"You and I were made to worship
You and I are called to love
You and I are forgiven and free
When you and I embrace surrender
When you and I choose to believe
Then you and I will see who we were meant to be"

It all makes sense. We were made to worship and serve God... not because that is what we should do because that is why He created us, but because God is amazingly faithful to us and we should give Him all glory and praise.

We are called to love. Jesus told us to love the Lord our God above all things and to love our neighbors as ourselves. His mission was to reconcile a fallen people with their heavenly Father while spreading the love of heaven on Earth. Following in His footsteps we should do the same.

We are forgiven. We are free. Our bindings to the physical world and the power of sin were broken on the cross and we have the capacity to serve God in the fullest.

When we embrace surrender, when we choose to believe.... God is beyond powerful in our lives. When we put ourselves- all of ourselves- at the foot of His throne, he shows us amazing things. When we put everything into His hands and trust Him... we can truly see who we were meant to be.

I realize all of this. I embrace surrender. I believe.... and I am quickly beginning to see who I was meant to be. It is becoming clear, yet increasingly confusing and intense. I'm going with it and embracing it... because I was made for this. I'm going to continue to worship, to embrace, to believe, to love with all my heart, to thank God for His grace and thankfulness.... because I want to do so. I long to seek His face... My goal, my focus, my life, my everything are all centered on God...

" I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been."

I have been thinking about the value of a year, a month, a week.... thinking about how much I have changed over time. Just earlier this year, I was as fake as fake could be. I was rebelling against people and treating people like total crap. I argued things that I did not believe in, I told stories that were not my own, I lied whether possible... just to keep people from getting to know me. I wanted people to hate me because it was easier that way. Then, around fall break, I decided to drop that and attempt to be myself and to be true... however, I just became defensive. My defense mechanism is revealing to you whatever you ask of me as to appear open and collected.. and then putting up solid walls anytime you touch upon something that is guarded in my heart. Then, my heart softened and times change.. and I am 100% back to being Kera... and I am definitely a new and improved version.

However, there are incidents and conversations and first impressions that I can never take back and I wish I could like no other. Who I am definitely hates who I was and where I was going... For all those who got to see a side of me that I do not like and that really doesn't exist... I'm extremely sorry. I would take it back if I could and be genuine from the beginning. Since I can't do that .. .

I am going to say this again:

"I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been."

Well, once again God is great... I can't explain this one because its not mine to explain... but to a friend that is in my thoughts and prayers right now:

"I see a side of you my friend
the same struggles that I have
my heart goes out to you
I know its hard to feel alone
and this world's so unforgiving
I've been feeling that way too
but I can tell you

Is that you?
Is this me
It's sometimes hard to believe that
I am not alone

its not just you
and not just me
we all need to believe that
we are not alone"

It's okay.. new beginnings are good... go with it. You are not alone.


Personal side of this note: I can sense the difference and the calling.... sooner than I thought. Clearer than I thought. A little direction would be nice, but I don't need it because I trust the One paving the way for me... still incredible.

" Looking for something I've never seen
Alone and I'm in between
The place that I'm from and the place that I'm in"

So the Fray's song Trust Me is somewhat applicable to my life right now...

I'm learning to trust God full heartedly even when it doesn't feel right on a rational or emotional level. In the last few weeks I have had to make some of the most difficult decisions I have faced in awhile, and while not all of them make sense to me.... while I know that they are the right paths for me. I have issues articulating why because it is above and beyond me. I'm slightly confused, but things are so clear as to what I need to do.

" You need me less than I need you"

I'm just afraid of losing friendships and opportunities along the way. I mean it is nice to say that doors will open, but it is a bit harsher to see a few doors that I'd love to see open begin to creep shut in front of my eyes. It's difficult to explain why you are doing something that you don't necessarily want to do.... but my priorities and my trust lie in one place.. so I'm following my heart- praying that the Spirit is guiding it where it needs to go.

"Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me! "

One of my favorite Bible verses.... Matthew 7:7... also the concept is repeated in Luke 11:9. It has had great impact on my life- even more so recently, and being that it was just referenced in the XA newsletter.... I feel the need to comment on it a bit.

The basic point = Ask and you shall receive; seek and you shall find; knock and it will opened to you. The concept is that if you desire, God will fulfill. The misconception is that God will fulfill our every desire. The problem is that not all desires are godly, not all questions are deserving of answers, all who seek are not looking for the right things or for the right reasons, and we don't always knock on the right door. The second concept in this passage, in my personal opinion, is the idea that if you put your trust in God- if your heart is truly focused on Him and His will when you ask, seek, and knock.. He will provide because He is faithful.

I was asking and seeking and knocking for quite awhile. The frustration of not receiving, finding, and seeing doors open was actually leading me away from God. Instead of focusing my heart on His will... I was focusing my heart on the material manifestations and/or the instant gratification that I wanted to see. I was not trusting God to provide for me. I mean I accepted that everything happened for a reason and that God knew best, but I wasn't happy with it.. I wasn't necessarily submitting or obeying or anything like that. I was just frustrated with the lack of result. My approach was"The Bible says if I ask, I'll receive. Well, God I'm asking... when will the receiving begin?"

My heart was in the wrong place. If I would have opened my eyes and my ears to the Lord, I would have seen that He was providing me with exactly what I needed throughout my life. He was opening doors, but instead of running through them... I was standing at the edge and He was shoving me through as I was kicking and screaming in resistance. Now, I stand corrected. Now, I understand... but I only have that clarity because I focused my heart on God and His will.

My simple prayer was "God show me things as they are, not as I want them to be or I was taught that they were..... Show me Your will, draw me closer to You... on Your terms not mine". That was it. A simple prayer. Asking for reality, for relationship, and for God's will to unfold. When my heart changed focus.... the meaning of my favorite passage did as well.

I asked... I received answers. I have sought, and I have found. I have knocked, and the doors have opened.. and this has been occurring my entire life. I just now realize it. Now that I ask, seek, and knock focusing on God... things are different and I can only smile in response to the results.

So keep on asking, seeking, and knocking.... God is listening. He is faithful and He will provide... but He responses based on His will -fore He knows all and we know nothing- when you think the answers, findings, and doors aren't there. You are looking in the wrong places for the wrong things.... because God will provide all that you need....

He has for me. He has shown me even in times where I was looking away from Him and seeking earthly gratification rather than a relationship with Him and spiritual growth. I am extremely grateful for His faithfulness.

"Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside! "

"Does anyone out there feel alone
Can anyone hear me
Down and out, your heart is cold
It's never easy
But if you believe that there is hope
Than sing it with me"

Despite the fact that in my heart I know that I have amazing friends- with my best friend being my God. However, as my eighteenth year comes to a close and my nineteenth is about to begin next week... I cannot help but question that concept. I feel as if this is going to be another Proof birthday. Hmm... what do I mean by that? Well, Proof is by far one of my favorite movies and it strikes a cord with my heart. There is a scene in the beginning of the movie where the main character is sitting alone and her father is asking why she isn't out celebrating her birthday... He says" I hope you're not spending your birthday alone... Aren't your friends taking you out?" And she response, "Nope... For your friends to take you out, you have to have friends. Funny how that works." Soo... last year I was promised a decent birthday outing from a friend and she bailed out on me despite it being her idea. Every other year, it has been quiet with family or without much due to my own request. This year, I'm keeping the I'm not planning anything stance... and despite the fact that some people have mentioned the possibility of doing something- I think it will be another proof year.

I'm really struggling with the concept of friendship. Despite the optirealist approach I take to life, I cannot grasp the idea of solid, non-ulterior motive friendship. I don't necessarily know what it looks like and I don't do well with responding to it. Over all, I just kinda want some closure... knowing that there are people who choose to be there for me. People who have no obligation, no blood ties, no products of circumstance.... who I can trust and who genuinely care about me. This is a rather selfish concept, but I'm human and comrades are necessary. I have issues believing that this time of friendship exists.... yet I also have people who are confusing me to no end because they may fit the profile of friendship that I do not understand. It's a fun paradox.

Overall, I come back to the same point over and over again. I don't need to depend on people or to lean on people. Friendship is not a necessity in life. It is a gift that God gave us so that we wouldn't be alone through our processes of growth and maturity... He gave us friends so that we felt earthly companionship while we await our journey home to Him. After all He is our best friend always- He created us, He provides for us, He died for us, He has shown us the sacrificial love that comes with the ultimate friendship- being in a personal relationship with God. So yeah, I do have a friend like that! We all do.

I just kinda need to fill in the sketchy gaps of the concept of earthly friendship.. because if earthly friendship is based on godly perspective... it can be incredible. So right now what I need from my friends is this:

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend."

"And now I'm sunny with a High of 75
Since You took my heavy heart
And made it light

And its funny how you find
You enjoy your life
When you're happy to be alive"

I'm back home. Home as in Washington, D.C. ... I love this campus and this city more and more each day. I am still smiling and extremely happy with my life! All I need is a job, and I'll be set.

Right now, my concerns are minimal and my joys are great. No further comments. =]

"In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness "

So, I must put this in writing to the best of my ability - which is not going to even come remotely close to doing it justice so I'm going to bullet the facts. My life has been transformed. So SALT summary:

Day 1: I realized that tongues existed. Knew that the three days were about to rock my world and change my life. Prayed to see things as they are, not as I want them to be and not as I was taught to think they should be.

Day 2: Was specifically given the message that politics is not my calling. Counseling- in what capacity I do not know- is my calling. Nuclear Impact= my passions, my gifts, my calling= helping others. I learned the power of prayer. Heard of miracles. Had someone pray for me and then reveal to me how I am like Hannah - and I feel he is right. Things cleared up, internal struggle ensued. Prayed that God would reveal truth on his terms, not mine. I learned about prophesy. Had group prophesy over me. Fence, wall, television= freedom, clarity. Amazing. Brought in new year with prayer. Heard things inside my head from my heart which were directly from God. Tried to resist, but desired to know more. Clarity meant a new level of relationship with Him and He was revealing things to me. Once again, amazing.

Day 3: Learned how to share testimony. Learned all about the Holy Spirit. Incredible sense of clarity- internal struggle not to resist continued- but desire for God was soo strong. Recommitted my life to my Lord. Became fully grateful for my life and everything that has happened during it. Was released of fear, confusion, and feeling of suffering. Was Baptized in the Holy Spirit. Won't go into detail, but wow. Had someone prophesy over my life, reveal my inner thoughts, affirm what God revealed to me, confirm my vague purpose and gifts in life... was left speechless. Continued to strengthen my relationship with God.

Day 4 and continuing: Still smiling. Life was changed forever. God is great!

" I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered"