"Please come love
I think I'm falling
Holding on to all I think is safe
It seems I've found the road to no where
And i'm trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say...

Hold me now
I'm 6 feet from the edge
And I'm thinkin
Maybe 6 feet ain't so far down

I'm lookin down
Now that its over
Reflecting on all of my mistakes
I thought I found the road to somewhere
Somewhere in His grace
I cried out
Heaven save me
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say
Let me say..

Hold me now"

- Creed

Music, Movies, Books... how they all cut to the core of me. I am a writer at heart, words are like spoken music.. and lately my heart hasn't been able to sing. I have not been able to write. I have not been able to articulately express my thoughts. It's as if my candle- that inner flame that fuels the passion of your soul- has been extinguished. Word- both written and spoken- is how my soul cries out. However, lately silence has been speaking so much louder than words.. and we all know how fearful I am of that creature. Silence is a monster. It lurks around the corners and under your bed... it waits until you are all alone and then it pounces. It pounces with fury, causing a million things to pound down on your shoulders. It makes your head spin and your hands shake. Silence is deafening because its scream is louder than any audible words. I have been hiding from this demon my entire life. Now it has come out to play, and I am running straight into its trap. My soul has become silent. I cannot write. I cannot speak. I cannot even think clearly. My words are imprisoned in its deadly grip. Silence is slowly killing me, or rather it is breaking me down. Perhaps it isn't entirely a bad thing. Perhaps silence is just a different form of stillness. In that case, "Be still my child for I am here" has a whole new meaning to me. Maybe part of being still is being silent. Maybe words need to be held captive so that one can truly listen. Maybe for once, I just need to listen without questioning, without clearly expressing my thoughts and concerns. Maybe silence is actually a blessing in disguise. Personally, I am starting to feel as if silence is that rabbit hole in your mind. Once you dive into it, you cannot escape. You see a distant image of what you left behind, an image of who you are and the world around you. That is a reality that pierces all understanding. At the same time, in silence fragments of the future fester and pick away at your composure. There is no hiding from time as it freezes in the moment. You're in the rabbit hole, in mid fall... and you find yourself just floating there. You want to scream as you fall, but the noise is swallowed by the silent abyss. You want to cry for help, but everything is frozen in the moment. Everything is still, everything is silent. I hate that feeling. I want to continue falling. I want to fall hard, flat on my face... and I want it to hurt, and hurt badly. I want to hit rock bottom, just so that i can stand up, scrape of the bruises and find another hole. Or, I want to claw my way to the top and escape the fall. Either way, I do NOT want to be suspended in mid fall examining the position and the angle of my descent. I want control of that.. control of the speed, the angle, control of my position. I don't mind the fall, as long as I can fall my way. Yet, I am stuck in silence and stillness- suspended from words and motion. I am so out of my element... and so confused by my unwillingness to stand still. When you are so used to falling, it is so hard to stand on your feet and walk anywhere. Damn it, I want to fall! I want to fall that way I can scream and fight it, and prepare myself for the impact of crashing into the ground. I do not want to play this game of being still and moving inch by inch... I want to crash. I like the feeling. I like the rocks embedded in my knees and the cuts up and down my arms.. I like the pain. At least I know what it feels like. It is comfortable. More familiar than walking or standing still... falling is something that I know. It is something that I am good at. I want to fall, and I want to fall hard and now. I don't understand the concept of staying put or calling out for help or having a rope thrown into the hole... no, I want my rock bottom back.. because when I am at rock bottom, I can be a rock. I like the rock. The unfortunate scenario is that I cannot have that because that kind of rock is no permanent. It fades and changes from hole to hole. There is only one permanent rock, but I am too busy trying to grasp at stones to hang on to it. I don't want to attach. I like looking at the rock, and grasping onto it for support when I need it most, but I don't want to attach to it. I want to be my own rock, not a lichen on a larger one. Yet, I fail to realize that I am just that a lichen. I am not a rock, I am just a disposable mass of some organic material that really isn't good for much by myself. I need a colony of lichen and I place to attach myself to survive. I know this, but I am in denial. I still think that I am a rock... or at least I want to be a rock. The stillness is forcing me to look at myself and say hmm maybe you are organic.. maybe you didn't manufacture yourself over an extended period of time. I am not comfortable with that observation. Organic material decomposes and is extremely vulnerable to the elements.. it has to depend on nutrients and resources to survive. Whereas, a rock just simply exists on its own accord. Damn it, i am a rock. I don't need anything to survive... but then I forget that water, air, nourishment.. yeah, rocks don't need that.. lichen do. I am a lichen and I need something to attach to in order to survive. The question is whether I am going to pull some stones together and try to built my own support.. or am I going to attach to the larger, indestructible rock... how long can I avoid being a lichen when my DNA and my heart are screaming that I am and that I need to take my place and join the existing colony...

I am six feet from the edge and I'm falling..... so Hold me now.

It has been a long time since I have written in here... I went to Mexico. That was good times. As much as I wish this post was about Mexico and good times, it isn't. It is more about me falling apart. I want my identity back. Yes, I want my identity back. I want to be Kera again. The problem with that is that in order to achieve that, I have been falling back into old habits and old thought patterns. I am sick of this identity being God thing, which means that I am clearly headed in the wrong direction. I was trying so hard to God center my life that I have now began to rebel against a God-centered life. It's hard to explain, and even harder to understand. Essentially, I am trying to stop myself from crashing and it is taking a toll on me. I know my thoughts and actions aren't correct, but it's hard to keep from falling into the trap of being me and only depending on myself again. I'm trying... but.. eh I'm not sure of what I want.

Part of me wants me... part of me wants God.. I'm sure the two could coexist, but I am afraid of what that looks like because the former must change if I truly focus on the latter...

Perhaps Montana is the route to go.. but part of me wants home.. because the devil you know is better than the devil you don't.... and I'm not sure I know or want to know the true essence of who I am.

The song is inspirational.. and there was a distinct moment when I specifically remember the sentiment " Be Still my child... fore I am here with you".... but right now, it is becoming more difficult to be still.

My mind is racing a thousand miles and a hour, but I'm not really getting anything accomplished.
Three major categories are home, friends, and life. The problems are vast, and I am trying as hard as I can to continue treading water.

HOME= bad. Summary, Cody seems more depressed than ever. My mom is addicted to the computer and chatting.. having people from internet visit and racking up international calls on her phone bill... sounds like she may lose her job.. actually so would my grandparents if the club closes because they just busted for illegal slot machines again.. my brother said my mom is talking to some guy who thinks he is a warlock and is trying to learn spells through the Wiccan religion and what not... so my mom is losing her mind, drinking up a storm, and leaving my brother to do all the cooking and housework essentiallly... and he is cracking and failing classes and what not...

Friends.... well, yeah I don't get this concept and I don't want to go there.

Life... health = not good.. im so out of shape.. my grades aren't great... thinks are crashing...


But I'm going to be still...

I haven't wrote in this for awhile... now, I'm writing... why? well there is a lot to update on.. and I'd love to do so.. but right now, I am pissed. For lack of better words, yes, I am pissed off. At what? Life in general.

So, when I actually pull things back together... I'll be back to do a real update. God always uses these moments for good... so this should prove to be an interesting time period.

" All that I have
I lay before
With my pride on the floor
Cause to you less is more"

Anticipating Lent, I have decided to fast some things this time around...
I can't do an all out fast, and I think that just giving up one thing isn't enough...
so, here is the list of things I am giving up- either because I'm border line addicted or they are just really bad habits.

potatoes in any form
pasta
adding extra cheese to anything (if it already has cheese, that's fine, but I always seem to add cheese)
pop
juice
tea
coffee
chocolate/cookies/sweets/muffins
chips
ice cream
pizza
buying stuff from vending machines
talking about people. (its not that i even do it in a bad way... I just happen to talk a lot and mention a lot of people in the process... normally revealing more than I intend to or more than I should.. not in a im revealing your secrets way, but in a general I talk too much way)
minimum talking in hints and riddles, overcompensating, complaining, talking about myself, swearing.

Let's see if I can do this...

" I pour out myself, before you were Lord
I hold nothing back, 'cause to you less is more
And may these words on my heart on my lips,
Somehow mean so much more than this"

"All the small things
True care truth brings"

It's really easy to loose track of all the small things in life.. when in reality, the small things are some of the most precious and valuable things that we encounter. Laughter, phone calls from friends, a simple hello, a sunny day... the little things that bring a smile to someone's face. The small things, however, can also be some of the most painful things in life as well. One moment can haunt a person forever and one missing element is someone's life can leave them feeling shallow and empty. Without question, the small things are powerful things in life...

The true care truth brings... Truth with a capital T... the truth of God's grace and faithfulness brings true care. That is incredible... and it is awesome to see how all the small things add up to form the larger picture.. the plan that God has for each one of us...

So here's to the small things- the good and the bad- that make us who we are... =]

"You and I were made to worship
You and I are called to love
You and I are forgiven and free
When you and I embrace surrender
When you and I choose to believe
Then you and I will see who we were meant to be"

It all makes sense. We were made to worship and serve God... not because that is what we should do because that is why He created us, but because God is amazingly faithful to us and we should give Him all glory and praise.

We are called to love. Jesus told us to love the Lord our God above all things and to love our neighbors as ourselves. His mission was to reconcile a fallen people with their heavenly Father while spreading the love of heaven on Earth. Following in His footsteps we should do the same.

We are forgiven. We are free. Our bindings to the physical world and the power of sin were broken on the cross and we have the capacity to serve God in the fullest.

When we embrace surrender, when we choose to believe.... God is beyond powerful in our lives. When we put ourselves- all of ourselves- at the foot of His throne, he shows us amazing things. When we put everything into His hands and trust Him... we can truly see who we were meant to be.

I realize all of this. I embrace surrender. I believe.... and I am quickly beginning to see who I was meant to be. It is becoming clear, yet increasingly confusing and intense. I'm going with it and embracing it... because I was made for this. I'm going to continue to worship, to embrace, to believe, to love with all my heart, to thank God for His grace and thankfulness.... because I want to do so. I long to seek His face... My goal, my focus, my life, my everything are all centered on God...