One of my favorite movies of all time describes exactly how I feel right now:

"How many days have I lost? How can I get back to the place where I started? I'm outside a house, trying to find my way in, but it's locked and the blinds are down, and I've lost the key, and I can't remember what the rooms look like or where I put anything. And if I dare go inside, I wonder, will I ever be able to find my way out?"

Proof is a gem of a movie that not too many people are familiar with... so let me briefly explain the premise. There is a brilliant young mathematician who fears that she is going crazy like her father. So she runs away from her work and her life; she wants nothing to do with the numbers that were making her feel as if she was mad. Then, she is encouraged to go back to it and she knows she has to do so... but she is afraid of diving back in for several reasons. She is afraid of not being able to get back to the point were she once was. Partly because she has been away from it for so long that she isn't even convinced that she did the work to begin with. Secondly, she is afraid of jumping back in and never being able to get out. Not to mention, that she still is not sure of whether or not she is going insane.

I'm at that point. There are three things holding me back. 1) Uncertainty that I was ever in the house to begin with, worrying if my memories were once realities. 2) Fear of not being able to get back into the house, which only enhances my fear of insanity. 3) Fear of never being able to leave if I can get back inside.

So now I find myself in front of the house... not actively looking for the key ... but know that I will at least have to attempt to go back inside.

I always wondered why this song was titled Chocolate, but now I think I understand. Chocolate is an addiction of sorts, a nostalgia, a way to ease the pain, a way to celebrate the occasion . some people hate it, some people love it, and some cannot live without it. Chocolate is all things to all people. While the song in actuality has absolutely nothing to do with chocolate, it does portray an accurate description of what it is like to realize that your dependency lies on one thing... that there is only one thing that can be your everything.

""You're the only thing that I love
It scares me more every day
On my knees I think clearer
.....
I promise I'll do anything you ask...this time"

That pretty much summarizes my thoughts and feelings at the moment. I am so in love with my God... and I am honestly afraid, or rather extremely nervous/intimidated, of what lies ahead. Prayer allows me to think clearly, but when I get up off my knees, nothing seems to make sense anymore. At once I have clarity and confusion, stability and instability, wisdom and pure stupidity... I wonder if I am crazy sometimes.

The truth is that maybe I am just losing my mind, but ... borrowing the words and sentiments of the Matrix Revolutions:

"It is remarkable how similar the pattern of love is to the pattern of insanity ..."

"I like [insert stuff i actually like here]
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything

The things that I've loved the things that I've lost
The things I've held sacred that I've dropped
I won't lie no more you can bet
I don't want to learn what I'll need to forget"


Sometimes I love stuff that doesn't remind me of anything. Why? Because it is safer that way. When something reminds you of something else your mind races... and one thing leads to another... and then you have to try to forget it all over again. I am starting to become really tired of trying to forget things. It is becoming increasingly harder to find things that don't remind me of anything.

I love to say I don't remember or that I don't know, but often the truth is that I am just afraid of remembering or admitting that I know because then I can't forget it. Once something is said it cannot be unsaid. Once something is written down, you can't take back your words. Even if you erase them, the fact is that they were still documented at one point in time.

Documentation is so binding. Once you make a binding statement, you cannot easily retract it. My fear is that maybe I am completely wrong. Maybe I am unintentionally lying to myself about everything. What if I am fabricating things in my mind? What if ....? I do not want to have to retract a statement. I want to be sure before I make any declaration.

Yet, I know... or at least I know enough to know a little.

" When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe"

Okay, okay, perhaps a John Mayer love song isn't the best way to start this entry, but I love those first four lines. Just reflect on those lines and ignore the rest of the song for me...

Let's play the what if game... some random questions to ponder...

What if your dreams spoke to you? What if they showed you television images of your past, present, and future? What if they showed you symbolism and metaphors revealing the deeper things in life? What if your dreams became realities? What if you could occasionally interpret the dreams of others? Would you want to sleep, would you want to dream, would you want to talk about it?

What if you just knew things sometimes? What if you had that gut feeling that you think that you should follow ? What if you had vibes about people, if you had glimpses into who they are and what they feel? What if you could see through people, if you could tell whether or not they were telling the truth? What if you could just sense good and bad situations by seeing or hearing about them? Would you act upon it, share it, or discuss it?

What if you knew what the theme of your life was? What if you understood the purpose of your past? What if you could see some of the path ahead in your future? What if you wanted to take a different journey, but knew that that wasn't your mission? Would you claim it, reveal it, or accept it?

What if.... ? Would you? Could you? Would you want to?

" Savior I come
Quiet my soul remember
Redemptions hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost"


So, I did the unspeakable in my household.... I became one of those people. One of those born again rebaptized Christians. I honestly don't know that I would consider myself that, but if I told my mom what I did... she would. I consider myself a women of faith, a servant leader trying to follow the teachings of my Lord, and a child of God. I would consider myself a mere human fallen into sin, but saved by God's grace and His sacrifice on the cross. I won't say that I was saved or anointed or anything like that. I won't say that I am an evangelical, baptist, lutheran, or any other denomination. I won't categorize or try to define my faith. I am not religious. I am not necessarily spiritual. I am not trying to be any of those things, nor would I want to be. All I want to be is faithful - to my Father in heaven, to my Lord and Savior, to the Spirit that guides and empowers me.

I am not one of those people, I don't want to be one of those people, I never will be one of those people... I simply want to be one of His people.

That is why I had to take a plunge and publicly admit that I am one of His people... I had to do it so that I had a marker to remind myself that I am one of His people... so I did it, I was baptized.

So, I declare I am one of God's people... and I ask Him to lead me to the cross...

"Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross"

"Please come love
I think I'm falling
Holding on to all I think is safe
It seems I've found the road to no where
And i'm trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say...

Hold me now
I'm 6 feet from the edge
And I'm thinkin
Maybe 6 feet ain't so far down

I'm lookin down
Now that its over
Reflecting on all of my mistakes
I thought I found the road to somewhere
Somewhere in His grace
I cried out
Heaven save me
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say
Let me say..

Hold me now"

- Creed

Music, Movies, Books... how they all cut to the core of me. I am a writer at heart, words are like spoken music.. and lately my heart hasn't been able to sing. I have not been able to write. I have not been able to articulately express my thoughts. It's as if my candle- that inner flame that fuels the passion of your soul- has been extinguished. Word- both written and spoken- is how my soul cries out. However, lately silence has been speaking so much louder than words.. and we all know how fearful I am of that creature. Silence is a monster. It lurks around the corners and under your bed... it waits until you are all alone and then it pounces. It pounces with fury, causing a million things to pound down on your shoulders. It makes your head spin and your hands shake. Silence is deafening because its scream is louder than any audible words. I have been hiding from this demon my entire life. Now it has come out to play, and I am running straight into its trap. My soul has become silent. I cannot write. I cannot speak. I cannot even think clearly. My words are imprisoned in its deadly grip. Silence is slowly killing me, or rather it is breaking me down. Perhaps it isn't entirely a bad thing. Perhaps silence is just a different form of stillness. In that case, "Be still my child for I am here" has a whole new meaning to me. Maybe part of being still is being silent. Maybe words need to be held captive so that one can truly listen. Maybe for once, I just need to listen without questioning, without clearly expressing my thoughts and concerns. Maybe silence is actually a blessing in disguise. Personally, I am starting to feel as if silence is that rabbit hole in your mind. Once you dive into it, you cannot escape. You see a distant image of what you left behind, an image of who you are and the world around you. That is a reality that pierces all understanding. At the same time, in silence fragments of the future fester and pick away at your composure. There is no hiding from time as it freezes in the moment. You're in the rabbit hole, in mid fall... and you find yourself just floating there. You want to scream as you fall, but the noise is swallowed by the silent abyss. You want to cry for help, but everything is frozen in the moment. Everything is still, everything is silent. I hate that feeling. I want to continue falling. I want to fall hard, flat on my face... and I want it to hurt, and hurt badly. I want to hit rock bottom, just so that i can stand up, scrape of the bruises and find another hole. Or, I want to claw my way to the top and escape the fall. Either way, I do NOT want to be suspended in mid fall examining the position and the angle of my descent. I want control of that.. control of the speed, the angle, control of my position. I don't mind the fall, as long as I can fall my way. Yet, I am stuck in silence and stillness- suspended from words and motion. I am so out of my element... and so confused by my unwillingness to stand still. When you are so used to falling, it is so hard to stand on your feet and walk anywhere. Damn it, I want to fall! I want to fall that way I can scream and fight it, and prepare myself for the impact of crashing into the ground. I do not want to play this game of being still and moving inch by inch... I want to crash. I like the feeling. I like the rocks embedded in my knees and the cuts up and down my arms.. I like the pain. At least I know what it feels like. It is comfortable. More familiar than walking or standing still... falling is something that I know. It is something that I am good at. I want to fall, and I want to fall hard and now. I don't understand the concept of staying put or calling out for help or having a rope thrown into the hole... no, I want my rock bottom back.. because when I am at rock bottom, I can be a rock. I like the rock. The unfortunate scenario is that I cannot have that because that kind of rock is no permanent. It fades and changes from hole to hole. There is only one permanent rock, but I am too busy trying to grasp at stones to hang on to it. I don't want to attach. I like looking at the rock, and grasping onto it for support when I need it most, but I don't want to attach to it. I want to be my own rock, not a lichen on a larger one. Yet, I fail to realize that I am just that a lichen. I am not a rock, I am just a disposable mass of some organic material that really isn't good for much by myself. I need a colony of lichen and I place to attach myself to survive. I know this, but I am in denial. I still think that I am a rock... or at least I want to be a rock. The stillness is forcing me to look at myself and say hmm maybe you are organic.. maybe you didn't manufacture yourself over an extended period of time. I am not comfortable with that observation. Organic material decomposes and is extremely vulnerable to the elements.. it has to depend on nutrients and resources to survive. Whereas, a rock just simply exists on its own accord. Damn it, i am a rock. I don't need anything to survive... but then I forget that water, air, nourishment.. yeah, rocks don't need that.. lichen do. I am a lichen and I need something to attach to in order to survive. The question is whether I am going to pull some stones together and try to built my own support.. or am I going to attach to the larger, indestructible rock... how long can I avoid being a lichen when my DNA and my heart are screaming that I am and that I need to take my place and join the existing colony...

I am six feet from the edge and I'm falling..... so Hold me now.

It has been a long time since I have written in here... I went to Mexico. That was good times. As much as I wish this post was about Mexico and good times, it isn't. It is more about me falling apart. I want my identity back. Yes, I want my identity back. I want to be Kera again. The problem with that is that in order to achieve that, I have been falling back into old habits and old thought patterns. I am sick of this identity being God thing, which means that I am clearly headed in the wrong direction. I was trying so hard to God center my life that I have now began to rebel against a God-centered life. It's hard to explain, and even harder to understand. Essentially, I am trying to stop myself from crashing and it is taking a toll on me. I know my thoughts and actions aren't correct, but it's hard to keep from falling into the trap of being me and only depending on myself again. I'm trying... but.. eh I'm not sure of what I want.

Part of me wants me... part of me wants God.. I'm sure the two could coexist, but I am afraid of what that looks like because the former must change if I truly focus on the latter...

Perhaps Montana is the route to go.. but part of me wants home.. because the devil you know is better than the devil you don't.... and I'm not sure I know or want to know the true essence of who I am.