To be honest, this week has been a rough one for me. I've found myself in tears a few times.  Again, I'm not sad or depressed or upset.... I just feel a little caged. Like a bird staring through iron bars, I have this desire to fly, but cannot seem to figure out how to open the latch so that I can go free.

Not sure whose tattoo this is, but I love it.

As I was pondering the open skies, I came across a Desiring God post regarding types freedom, and this reflection stuck with me.

And if you have the desire to do something, and the ability to do it, and the opportunity to do it, but it destroys you in the end, you are not fully free—not free indeed.

It's Easter. I've heard the story dozens of times, but today there is a verse of scripture haunting me like it never has before.

 ^"He asked her, “Woman, why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?" - John 20:15

 Today was a fantastic day. I have an amazing friend visiting from overseas, I have amazing roommates, we had an amazing time feeding forty college students dinner... and most importantly, we celebrated the amazing resurrection of an awesome God. Perfect day.

Except... today has involved a bit of crying. I cried this morning at church, I cried after talking to my family, I cried listening to my roommate sing a song about today, and I just cried after everyone went to bed. They aren't tears of sadness or tears of joy; they're just tears.

And, all day, I believe that God has been asking me "woman, why are you crying? who is it you are looking for?".  Good question. One that I could not sufficiently answer.

As I pondered that question, I was reminded of how Mary responded. She was looking for her Lord. He seemed dead and distant from her. He had both relationally and physically disappeared from her life. Not only was Jesus dead, but his body wasn't even in sight. If she knew where he was, she would have went after Him, but the situation seemed hopeless because she had no direction.

Here was Jesus, posing the question. "Why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?". He was right in front of her, yet she did not recognize Him until He called her name. It is interesting to note that He didn't call her name until she stated why she was downcast and expressed a desire to find Him.

The Lord is asking, "Woman, why are you crying?". And, I am reminded who it is that I am looking for and who it is that I serve. If He is Risen, and He has Risen indeed, why am I crying?

Often times, I think we live life perpetually through the eyes of Mary at the beginning of the day. I find myself weeping because my Lord is not here, weeping because they persecuted Him, weeping because I don't understand how God will be glorified through dismal circumstances, weeping because I know that Jesus died with me in mind. and I have no idea of where to find Him.  We have a tendency to leave Jesus crucified and buried and seemingly missing from our present circumstances.

The Good News is that Jesus isn't in the tomb. He isn't missing. He is risen! He rose from the grave, He ascended into heaven, and He will come again. The Good News is that He is the first fruits of new life, and that the Spirit that rose Christ from the dead lives in each who believe in Him. He is alive and everything is possible through Him; we do not have to weep because He is here with us, gently calling our name like He called Mary's on that morning.

Which brings me back to the question: "Why am I crying?" I have tunnel vision. I'm too focused on the cross and  consequently I'm missing Jesus standing right in front of me. I leave Christ buried while sobbing to find Him.  The truth is that even in the most dismal and confusing of circumstances, He is Risen and is right here.  He is already speaking even in moments when I do not recognize His voice, and if I continue to look for Him with intention, He will continue to call my name. 

He is risen. He is Risen indeed. Alleluia.

I hate manuscripts. I don't speak well from them. They make me nervous. They draw out my speech impediments and my accent, and they hinder my ability to recall information because of my semi-photographic memory. I would much rather speak on the fly or from a brief outline than write out all of my thoughts. In fact, I am generally very adamant that I cannot and will not speak if I have to script out my words.

With that in mind, last night I spoke at our worship service. My message was on Romans 7, and as I shared my thoughts on why our attempt at perfectionism is a futile endeavor, the stand in front of me held both my standard outline and script of a thirty minute message. I would love to tell you that I spoke mainly from the outline, extemporaneously, animated, and in typical Kera fashion.

The truth is I didn't. I didn't read it verbatim, but I used the manuscript. I stumbled at places, my accent was thicker than normal, and quite frankly, it wasn't up to par with my public speaking capabilities because I didn't speak in Kera style.... 

However, I do think I shared what I was supposed to say, used the examples I was supposed to use, and asked the questions I was supposed to ask. I have a peace about last night which is more than I can say about the last time I spoke. After hours upon hours of tackling a difficult passage in study and prayer, I knew I had to script it out more like an essay of understanding and revelation than a verbal sharing of insight and teaching from experience. 

I can easily become prideful when it comes to my communication ability, but last night I was humbled. Not because I failed to stay true to my style, but because I finally realized that my life has little to do with me. It's all about sharing the message given to me and alive within me. Sometimes that will mean praying about how to articulate it and writing it out, sometimes it will mean speaking on the fly as the words come to mind.... regardless, it isn't about me or my style or my message. It's all about God and what He wants to say through me. 

I must confess that I normally am a bit judgmental of those who speak or preach from a manuscript. I have always seen it as a lesser form of public speaking, and because I can throw together an impromptu speech with confidence, I have always seen myself a bit above those who cannot do so. Last night, I gained some respect for those who use manuscripts and was reminded that the style isn't as important as the willingness to share. 

I don't think that manuscripts will be making regular appearances in my life, simply because I am a better speaker semi-extemporaneously than I am scripted.  Even so, I know that I will think twice before making generalizations about what I will or will not do and before judging those who are stylistically different then me. It isn't about what we do or how we do it; it's about why we do it and who we do it for...

I'm grateful that God uses me, whether in my element or not, whether at my best or at my worst... if I'm willing, He'll use me somehow for His glory. And, I'm continually reminded that this life I live has very little to do with me. 

Most of my day consisted of reading Gadamer's take on philosophical hermeneutics, which I oddly kind of enjoy.  I am particularly challenged by a passage explaining a bit of what it means to understand the Gospel. Before I share the quote, here is a short snippet of Gadamer's hermeneutics.

Classic romantic hermeneutics viewed understanding, interpretation, and application as three separate processes. Gadamer, however, concludes that understanding is always interpretation. Furthermore, understanding and interpretation are always combined with application to form one unified process. While every individual approaches the process of understanding with their own presuppositions or prejudices, understanding is not the process of validating those presuppositions by finding a methodology that allows for an examination of the text or artwork or event that supports our preconceived notions. "On the contrary, the interpreter risks his own position to place [his presuppositions] in the light of the governing claim of the text" (Palmer on Gadamer in Hermenutics, 188)  This process of understanding actually alters our horizon as we interact with the text because it causes a fusion of horizons where the individual's perspective meets the perspective of the text.The individual's process of understanding is an event and must be viewed as such, which necessitates that "Understanding always include application to the present" (Palmer, 191)

"[Hermeneutics recognizes] application as an integral element of all understanding. In both legal and theological hermeneutics there is an essential tension between the fixed text- the law or the gospel- on the one hand and, on the other, the sense arrived at by applying it at the concrete moment of interpretation, either in judgment or in preaching. A law does not exist in order to be understood historically, but to be concertized in its legal validity by being interpreted. Similarly, the gospel does not exist in order to be understood as a merely historical document, but to be taken in such a way that it exercises its saving effect. This implies that the text, whether law or gospel, if it is to be understood properly-i.e. according to the claim it makes- must be understood at every moment, in every concrete situation, in a new and different way. Understanding here is always application." - Gadamer, Truth and Method, (307-308).

This paragraph is convicting because it causes me question how well I actually understand the Gospel. Do I apply it in every moment, in every situation, in creative and appropriate ways? Do I always apply the Gospel to my thoughts, words, actions- to everything that comprises my own horizon? No, I can't honestly say that I do, but I pray that some day I will.  Thankfully, as another one of our readings reminded us, the Holy Spirit plays a crucial role in understanding the Gospel. It's humbling to know that I don't fully understand the Gospel, but encouraging to know that I have the Helper to guide me as I continue this process of understanding the Word of God. 

I hate quitting, yet I find that often times I need to in order to continue to move forward. Here are two things that I decided to quit since the last time I blogged.

1. Daniel fasting for Lent... no really. I love the idea of fasting, but I do not think this particular fast is serving its purposes. I have been sick most days since starting it, and I think my body is starting to breakdown my muscles because it is not getting the essential complete proteins. My goal is not to develop a dependency on supplements to eat according to a fad fast, but rather to begin a healthier lifestyle. Instead of this particular fast, here are some new goals: fast one day a week, get to the gym to workout at least three days a week, drink more water, spend less money eating out, and begin watching my caloric intake and being aware of what nutrients I am getting from my food choices. The Daniel Fast was a great detox, but I think the 10 day program is plenty to achieve that effect... and it is in my experience that a water/juice fast works better. 
2. My part-time job.... I have needed the supplemental income- and if I am honest I still do, but I cannot handle the stress and time commitment right now. I was planning on quitting in May, but when I looked at my calendar, I realized that I cannot be faithful to all of my commitments while attempting to double my support in the next two months. In order to work towards being fully funded next year, I am going to need to give up the security of having the money to cover things in exchange for the time that I need to really revisit the support raising process.

God is moving on this campus and in my own life, and I have been slightly reluctant to dive into what He is doing. I need to be fully centered in Him and fully willing to obey His word and His will. So, here's to a fresh commitment to be all in... [there will be future posts regarding this soon].  If you could keep me in your prayers through these transitions, I would greatly appreciate it.

 One of things I miss most about being in a more traditional church is the liturgical calendar. As you probably already know because of the increased percentage of dirty foreheads,  today is Ash Wednesday. Today, we remind ourselves that this life will end with a return to dust (Gen 3:19).... and we begin forty days of prayer, reflection, and preparation in anticipation of the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

Today is the beginning of a journey toward the cross of Christ. 24-7 Prayer is doing a five minute daily devotional for each day of Lent. Today's better explains Ash Wednesday and challenges us to take steps toward growing closer to Jesus. Check out the first video below...

For many, today also begins forty days of preparing our hearts through fasting. What does abstaining from Coke or Facebook accomplish? Abstaining from something we value creates an opportunity for us to draw closer to God. I don't need caffeine for energy; I need to be refreshed by the Holy Spirit. I don't need a social network to give my life value; I need to see myself as a daughter of God and a co-heir with Christ. You see, fasting isn't for God. Fasting is for us, it refocuses our hearts on how God is in our lives. During Lent, we focus specifically on what Jesus sacrificed so that we may have life with Him.

Growing up, I fasted  during Lent because it was expected of me and because it was the religious thing to do. I spend years missing the point, didn't I? This year though, I am looking forward to fasting because I want to refocus on God. I'll be doing a modified Daniel fast during Lent. I'll post the details as a comment, because my intention of this post isn't to draw attention to my own fasting goals.

I'm writing to invite you to journey with me. Will you set aside forty days to consider what Jesus' life, death, and resurrection means for your life? Will you consider checking out the daily devotional videos? Or perhaps setting aside ten minutes of Facebook time to pray? Or maybe even reading through the Gospel of Luke- whether it's for the hundredth or the first time? Would you consider devoting some  aspect of your life toward discovering more of who Jesus is during the next several weeks?

My prayer is that you will join me and thousands of Christians around the world in observing Lent this year. And, if you do, let me know.... you can even leave a comment below if you want. Just let me know that you are journeying with me, even if you aren't comfortable sharing how.  I want to pray with you through the next few weeks. And, I ask that you pray for me as well. Let's walk beyond the dust and towards the cross together...

I have read quite a few books that present themselves as life changing discussions about the afterlife, and generally I am disappointed with their contents. Andy Stanley's Since Nobody's Perfect, How Good is Good Enough? is a refreshing alternative to all the extended tract type books out there. Instead of opening with a "this is why you need to begin your walk with Jesus" mentality, Stanley invites the reader into a friendly 94 page dialogue about life and what may follow it.

The conversation centers around one important question: "Do good people go to heaven? If so, how good is good enough?". The first portion of the book is reveals that much of the world believes that living a good life is enough to get into heaven. Every religion seems to think that good deeds lead to a better afterlife (or next life). Is this a logical conclusion? If good is subjective, how can it be the standard for entrance to a pleasant afterlife? And, if a good lifestyle is the key to heaven, why hasn't God give us clear cut moral guidelines to get there? Stanley reveals that that Jesus offers a different perspective. Through the story of the thieves of the cross as recorded in Luke 23, the reader discovers that Jesus actually invites bad people to join Him in paradise (57).

The second half of the book further explores why Jesus' alternative makes more sense than trying to be good enough on our own. My favorite passage of the book is Stanley's attempt to address how it can be fair for a just and loving God to create a system where some good people may not get into heaven.

"Christianity is the fairest possible system in a world that is irreversibly unfair. As we will see, it is certainly more fair that a system predicated upon adhering to a list of rules that we can't find, created by a God who hasn't had the courtesy to explain the system. But before we broach the question of "Is Christianity fair?" we need to look at the assumption that fuels the fairness debate.... [if] you conclude that Jesus could not have been telling the truth because what he says is unfair, then you are using fairness as a test for truth.

For most people, choosing a religion is like choosing a flavor of ice cream- we pick what we like, what we are comfortable with, what suits our taste. That's understandable, but it's not very smart. The issue is not What do I like? or How was I raised? or What makes me comfortable? The issue is What is true?

I find that people don't like to be backed into a corner and forced to discuss religion in terms of true versus false. Again, understandable. But once you decide that people live forever somewhere, you are staking your eternity on what you choose to believe is true."(77-79)

Stanley is aware that the topic he is addressing is both uncomfortable and of eternal importance, and humbly invites us to consider it with him. For a short book, I think that he did an excellent job of challenging both non-Christians and Christians alike to consider what we think about heaven and how people get there.

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Because I love blogging and I love books, I am giving "blogging for books" a try.  I received this book for free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for this review.