"I will always hide at my Savior’s side
I find my refuge in His sovereign care
When the waters rise, God will hear my cries
His steadfast love will hold me safely there"


Needless to say... I freaked out a bit with the post last night... but alas, God's grace is bigger than my spastic personality.

(I'll finish updating this later)

There are some days when your past comes back to bite you in the ass. This is one of those days. After sleeping literally all day and realizing that my mood is beyond depressive... almost to the point where it hurts to crack a smile... I'm wondering if the cycle ever stops. I do well at something, I jack it up, I work to save my ass again... and then I change my mind and move on to something else... and the process repeats. I have great experiences and relationships along the way... but they fade like sand sifting through one's hand... and when the time to flee comes, I'll spread my fingers and let it all pass away.

" and I don't understand
why I sleep all day
and I start to complain
that theres no rain"

The thought of reconciling who I am , who I've been, who I want to be, and who I may become scares the living hell out of me. I crack a smile, I talk with people, and I'll even discuss the bullshit factors of my life that seem to be ailing me... yet inside I am self destructing. I am both figuratively and literally making myself sick and destroying everything that could be in the process. My mind is going nowhere as my grades crash, my body is becoming continually less stable, my time is being spent doing absolutely nothing productive, and I'm fighting to hang on to the notion that I may have some meaningful relationships with people in my life.... when really... I have no clue what tomorrow will bring and who will be willing to stand with me if I fall...

So, when you ask how I am.. I'll say okay or maybe I will answer stressed or something.. and it is an honest answer... and as I am typing this I am honestly fine. Just fine, but you know what... I am tired of fine... fine isn't good enough. I was not created to be fine... to be okay.... I was created to do something, to be someone... not to be fine.. not to spend my days wondering how to get to tomorrow and doing nothing in the meanwhile...

I am not happy being fine.. .I'm not happy being here... I'm not happy with this life.

Tonight, someone reminded me of who I am. Of who I am capable of being.. both the good and the bad... and you know what, I am not being that person now. I don't know who I am, but being a lazy, under motivated person with no ambitions is not it. I'm not proud of this...

So, starting tomorrow.... fine is not good enough any more.

2 a.m. In the streets of the nation's capitol. 2 a.m. and thousands are dancing and signing and shouting in the streets. It is the sound of hope... Strangers embracing each other in passing... cheering for the future... celebrating with joy... change. The drums beat, the crowds chant, but the White House has no response as thousands gather in front of it in the name of change.

I have never seen anything like it, and I'm not sure that I ever will again. I called Obama's win years ago, and I am definitely celebrating his victory... and I was all over the celebration in the streets... but I must admit that I am a bit disheartened...

Why do we only take to the streets in celebration on occasions like this? Millions united for Obama, so why don't millions rally around other causes. Spending millions of dollars on those in need around the world. I saw hope this week in unity...

Now if only we had that kind of joy and hope and unity when it really matters....

"Looking for something I've never seen
Alone and I'm in between
The place that I'm from and
The place that I'm in"

One of the HA kids labeled this Fray song.. the song for us in this season. While I haven't talked with him since the last day of the scholarship conference almost two years ago, I was reminded of this song today.... and I assure you that he was right. This is a song for me in this season.

I'm looking for something I've never seen and it's hard to find because I have no clue what I'm looking for... The picture painted for me looks a little like this: serve God, serve people, become a mouthpiece of the Gospel, go into the world, get your hands dirty, challenge academia, challenge government, rise up and make a difference, use your story to inspire others, understand the misunderstood, love the unlovable, empower future generations of servant leaders, be a light in the darkest of places...

It's everything I've always known crashing against a mound of uncertainty... and over the other side lies a narrow way that was surveyed for me long before I was born. Some of the trail ahead is unpaved and treacherous terrain, and some of it is clearly mapped and marked. I know that there is a way ahead and a guide to take me there, but right now, I feel like I am bushwhacking...

And my water supply is running low and I know longer can identify which way is down mountain and which way is up.. and even if I could, I'm not sure in which direction I would go. I can no longer rely on my own navigation. So, what do I do? I dig a hole in the middle of the wilderness and I stay put. I do not expect or accept help... I whine and think and try to derive a better plan of attack. Though, I am only attacking myself.

I'm running dry... this is the season of the desert, and I think I put myself there because I enjoy drawing lines in the sand. It's almost as if I want to be lost. As if, I want the direction to be hidden from my sight. Even if someone is leading me by the hand, I'm going nowhere quickly because I'm sitting down refusing to move forward. Searching for distractions, for excuses...

You can lead a deer to water, but you can't make him drink. Well, the water is there, and I've tasted it before... so I know I'm a deer and I'm capable of jumping to new heights... but I'm standing at the stream, refusing to drink.... turning my head and denying myself the fuel I need to take that leap of faith.

The question in my mind is "Why won't you drink? I've lead you this far and we have so much further to go... go ahead approach the stream and get the strength you need for the next part of the climb". Like Paul in Romans 7, I am disappointed with the things that I do because they are the things that I do not want to do. The things I want to do, I don't do because I don't believe that I am capable of doing them.

I want to be the reflection of God's glory in this world, but the still small voice inside my head says "Kera, if you cannot stand to look at your own reflection in the mirror.. how do you expect others to see the same image as Christ living within you?"

The question comes back to the corny Disney movie line... "When will my Reflection show who I am inside?"...

Because if it doesn't, to get back to some better music comparisons...

"I'll try to get out but I never will
Traffic is perfectly still"

After an extended hiatus from blogging, journaling and writing in general, I think it is finally time to revive this blog. My mind is racing at the speed of light, yet my processing is slower than a slug crawling through a vat of salt. Weird analogy, I know, but that is kinda where I am right now. Neither concise nor comprehensible, I am rather scatter-brained at the moment. Consequently I do not expect my entries to be the greatest writing specimens I have ever produced, but I do think that I need to force myself to start writing again in order to ask myself honest question and to provide honest answers. Processing in my mind alone is not fruitful. Perhaps spewing my guts onto the computer screen will once again prove to be somewhat helpful.

" This is home
Now I'm finally
Where I belong
Where I belong
Yeah, this is home
I've been searching
For a place of my own
Now I've found it
Maybe this is home
Yeah, this is home"

Tears are a rare commodity for me, yet I have this strange feeling that there will be an over abundance of them when I leave this place. Jokingly I have always said that home is where ever I am at the moment, but I have never truly known the feeling of home being the place where people love and care for you. My housemates have grown into my family, and they have shown me love beyond measure. The mere thought of leaving some of them behind causes tears to well up in my eyes.

In a less than serious tone of voice, a few of my friends here keep asserting that I am going to eventually transfer to their university. While it is just a reoccurring comic aside, part of me wishes that I actually could transfer here to remain with them amongst these beautiful mountains. It would be so much easier to stay than it will be to go. Despite the longings of my heart, I know that I must return to the District.

It's more than bittersweet. To be honest, part of me is slightly irritated that I finally found authentic friends only to have to leave them a short time later. It is not often that I feel comfortable enough to trust people, but I would trust some people here with every ounce and every detail of my life. I'm not sure that I have ever been this attached to a group of people before... but alas, the detachment will begin a few short weeks from now. While I know that I will not allow myself to forget or to lose contact with some of my friends here, I also know that things will never be the same way. This group will never be fully together again, and the individuals that I have grown to love will never be as close to me as they are in this moment. Friendships are truly tested by distance, and I'm not sure how sturdy they can be when the distance is great and the encounters are few and far between. It breaks my heart to even think about losing my new found family...

The thought of leaving scares me, but the fact that I actually entertained the thought of staying is even more frightening. I find myself allowing doubts to slowly creep into my mind. Are my friendships here created out of obligations? If I did stay would I still have meaningful relationships with them? Is what I am feeling mutual or will I disappear from their minds the second I disappear from their sight? I shall never know the answers. The questions haunt me, but their shadows cannot pierce my heart because I know differently.

Dr. Seuss once said " don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened". I am both crying and smiling as I am writing this. I am extremely grateful for this summer and the people that have come into my life. Even if these are my last moments in fellowship with them, I would not trade this experience for the world. I am a better person for being here and for knowing the people sharing this time with me. Even if this all fades into the abyss, I am forever changed. Now I know without a doubt that my home is in heaven and my family is the body of Christ.

" And now after all
My searching
After all my questions
I'm gonna call it home
I got a brand new mindset
I can finally see
The sunset
I'm gonna call it home"