Zero. Out of all the areas of growth I targeted for 2011, I didn't make significant progress in a single one of them

It's funny how we always start the year determined to become better people, but rarely do we follow through. New Year's resolutions are almost laughable. That's why columnists and relatives alike will encourage you to set "realistic" goals. "Set benchmarks that you can accomplish. Don't set yourself up for failure. Guarantee success by sticking with a fool-proof method."  I don't know about you, but I'm starting to wonder whether there is any value at all in developing "realistic" strategies.

When I wrote "11 for 11... and beyond", I sincerely desired growth in each of the areas listed. A year later, I'm reading over the post nodding my head in agreement- excited about the possibilities. BUT, there is still a little voice in the back of my mind saying "you can't do that. Be realistic. Come up with a plan. What are your tangible goals?"


Today I am publicly telling that  little voice to shut up and mind its own damn business.

As I entered 2011, I didn't have a strategy. Sure, I set out areas of growth and I had some idea of how I could ask others to hold me accountable for those changes. But, I didn't have a step-by-step plan. I simply wanted to follow Jesus and see where He led me. 

As the months progressed, I had a ton of voices speaking into my life. Most of which had good intentions and were genuinely concerned for my future. The little voice inside my head liked all the rational advice I was receiving  and continued to champion the formation of a strategy for success. [I should pause to note that the little voice is just for illustration- there is no need for exorcisms or any medication at this point in time].  And so in an effort to please all the voices in my life, I began to be more rational and I began to develop rational plans. I became a little less idealistic, hoping to gain the approval and support of others.

Consequently, I lost my sense of self and my sense of calling ... and I completely burnt-out multiple times this year. [Read more about what I learned about burning out and missing out here].

This morning I spent a few hours trying to figure out what 2012 would bring. "Should I transfer schools? Apply to work with other ministries? Finally begin an internship program? Take a few months off to try to work and diminish my student loan debt? Which city should I move to?" Too many questions!

I spent a few hours looking up information online about hypothetical strategies and plans for this new year.  Then unexpectedly a tear fell from my eye, and next thing you know, I'm flooding my living room.

"Why are you doing this Kera? Where did strategizing get you this year? This isn't you and you know it. Consider the journey, what do you want from this year?"

 Okay. *deep breath* What do I want? I want this year to not be 2011. The best parts of last twelve months didn't fit in my rational plan: distance education seminary classes and three months in Ibiza.  "Then why are you attempting to adopt a new strategy for 2012?" I have no idea... maybe I should just pursue God, amend my path as the Spirit leads, and simply live life in faith.

Welcome to my internal dialogue. It's actually a little messier than that, but you get the picture. 


The question of "what do you want from the journey?" is haunting me. "If you could do anything this year, what would it be? Where do you want to go? What do you want to learn? "You don't even want me to begin to answer that question.

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I want to learn to live by faith. To follow the Spirit with reckless abandon. To live as simply as possible and to love more deeply than I'm capable.

I want to learn to be humble. To walk in the power of God. To be confident of who I am in Him.

I want to live life on the edge with the trust that God is moving my adventure forward. To give prophetic words to strangers. To offer hospitality to those who least expect it and who least deserve it. To worship in the darkest places.

I want to get lost in scripture and to pray with reckless abandon. To learn to be fearless in this world but to have a holy fear of God that continually brings me to my knees. 


I want to be a mouthpiece of the Gospel. To allow my soul to pour out into my writing. To use every quirky, artsy, crazy fiber of my being to spread His message. 


I want to learn to love and be loved. To love myself for who I am. To invite others into my life, knowing that relationships are messy. To befriend both the afflicted and the inflicter. 

I want to laugh and to cry more than I ever have before. To celebrate risks. To devote my all to the cause of Christ.

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I know that sounds idealistic. It's  crazy and terrifying. There is no security or stability or strategy. Guess what? I wouldn't have it any other way.  Realistic pursuits are overrated, and extremely temporal.  I want to be a part of something eternal.

So little voice that tries to scare me into adopting a rational strategy for my life, keep the muzzle on... because I'm trading my strategy for submission. In 2012, I want to learn to live by faith. 

Multiple people have suggested to me that I keep a blog for my ministry partners and support team.

So, here is the game plan folks. This blog remains active, and I remain faithful to it. You can continue to expect randomness, reflections, revelations, reviews, rants, and a number of other things that aren't coming to mind at the moment because of the amount of alliteration in this sentence.  Definitely keep checking in here. This place will continue to be the best source of insight to what is going inside my head.

The other blog will become my main source of communication with my support team.  If you want the updates specifically regarding what I am doing with Chi Alpha, follow that blog as well. [Also, shameless plug, I am still short of my budget and really need some help support raising. If you know of anyone who might be interested in investing in campus ministry, please let me know or send them towards the info pages on the other blog. Thanks!!]

Why have two different blogs? Well, some people will want to know what is going on with the ministry on campus, but could care less about the musing of my mind. I don't like the compartmentalization, but in this particular circumstance, I see value in it. Somedays there will be overlap, I'm sure.

Another reason for the separation, I don't want my personal musings to be seen as the face of the ministry on campus... especially since I plan on making this blog a little more public and transparent than it has been. What do I mean by that? Well, for one, I am going to make it findable for the first time... and I am going to be posting a lot more links on facebook to this site.

Why? Recently God has really been challenging me to tap back into my hidden giftings and to be a lot more public with the things that make me who I am -- my passion for processing the world around me, writing, books, theology, music, culture, and all the other things that I have touched upon or should have touched upon in this blog over the years. There may also be a return to the more creative writing, photography, art, and all that jazz...

As my public ministry officially launches with this internship, my personal ministry... my life... is also going to be put on display for all to see... and this blog is my life in type, one day at a time. 

As my facebook status currently indicates, I walked out of church this morning. Standing there, I tried to worship God, but it felt so contrived-  like I was faking it. The music was familar and well played, but my heart was not in it. Too much head noise, too many distractions. The lights flickering from the stage, my annoyance at the group of girls commenting on how I was wearing jeans and a tshirt, the prayers intertwined with the song that sounded like they were straight from a Christianese Hallmark card, singing songs about fire falling down and being the hands and feet of the Gospel knowing that the words are seemingly empty... I could not focus. Nothing in worship changed from the last time I was there, none of these criticisms are new, but for some reason this morning I could not get through the emerging church "Sunday's coming" model  that every church has seeming adopted (catch the funny video reference on vimeo). I dropped to my knees hoping to tune out the distractions and hear God's voice...

"Why are you here? This isn't you. You want to love and serve me with all you have, all I have given you and this isn't the place for you. Here, you are caged. So why are you trying soo hard to fit here? Just leave. Get up, walk to your car, leave. We can talk on your way back. We'll start with your family. Love and serve there. If they see you like this, so passionate and wrecked and excited, they will understand. Go tell them what you have seen, how you have changed, what you desire... let's start there. Get up and worship me...."

So I got up, and as soon as I had the opportunity to sneak out without being distracting, I walked out mid-worship and got in my car. 4.5 hours later....after hours of worship through prayer, spoken word, spontaneous song, and a bit of dancing behind the wheel...

Through a stream of tears, I began telling my brother what God is doing in my life, what God is doing in Ibiza, what I hope God will continue doing in the people I met these last few weeks.  From the perspective of my brother who has known me my entire life and has not necessarily been affirming of what I have been doing recently, "Yeah, that all sounds cool. Sounds like something you'd do. Sounds more like you than what you are doing now. You're going back, right? For a few months, maybe a year or something? I can't see you there forever, well I can't actually see you anywhere forever, but I can see you living in Spain for a bit.  Just be sure to get some international calling on that phone."
 
Survey says: I have a strong feeling I'll be back in Ibiza next summer. The question is just a matter of the length and context of my stay on the island.

"Seriously? $25,000... only 10-15% raised... only five weeks or so left and two of them I'll be in Spain... and I have no clue who to contact.... am I really going to make my budget by August 7th or at least enough of it to begin my internship?"

Last week at Reach the U (intern training), I found myself asking this question often. As the week progressed, I became more and more anxious... my greatest fear ruminating in mind: not having the funds I need on August 7th. I am confident that this internship is where I need to be this year, that my heart is truly at AU for now, that this is the beginning of a crazy life ahead, and that I will be an absolute wreck if things do not fall into place... and that my fears are irrational because God will provide.

Two months ago, our apartment's desk receptionist told me that she felt like the Lord is going to use my support raising process to plant the seed of faith that turns my family back to Him. I am beginning to believe that she is right...

Like  many other family functions, our Father's day picnic turned into a conversation about everyone's financial difficulties and more specifically about my lack of stability and wisdom in my career choice. "You will never come up with that money. The economy is too bad. No one will give because no one has money to give away." True, most people don't have money to give away, but God does. Besides a fraction of everyone's income should be given back to God through tithes and offerings. Some of my supporters are giving a fraction of their tithe to missionaries,an example of why supporting ministries is  not dependent on the economy. The conversation shifts to tithing and whether or not tithing is a cult practice or a religious legality. The concept of giving as a form of worship is unthinkable, and no one believes that God provides. "We do not offer money to the Church until our bills are paid and there is food on the table. God will not pay my bills. He doesn't care about that, and that isn't how He works." While the prosperity Gospel is the furthest thing from my mind, I do believe that God provides and that He should be the first priority in time, money, and resources.

And so, I declared my God does work that way and He most certainly does care. In fact, if you need an example of this, just wait until August 7th. I will call you then, and tell you that I have enough of my budget to begin my internship. Because I am putting God first in my life, He will provide the resources I need to serve Him. 

Like Elijah at Mount Carmel, I issued a challenge with the expectation that  God will make Himself known. I built the altar and am offering myself and all that I am as the sacrifice, I am saturating the wood with water by going to Spain, and I am fully expecting God to light a fire in the last few weeks. This support raising process will be successful not only because God wants me on campus, but also because God wants my family to see what He can and will do if they trust Him and make Him a priority in their lives. 

The verse of the summer is 1 Kings 18: 37:

Answer me, O LORD, answer me, so these people will know that you, O LORD, are God, and that you are turning their hearts back again.

Dear friend, family member, or random acquaintance,

I am writing a letter to you, on a blog you will never read, hoping that one day things will change and perhaps you will stumble across my musings. I know that you do not understand who I am or why I am making the choices that I am in life. Furthermore, you are quick to point out the numerous ways that I am destroying my life. The ironic truth is that your criticism of my self destruction is only confirmation that my feet are upon the right path.

Jesus said that in order to find life, we must lose ourselves. When I look back on the person that I was three years ago, I praise God that I lost myself. 

I was a selfish, stoic, sinister individual who sought nothing but escape and influence. I emotionally could not comprehend joy, pain or fear. I mentally could not understand the very concepts that I claimed to found my life upon, as I embraced servant leadership without understanding what it meant to be a servant or a leader. I verbally assaulted anyone that opposed my worldview or opinion, and took great pride in it. And, I physically had no problem with throwing a fist if the situation deemed it necessary.  My aspiration was to either join the military to deceive the masses through psychological operations, to enter politics to prove I was the most conniving debater, or to enter international development simply to disappear off the radar and to spite everyone who wanted me to stay in the United States. The person I should be is a college junior with no friends, a chain smoking habit, a drinking problem on her way to a double degree, double minor, and a certificate in hopes of taking over the world just to prove how much the world  is destined to self destruct.

I lost that person, and I am grateful. I do not like the person that you think I should be. I mean I still have problems with who I am, but God and I are working on it. Yes, God and I. I know that you think that my word choices are merely rhetoric and that I have been brainwashed into using them. Yet, that is the furthest thing from the truth.  My words, for better or worse, are an overflow of my heart... a heart that the Holy Spirit is actively changing day by day.

I love you, truly I do. I know that you do not understand, and you cannot understand because you do not know Jesus like I know Him. I pray that one day you will, that one day you will be even closer to the heart of God than I am now. 

In the meanwhile, I pray that the Lord will provide more than enough for my support raising needs. My prayer is that the Lord will provide for me, not only to meet my needs, but more importantly to glorify His name. My prayer is that through this support raising process, you will see that God is who He says He is. I know it seems like an unachievable goal right now, and one that you believe that I will fail to reach.  For this reason, I pray that I not only reach it, but surpass it. So that I can declare that the Lord has provided, that He is alive, active, and achieving the impossible.

Here is to another open letter to be written mid-August saying that the Lord has provided. Until then, my hope is in my Savior, my strength is His joy, and my prayer is that I would continue to be made less so that He may be made great. I am praying that your lives will be radically shaken by the Spirit of God, and that even my testimony could direct you a little closer to Him.

Much love and many blessings,

Kera

 " I will help you bear this burden, Frodo Baggins, as long as it is yours to bear." -Gandalf, The Fellowship of the Ring.

Something that I have learned this year is the importance of prayer in koinonia (fellowship).  Being in community means sharing joys and sorrows, triumphs and failures, strengths and weaknesses, and all the ups and downs of life. Sharing is more than simply stating; to share means to have in common, to contribute to the cause. If my friend is sharing his/her burden with me, I am taking that burden upon myself by committing it to mind and to prayer. As long as the burden exists, as a friend in koinonia, it is my duty and privilege to help carry the load. The Biblical precedent for friendship and fellowship is the sharing of burdens:

"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." -Galatians 6:2 (NIV).

 What does it mean to carry the burden of another? This question has been in my mind all year as I have been contemplating the meaning and importance of interceding for my friends. A mentor of mine recommended that I read Intercessory Prayer by Dutch Sheets, and I have found the book considerably insightful and definitely challenging.

Sheets uses his knowledge of biblical Greek to highlight the meanings of scripture, and in chapter 5 of his book, he explains what it means to "Lean on me" in a biblical sense. He opens the chapter with an illustration of what it means to share in the suffering or humiliation with one another by providing support and then extrapolates explaining that to carry a burden means much more than simply being supportive.

"The Bible says, "Weep with those who weep" (Rom. 12:15) and "Bear one another's burden's
 (Gal. 6.2). Although this involves [showing public support for one another], sharing each other's pain, it does NOT convey the full scope of these verses. We're not merely to carry the burdens for our brothers and sisters in Christ; we're to carry them away... Big Difference! One involves sharing a load; the other involves removing a load." (65)

He goes on to explain how there are two words for "bearing" in the New Testament.The first is ἀνεχόμενοι (anechomai) meaning "to sustain, bear or hold up against a thing".  The Bible tells us to "bear with" one another in Col 3.13 and Eph 4:2.  As Sheets explains:

"[These passages are saying] "Stake yourselves to one another." In other words, we're to come along side a weak brother or sister who is "weighed down" and say 'You're not going to fall and be broken and destroyed, because I am staking myself to you. My strength is now yours. Go ahead, and lean on me. As long as I can stand, you will". (64).

In other words, we stand together and carry one another. To use another Lord of the Rings  reference, we take the perspective of Sam and say  "I can't carry it for you... but I can carry you!".

The other word for bearing is βαστάζω (bastazo) meaning "to bear, lift or carry"- used in Romans 15:1-3 and Galatians 6:2. Sheets draws a relation to the Hebrew words paga ("laid on" or "intercession") and nasa ("to bear away" or "remove to a distance"). These words are used to describe how Christ bore our sins and distanced them from us. Sheets emphasizes how intercession is "re-presenting" the work of Christ by declaring the His power and authority in the lives of others.  We are to take the burden of someone else upon ourselves and  work to distance them from their troubles - through prayer and intercession which is only possible because of Christ's sacrifice and the authority given to His disciples through His name. 

"In implementing Christ's priestly ministry of intercession, we're not simply to carry burdens for others; we're to carry them away from others- just as Jesus did. (70)....

The Almighty administering the blessing of the covenant through us.  That's what intercession is all about. Paga:  He "lays on" someone else's need. Anechomai: We "stake" ourselves to that person. Bastazo: We "carry away" the weakness of burden.(73)."

The book continues explaining these concepts as well as prayer strategies and stories, but the premise is simple. The Biblical mandate is to support one another, to pray for burdens to be removed, to help tangibly in any way we can , and to continue to support one another and bear those burdens until the burden is no longer theirs to bear. 

I don't know about the rest of the world, but this perspective has changed how I pray for my friends. I used to just pray for things, hoping that they go away and pray occasionally as I thought about the trouble. Now, I keep a journal page of things to stand in prayer with my friends for, and do my best to pray on a regular basis. And, I pray with expectation knowing that it is my duty and privilege to intercede for those I love. Instead of praying, "God help them get through this, and I pray that your will will be done".

My prayer looks a little more like this: "Jesus, I know that You already paid the price for this burden. I know that the sacrifice You made on the cross was enough, and I believe that You can carry this away. Father, I know that You desire to see this trouble alleviated because you care for your children. So I ask in Jesus' name that this burden be removed. I pray Lord that if there is anyway I can help bear this trouble and stand with my friend in support, that You would reveal it to me. I stand with my friend, I stake myself to them. I pray that I can help be their strength through the strength You have given me, and that I can share in both their sorrow and the joy on the other side of this struggle. Lord, I ask that You place distance between them and their sorrows, so that they can see Your goodness and truth. If I can help in anyway to carry this burden or to carry them, Lord please show me how to do so. I love You God, and I know we both love my dear friend. So I believe that you are working in this situation and I thank you for the moment when this burden is no longer theirs to bear because that moment will come. As it does, may all the glory be to You, Amen."

I love my friends... and I will always bear with them. I can only hope that they will bear with me too... because we all need one another and to quote the Beatles, "we get by with a little help from our friends".

[Friendly disclaimer: intercession and burden bearing and all that jazz should not be confused with developing a sense of codependency. I'm not going to go into a long discourse about codependent relationships and the dangers of developing them. However, if relationships in your life send up unhealthy red flags, I would encourage you to consider investigating d.t.r. style.  I've personally been down that road before where friendships become obsessions, and it's not a fun place to be. Healthy friendships are invaluable in life and are worth taking the time to consider and develop.]

"To exploit your opponents' weaknesses, you must first explore your own"- Quote from an old Adidas t-shirt, tacked above my bed in PA.

 There are some words in which we truly live by, and this quote happens to be one of my life mantras. Whether applied to athletics, academics, extracurricular activities or relationships, my goal was always to have the upper hand in any situation. The way to prepare for opposition is to build your strengths while working to diminish your weaknesses. My obsession with this idea of self improvement coupled with my innate competitive edge may be why I am one of the most self critical people that I know.  

Much has changed since a thirteen year old girl decided to take on the world, one Adidas motto at a time. Though times change, some things remain with us and I often find myself reflecting on my old mantra once again. What does it look like to have the same drive and determination in a life devoted to God?  How do you explore your weaknesses and prepare yourself to follow Jesus through opposition? How do I work to diminish my weaknesses in this new context of a life of ministry?

I have been pondering these questions for awhile,and I truly believe that God is revealing to me areas of weakness that I need to actively work on over the summer in order to prepare for this next season of life.

1. Consistency and discipline... Whether it be devotions, prayer, study, using gifts, sharing faith or any other aspect of life, I need to be the same person regardless of my surroundings. I need  remain connected to God and who He has created me to be 100% of the time. 
2. Image and Insecurity...  My insecurities surrounding my image- both in terms of body image and personality- are ridiculous. They effect how I interact with others, and could continue to hinder my effectiveness in ministry. The solution is that I need to healthily get back into physical shape and rebuild my sense of identity. 90% of my current struggles are rooted in my own insecurities, and reestablishing my self confidence will definitely diminish one of  the devil's favorite footholes in my life and some of my favorite excuses.
3. Unapologetic Worship... I love God, but all too often I tone down who I am and how I worship Him out of fear of offending others or embarrassing myself.  The word worship is translated from two different words in Greek - latreia meaning to serve or ministry, and proskyneo meaning to take a posture of submission. Whether it is ministering to people or submitting to God, I need to begin to worship unashamedly and wholeheartedly. This category has a more specific applications in terms of writing and music- both of which I will explain in more detail in a later post.

As I explore my own weakness, I am reminded that that exploitation is no longer the goal. The goal is to glorify God. My attitude is slowly transitioning towards the mantra of Paul:

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." -2 Corinthians 12:9:

Amen. I am weak, but I serve a mighty God... and I am so excited to see how He can use even me to build His Kingdom. Here's to exploring weakness and wearing it on my sleeve for the world to see.

"And I am a writer, writer of fictions
I am the heart that you call home
And I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones"  - "The Engine Driver", The Decemberists.

My pen has hit the paper again, or more accurately most days, my fingers have reconnected with the keyboard.  One of my favorite quotes is from a retired journalist who understood the intimacy between a writer and his words:

"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein" - R. Smith

 Writing is pouring your heart and soul onto the page. Sometimes the results are breathtaking, other times they quite frankly suck, but always, they are authentic.  Here's to authenticity, and not being afraid to bleed a little...

Except a longer, more elegant update at a later date. I realized that I haven't posted anything of substance on here in awhile; recent entries have merely been my scattered thoughts. Expect substance again, expect God to give me intellectual revelation and inspiring reflections, expect things to change...... because I am expecting it.

For now, I'll leave you with my thought of the day... some encouragement from an dear friend of mine.

" soak up the goodness, even if it's a bit cloudy....

.... God can and does and will continue to use you :-)"

 Truth. Time to live with these expectations once again....