One of the most surprising parts of my job has been the free time I get once or twice a week to read while the group is doing self-led activities. Going through my reading list of Christian non fiction and spending more quality time with the Bible... I am learning more than I can comprehend. My viewpoints are being tested, my understanding deepened, my knowledge expanded... and I love it because our minds were meant to be tested and purified and stretched.

I recently finished a book called They Shall Expel Demons. I had been reading it for awhile, slowly chewing on the information chapter by chapter... and to be honest, I may have to read it two more times just to get a grasp on the material. Some of the author's ideas are extra-biblical and have been dismissed in my mind... but most of his statements are well supported with scripture. While the book is largely about spiritual warfare and demons, what I have been contemplating since reading it has less to do with the demonic and more to do with reformed doctrinal beliefs.

While I still consider myself reformed in theology (see this article for an explanation of the basics of reformed theology), I struggle with some of the tenets of the distinctive five points of reformed theology as based on the teachings of Calvin. TULIP- total depravity of man, unconditional election, limited atonement, irresistible grace, and preservation of saints. I could write multiple blogs on things that I do not understand, but I believe so strongly in the sovereignty of God that nothing makes sense but the reformed explanations.

Of the five points, the P tends to be the most difficult one for me. Growing up my mom was perhaps the strongest influence in my spiritual formation. She led me to Christ, she taught me to pray, she told me of how Jesus and His angels had visited and protected her... and now, I look into her eyes, I look at her life and I see a lost soul. There is no way that she knows God. Reformed tenets tell me that she either never did or she will repent and turn back to Him because the saints always persevere. I pray that the latter is true, but I still have my doubts...

One passage of that book read: "In 1 Timothy 4:1 Paul's warning is urgent: "Now the Spirit expressly says that in latter times some will depart from the faith, giving heed to deceiving spirits and doctrines of demons". Paul speaks here about people who, through yielding to the influence of demons, "depart from the faith". Obviously they could not depart from the faith unless they had been in the faith. As Christians they had apparently opened themselves up to deceiving spirits and consequently turned away from their faith in Christ" (p 148-149). In other scriptures, the Bible talks about holding brothers- as in fellow believers- accountable so that they will not sin or fall away. Why does the Bible describe them as being in the faith, as brothers if they are not truly God's people? And, if they are truly of the faith how can they fall away if the saints persevere?

I'm caught in semantics, but with the Bible wording is so important. What is a saint? Paraphrasing my Bible dictionary, a saint is one of God's people who is being made holy, continually rejoicing in God, continually praying, continually working for God... it has an ongoing connotation, one indicating a process of sanctification, of being refined to be more holy...

What about those who turn away? Those who seemed to have a real encounter with God and then fall back to sin and into deception. Those who will cry "Lord, Lord", and Jesus will respond "I don't know you". Who determines the sheep and the goats, and can a sheep become a goat? Can you begin the process of becoming holy and then fall off the track?

Firmly believing that salvation is a process, I believe that you can fall off track mid course, but I don't believe that true sheep can become goats. Professing faith does not been that you have crossed the point of no return- it is a continual day by day choice. If each day, you commit fully to God... I believe that you will persevere. I think there comes a point where you cannot deny God and you will never turn from Him because you have seen His glory and you know that nothing else can compare. I don't believe that God will let go of His children... though I have seen so many people fall away. People who seem legit, and it breaks my heart. Part of me believes that they will come back because God will not let them go, but part of me remains confused and frustrated.... who is responsible for the falling away of those who seemingly begin, but quit the race? The person who fails to continue or God who allows them to give up? My reformed mind tells me that people who fall away permanently were never destined to continue. If they were never meant to continue, why would God reveal himself to them- give them a glimpse of His glory knowing that they will turn away? The Bible definitely says that some professing believers will turn away... so they either lied completely or began the race and failed to finish. So many questions are racing through my mind especially since this theological doctrine is extremely close to my heart...

Nothing I find in scripture fully answers my questions, and there is nothing to refute the perseverance of saints tenet in scripture that cannot be explained through its context. I guess this is another topic area where I am humbled by knowing that God is God, and I am not. I do not have the capacity to understand, but I long to be wiser and more knowledgeable... so I am praying for truth and revelation... but until then, I'll continue to chew on it...