express themselves in a way that words often can't. Last year, my small group did a community art project: a collage for each person. When the collages were finished, we explained why we added each element. It was honestly the best affirmation time I have ever been a part of because everyone could contribute without feeling the pressure of thinking of nice things on the spot. Plus, there was a physical takeaway to serve as a continual reminder of a supportive community. 


2. Collaborative Book: Once again, this involves art and prayer. Another time, we sent each of the small group members home with a piece of paper for each member of the small group. Their task was to pray for each person and put something on the paper. The result was a booklet of affirmation cards for each person. Some were abstract pictures, others were well thought out words, some contained favorite memories... regardless each card contained something meaningful that was thoughtful and prayerfully considered.


3. Prayer: When in a supportive community of believers, sometimes the most affirming thing is to simply pray for someone and ask God to strengthen and encourage them. The times that we have placed someone in the middle of a circle and laid hands on them in prayer have been some of the most powerful times of affirmation. As Christians, we do not pray for one another enough and taking the time to pray and prophesy over one another may result in God speaking in incredible ways. 

I'll briefly conclude this post with the most memorable affirmation I ever gave. At the end of a mission trip,  I wrote an encouraging thank you card for each person on our team. I simply prayed for a bit and jotted down some thoughts. When one of the guys on the trip opened his card, he started crying. He thanked me profusely for the wisdom and said that it was a message from God. To this day, I still have no memory of what I wrote, but I'll always remember that taking the time to say "I appreciate you" is worthwhile.