"Does anyone out there feel alone
Can anyone hear me
Down and out, your heart is cold
It's never easy
But if you believe that there is hope
Than sing it with me"

Despite the fact that in my heart I know that I have amazing friends- with my best friend being my God. However, as my eighteenth year comes to a close and my nineteenth is about to begin next week... I cannot help but question that concept. I feel as if this is going to be another Proof birthday. Hmm... what do I mean by that? Well, Proof is by far one of my favorite movies and it strikes a cord with my heart. There is a scene in the beginning of the movie where the main character is sitting alone and her father is asking why she isn't out celebrating her birthday... He says" I hope you're not spending your birthday alone... Aren't your friends taking you out?" And she response, "Nope... For your friends to take you out, you have to have friends. Funny how that works." Soo... last year I was promised a decent birthday outing from a friend and she bailed out on me despite it being her idea. Every other year, it has been quiet with family or without much due to my own request. This year, I'm keeping the I'm not planning anything stance... and despite the fact that some people have mentioned the possibility of doing something- I think it will be another proof year.

I'm really struggling with the concept of friendship. Despite the optirealist approach I take to life, I cannot grasp the idea of solid, non-ulterior motive friendship. I don't necessarily know what it looks like and I don't do well with responding to it. Over all, I just kinda want some closure... knowing that there are people who choose to be there for me. People who have no obligation, no blood ties, no products of circumstance.... who I can trust and who genuinely care about me. This is a rather selfish concept, but I'm human and comrades are necessary. I have issues believing that this time of friendship exists.... yet I also have people who are confusing me to no end because they may fit the profile of friendship that I do not understand. It's a fun paradox.

Overall, I come back to the same point over and over again. I don't need to depend on people or to lean on people. Friendship is not a necessity in life. It is a gift that God gave us so that we wouldn't be alone through our processes of growth and maturity... He gave us friends so that we felt earthly companionship while we await our journey home to Him. After all He is our best friend always- He created us, He provides for us, He died for us, He has shown us the sacrificial love that comes with the ultimate friendship- being in a personal relationship with God. So yeah, I do have a friend like that! We all do.

I just kinda need to fill in the sketchy gaps of the concept of earthly friendship.. because if earthly friendship is based on godly perspective... it can be incredible. So right now what I need from my friends is this:

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend."