Window (4): Scripture- כבשים

Or more accurately titled: “why there is now a tattoo of a Hebrew word for sheep on my right wrist.” Everyone keeps asking me why I got the tattoo, and I promised an elegant explanation on my blog.  While this may not be as elegant as I had hoped, here is an explanation.

The imagery behind the word “sheep” in scripture really captivated me. It started when a mentor of mine prophesied the verse Luke 12:32 over my life: “Do not worry little flock, your father has gladly chosen to give you the Kingdom.”

Fittingly enough this verse in scripture and the use of the sheep imagery have been windows to my soul: I found myself wrestling with the question of what it meant to be a part of God’s flock. Why shouldn’t I worry? What does it mean that I am given the Kingdom? If the word is plural, does this apply to me personally or the body of Christ collectively or both?

How does this sentiment relate to the parable of the lost sheep? Does God search for every lost lamb knowing that it would please Him to give each of the flock his Kingdom? Does God chase after the lost lambs wanting to give them a relationship with the Shepherd, guidance, provision, and so forth? Doesn’t given the Kingdom also mean authority especially in the context of this passage? Do I know my identity in this way?

Where else is the metaphor of sheep used?  I know it’s in the Hebrew scripture, where is it? What does it mean? It is used often regarding sacrifices, including Christ as a sacrifice. How does that relate to me? What does it mean to follow Him if He is the Lamb that was slain and we are supposed to be living sacrifices?

Welcome to the inside of my mind at any given moment. I ask lots of questions, and eventually I seek to discover the answers. For me, the journey to unveil what it meant to be one of the flock has been life altering.

So, I have tattooed  “lambs” in Hebrew on my right wrist. It is a symbol of my identity as part of the flock, a reminder that I am a living sacrifice, a symbol of the authority I am given by my Father, a branding recalling the fact that I am being guided and protected by a good Shepherd, and a constant altar decoration showing my devotion to the Kingdom. 

It's a weird picture, but there it is...
I wish I could say that the placement and the details of the tattoo were well planned out and symbolic, but they weren’t. I knew I wanted a derivative of sheep in Hebrew on my right wrist, but I didn’t know which one or how to place it. Since the scripture I mentioned was New Testament, you may be wondering why Hebrew and not Greek... There isn't an artsy explanation other than the fact that I wanted a tattoo in each language and my other tattoo is Greek. The tattoo artist luckily knows Hebrew fluently, both modern and biblical, and was able to guide me.  We picked this particular word for sheep in the plural mainly because it is long enough to complement my other tattoo. He placed the tattoo facing outward on my wrist, which I like because it is symbolically showing my identity to others. And, funnily enough, the tattoo itself isn’t perfect. It bled a little, and this imperfection reminds me that I am also a work in progress- the flock is a work in progress as we are all trying our best to remind loyal to our Shepherd.

As the last few years have been about learning my identity in Christ, I actively marked my body with a symbolic reminder of all that I have learned, of all those questions that have been answered (or are in the process of being answered) in my life. It seems rather silly to tell people that I have the word sheep tattooed in a language I do not speak on my wrist, but it is a constant reminder that I am one of God’s children, a member of His flock. And, when someone asks me why I have the tattoo, I will remember that it is plural because the individual I am talking with is apart of the family as well. I will remember that my Father loves me, and He loves my brothers and sisters – no matter how far they are from home- because he never loses track of a sheep. He will never lose track of me, and He will continue to use my life as a living sacrifice to help shepherd His flock and to invite the wandering sheep back to a place where they clearly hear and respond to His voice.

So there you have it, a less than elegant description of a less than elegant tattoo.  My identity is tattooed on my right wrist, the dominant hand and the hand symbolic of power. And, a reminder that God’s plan has His perfect timing is tattooed on my left wrist facing me so that I can never forget that He knows best and that I should respond to His promptings.  Just as the people of the biblical times built memorials to the Lord, I have two tattoos marking the great things God has done and is doing in my life as one of His flock involved in His perfect plan.

----
Note: I wrote this post approximately three weeks ago while still in Ibiza, as the last of a series of blogs relating to a book I had recently read. I am just now getting around to posting those blogs--Aside from minor edits, it remains the same as originally written.

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Random things I learned this summer

Some time during my time in Ibiza, I started keeping a list of random things I was learning. My goal was to have a random thing for every day I was there. I ended up having more than enough, so I trimmed the list down a bit and decided to post it for all of you to enjoy. It's a little funny, a little serious, and hopefully a little interesting.


1.     If you cannot sing or dance well, sing louder and dance harder. For every person you annoy, there will be another person who receives the freedom to express and enjoy themselves as well simply because you were being yourself.
2.     While the sight of semi-naked women sunbathing never causes me to look twice, I am always uncomfortable when I look through my goggles under water and spot topless women swimming.
3.     For someone who is rather extroverted, I need a considerable amount of alone time on a weekly basis to fully function in social settings.
4.     The thought of ringing someone’s door bell or interrupting someone with a phone call still causes me great anxiety- perhaps more so now than it has in several years.
5.     Basketball shorts are not ideal for swimming. My fear of swimwear may soon be over come by a strong desire to actually win during water sports and to transverse larger bodies of water.
6.     I attract sand like a magnet.  It will get everywhere.
7.     I really, really want a puppy.
8.     As much as I joke about non-negotiables there is only one that really matters.
9.     My list of pet peeves apparently now includes people leaving the cardboard toilet paper roll empty on the holder instead of replacing it. It really annoys me; who knew?
10. I actually like line-drying laundry, but absolutely HATE the idea of drying my underwear outside. 
11. Cornish pasties are amazing, especially when they are filled with lamb and mint.  A pasty is dinner inside a pastry, (not a pastie- a  decorative ornament worn by a stripper- an important distinction.)
12. The thing I miss most about the United States is coffee shops and ordering a iced raspberry chai latte with a double shot of espresso.
13. I eat more peanut butter than I would have ever guessed.
14. I actually like most vegetables, but still cannot eat a tomato raw.
15. The smell, sight, and taste of eggs make me nauseated- yet I love a good omelet.  Explain that one.
16. While I hate American civil religion and am not a fan of patriotism, I do like my country and have a great deal of national pride. It’s just that most of that pride involves food, clothes, the entertainment industry, amusement parks, sports, and mannerisms/dialects.
17. I love to read. If I am not reading something, it is a strong indication that something in my life is out of sync.
18. There are many cultural languages differences that really don’t matter much (i.e. pop v. soda v. fizzy drink or crisps v. chips).  Yet there are some make a world of difference- i.e. pants, fanny, etc.
19.  Fanny packs are called bum bags in Europe. Calling a bum bag a fanny pack will turn heads and will be considered rather rude. Regardless of the name, this accessory will never be cool in any way shape or form.
20. For some strange reason though, some rather cool people will insist on wearing them—okay maybe only my friend Tim. Also, apparently gifting someone a bum bag gives them an excuse to wear it...
21.  I flash a sideways peace sign when I leave a room more often than I realized. I also tend to do this with the wrong side of my hand facing outward, inadvertently insulting everyone who sees.
22.  Western Pennsylvanian accents must be a rarity in Europe because people kept thinking I sound Irish. I definitely don’t.
23.  On that note, I think the Northern Irish accent is my favorite European accent at the moment.  Maybe it’s just because I know some awesome Northern Irish folk.
24. Tea is not only a drink, but also an evening meal. 
25. When asked if you would like a cup of tea, assume that it is hot unsweetened, black tea with milk unless otherwise specified.
26. Tapas may be free in Granada, but in Ibiza, they are rather expensive.
27. The world will not self-destruct if you go several days without checking your email or facebook.
28. Once you acknowledge that the Internet isn’t a vital necessity, you will find that a half hour online every few days is more than enough. Anything more seems boring and redundant.
29. I cry every time I say an indefinite goodbye to someone I love and respect. It’s inevitable.
30.  When I was a kid, I cried every time we packed up our stuff to go home from vacation. Apparently I never grew up because I still cry every time I leave a place I love for an extended period of time.
31.  Actually, I cry a lot- especially when I am in a solid place with God and am open to Him speaking to me.
32.  Regardless often this happens, every time I do cry I will make a point to insist that I am not a crier and that I do enjoy crying. Every time.
33. A lesson learned but not put into practice isn’t actually a lesson learned.  And consequently, I have many unlearned lessons.
34.  My attention span is only slightly longer than that of a gold fish.
35.  Long pauses mid-sentence confuse me. If someone pauses too long while talking, I think that they are done and either stop paying attention or begin responding without realizing that they didn’t finish their thought until that awkward moment where we speak at the same time and I find myself interrupting. I need to work on this.
36. This is really unfortunate for my English friends with more posh accents because I quite often have to ask them to repeat themselves.
37. I really like physical touch. Hugs and the double kiss greeting are perfectly fine by me. Even so, I seem to give off the opposite vibe simply because the idea of physical affection is really foreign to me.
38. While I can fully function on four or five hours of sleep, my body definitely prefers six to eight. I should be nicer to it and maybe it will be nicer to me.
39.  Europe has better chocolate, but the U.S. knows how to utilize it. Why hasn’t the rest of the world discovered that peanut butter and chocolate go well together? Or that pretzels and chocolate are a godsend?
40.  I still cannot speak Spanish, and every year that goes by and I do not attempt to do so… I understand less and less of what I hear and read.
41.  I am too afraid of attempting to speak the little Spanish that I do know that I won’t speak with drunk people or small children- as if they have the ability to judge me for sounding like a fool.
42. This is a rather unfortunate fact when you are living on a Spanish island and have a fairly dark tan and fairly dark hair because people will stop you to ask you questions.
43.  Most people from the United Kingdom have no concept of how large the United States actually is and will assume that all US citizens are similar and that you may have met their cousin in California or Florida.
44.  The same people will be very quick to assert that there are various countries that comprise the United Kingdom and each of those countries is extremely different.
45.  I cannot convert from Celsius to Fahrenheit in my head, which means I am generally rather content not knowing what temperature it is outside.
46. It also means that I have no clue how to use the oven, which is a perfect excuse not to bake things.
47.  There are various sub genres of electronic and house music; hard house and drum and bass happen to be my favorites at the moment.
48.  You can make an excellent song by simply repeating the words “the big bad wolf” over and over again… and howling… as long as there is a good beat. Perhaps there is still hope for my musical development.
49.  Where ever you are and who ever you are with, you will still be misunderstood. It’s inevitable.
50. There is very little I hate more than being misunderstood. I say this knowing that I rarely understand myself.
51.  The people who you think are least likely to become your friends soon become the people you will miss the most. 
52. No matter how old you are, there will always be people who look down on you and speak to you in a condescending tone because you are younger than they are.
53.  When your Converse have holes in them and have been at least partly covered in blood, vomit, urine, human feces, and a number of alcoholic beverages, it is perfectly okay to chuck them into the trash at the end of the summer.
54.  Creativity is the key to resourcefulness. Prime example: an abandoned t-shirt can be cut into a skirt when desperately needed.
55. Shutting off cellular data is essential when living abroad.
56. Toll free calls can be made on Skype. I should discover these things before using my US phone to make a $40 phone call to rebook a flight.
57. It is relatively easy to get into nightclubs for free. You just have to be friendly to everyone, and one of your friends will know how to get on the guest list.
58. Do not take for granted the land of free tap water and unlimited refills- especially when in Europe because drinks are expensive.
59. Businesses can close without notice regardless of the business hours posted.
60. One should not rely on a wifi zone to be available when living on an island because the connection seems sketchy everywhere.
61. If one thinks they can find a reliable internet connection before a deadline for an assignment or before a skype date, she will be disappointed eventually and there will be late submissions and cancellations.
62.  The only reasons to have internet at home are: for watching Netflix, streaming music, researching, and looking up recipes and chord charts.
63.  I will get sinus infections at the most inconvenient times wherever I may be.
64. My sinus medication that I am supposed to take year round but don’t because it is too expensive is one fifth of the cost in Europe.
65. To quote a wise man, quantity time is key for quality times.
66.  The ride home from work seems much more pleasant when you take the boat home around sunset.
67.  I am really bad at table tennis. Every time I am playing well, the game will get interrupted and when it resumes, I will be horrible again.
68. Insecurity is a sneaky stronghold; if you let it in, it soon has control over areas of your life that you would not expect.
69.  Learning names isn’t useful if you cannot remember faces.
70.  You can only change the DVD region on your Mac book c. five times.
71. I often use c. in text messages and sentences instead of “about” or “around”. It’s kind of strange and I am not sure why I picked it up or where I picked it up.
72. When you pray to be humbled, you will be humbled. Be prepared.
73.  When I don’t have constant 24 hour internet access, I am really bad at blogging, but really good at saving half written blog entries into Word documents.
74. This makes me wonder how many entries over the years were posted simply because I am an insomniac and have access to the internet.
75.  I still cannot play my guitar around people that I know/think will judge me for my mistakes.
76.  Harem pants are extremely comfortable, and almost fashionable. I like them better when I am in a place where very few people are wearing them.
77.  This does not make me hipster. But, while I am mentioning hipsterness, I will get mocked for my hipster tendencies even abroad where the word hipster is not widely recognized. Funny because I am not one! Not at all.
78.  Rapping/spoken word is a fantastic way to help brighten someone’s day. I need to embrace my love of spoken word, as I love to pray through it, and I’m good at it…  but cannot do so in front of people. Problem. I can however attempt to beatbox poorly. Weird.
79. The one trip that you forget to pack your juggling sticks on will be the trip you wish you had them.
80.  Autocorrect will make you look like an idiot regardless of what country you are in…
81.  I underestimated water polo. It can be a vicious sport. And surprisingly, I do enjoy playing it.
82. You can turn in five assignments late for class and still receive perfect marks without proofreading a single one of them. This fact does not motivate me to overcome my procrastination tendencies or my every increasing learned laziness in the realm of academia.


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Throwback entry: Truth

While cleaning out the office this morning, I discovered a prayer journal from when we were doing a weekly 24 hour prayer session in partnership with Campus America in 2009. I flipped open to a page with very familiar handwriting, and smiled as I read my long forgotten prayers.

Since I am still in the process of sorting through backlogged/half written blog entries from this summer, I figured I would share this throwback post in the meanwhile. The sentence in bold really struck me. My hope is that I would have the audacity to write this prayer again.

Truth. What is truth? Sometimes I feel like it is the purpose of this life...  the academic training of the mind...  is to cram our minds with facts, figures, and theories.. to overload our senses... to push past our own understanding to the point where we acknowledge that the truth is nothing more than an abstract - a concept relative to the topic, the situation, the system, and the circumstance. We are told that relativism is the ultimate goal, the ultimate stage in intellectual development is to have an open mind.  If this is the world's version of truth, something distant, unknowable and relative, then I long to be boldly and assertively wrong about absolutely every aspect of life. My truth is not a relative abstract, but a concrete, never changing perfection. The truth is not a what, but a who. And, the only truth I rest my life upon is God. The truth that created the world,  the truth that entered the world to rescue his creation, the truth that  lives within me and walks beside me... the only definition of truth is Christ. Why can't intellectual minds see that?  He is the only thing that makes sense, yet we walk around looking for answers when He is already here. The truth has already been revealed. Why don't we recognize it? Why don't we proclaim it? Why do we make the truth seem like a concept that cannot be grasped when He already has a hold of us?-- written 01/29/09

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Window (3): Movies


It is no secret that I love finding lessons from movies; the number of times I have quoted Proof, The Matrix, Donnie Darko, etc. is ridiculous.  So, I found it easy to concur with Ken Gire’s sentiment that films can serve as windows to the soul. 

Most recently, during a bout of insomnia, I watched Liz Gilbert’s journey portrayed by Julia Roberts in Eat, Pray, Love.  It seemed like a fitting late night film for a single, female living abroad on her own for the summer who dreams of traveling the world. My choice of movie is already a glimpse into my personality I suppose and I gleaned much from Liz’s adventure. 

But for the sake of being concise, I want to devote this post to a quote from the end of the film.  After having traveled through Italy, India and Indonesia (by the way, why do all the countries start with the letter “I”?), Liz reflects on how the journey impacted her.  As we are each on our own journeys in life, I find Liz’s revelation extremely relevant regardless of an individual’s location or circumstances.

In the end, I've come to believe in something I call "The Physics of the Quest." A force in nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity. The rule of Quest Physics goes something like this: If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you.

If you are willing to embrace the journey and to learn from it, the truth will not be withheld from you. While I know that movie never mentions a Judeo-Christian God, I find that Liz Gilbert’s truth-seeking excursion is a great metaphor for a spiritual journey where the end result is the joy of knowing a God that does not withhold Himself from those who seek Him.

But to find Him, to allow Him to find you…. You must be willing to begin the journey. You must be brave enough to take a risk. You must be willing to give up all that you know to be true to discover the truth- accepting that you can be and will be wrong about things along the way.  You must look for the windows to the soul and learn from your surroundings and the people God has placed in your path. You must be willing to examine yourself and to be honest about who you are – and what it takes to continually grow and mature into the person you are destined to be. If you are willing to journey, the truth will not be withheld.

I am definitely on that journey. I am a young, single woman looking to live a life devoted to following Jesus. I do not know what that looks like or where I will live or what I will do for work. I know that I am far from perfect, and I am on path of spiritual formation. And, I know that in the process of journeying I will be wrong and I have been wrong. And, I know that at times I will be hurt, and at times I will hurt others. Still,  the journey is worth it. The truth is worth it. In the end, if we are willing to journey, we will never be disappointed with the outcome. There is always something to learn and always some way to grow and always blessings along the way.  If we are willing to continue to journey, the truth will never be withheld.

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Window (2) - Tears

I started with tears, not because I am sad or because of the frequency of them in my life... but because this window is the most relevant at the moment. It provides a glimpse of why I am still sitting in a coffee shop in Ibiza instead of sitting at home in my apartment in Washington, D.C.

"Whenever you find tears in your eyes, especially unexpected tears, it is well to pay the closest attention. They are not only telling you something about the secret of who you are, but more often than not God is speaking to you through them of the mystery of where you have come from and is summoning you where, if your soul is to be saved, you should go next"- Fredruck Buechner as quoted in Windows to the Soul by Ken Gire (191).
My departure was scheduled for July 23rd, 11:25 p.m. In the week leading up to my flight, I kept discovering droplets of water falling from my face. Tears- a little uncommon, a little unexpected.

Flashback: leaving Ibiza last year. As my plane ascended, the water droplets started pouring from my eyes. Several hours of dripping facets under the eyelids. No real distress or sadness, just a feeling that I needed to return. And, so I did.

Several days ago, I sat on my balcony. Staring at the clouds, speaking to God through flows of spoken word and prayer, marveling at the tears falling down my cheek. It didn't want to think about leaving this place; it seemed like my pending departure was too soon and the unexpected tears- a week early, and a few too many- agreed with my sentiments. "Lord, why am I crying? I have a week left- that's a lot of time. Why am I crying already?? "

As I watched the cloud pass quickly overhead, I heard a voice in my head say this "like that cloud you will pass through quickly, but your presence still has an impact while you here and eventually you will return and pass through again." Fair enough, but why am I crying? What does that even mean?

Searching for answers, I looked toward the sky. The cloud seemed to slow. It lingered. And, suddenly I realized that my tears were indicative of a longing for a little more time, I wanted to linger here a little longer too.  But, was God leading me to stay a little longer? Were the tears and the imagery and the prayers really from Him? Or was it just wishful thinking? I asked God to have someone invite me to stay if He wanted me to stay.

The next day, I was invited to stay longer if I wanted to do so. My flights were able to be changed, the space for me here was confirmed, and God clearly made a way for me to linger here for just a little longer: three weeks longer.  Because I paid attention to my tears and asked for God to reveal their meaning, I have a little more time and a lot more joy and excitement in knowing that God has purpose for the next three weeks.

Those tears were not the only ones I have shed since being here. I have cried for lives that seem engulfed by hopelessness, for the abuse of alcohol and drugs, for the vulnerable who have been deserted by their friends, for the loss of innocence, for those imprisoned by injustice, for the deceptive sting of insecurity, for my brothers and sisters who have yet to find their way home to the Father... I've shed many tears for many people here in Ibiza and I find that each one is an indication of something deeper.
"So much is distilled in our tears, not the least of which is wisdom in living life. From my own tears I have learned that if you follow your tears, you will find your heart. If you find your heart, you will find what is dear to God. And if you find what is dear to God, you will find the answer to how you should live your life"- Windows to the Soul, Ken Gire- 195.

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Windows to the Soul (part 1)

Sadly, I have been neglecting my blog. As I was discussing how I kept putting off uploading blog posts (they are half written saved in Word docs on my computer, I'm just lazy), someone asked me what I blog about.

Good question. Why do I blog? What exactly is this blog about? Why does it matter if I update it?

As I was pondering these questions, I was reading Windows to the Soul by Ken Gire. [Which is excellent and thought provoking, you should read it!] In his introduction to the book, Gire explains that windows are moments where we experience an intimacy with God.

At some of these windows, what we see offers simply a moment of insight, making us slower to judge and quicker to show understanding. At a few of them, what we see offers a word spoken to the very depths of who we are. It may be a word to rouse us from sleep and ready us for our journey. It may be a word to warn us of a precipice or guide us to a place of rest. It may be a word telling us who we are and why we are here and what is required of us at this particular juncture of the journey.... windows to the soul is where we hear those words  and where the journey begins." (11-12).
Well said. Gire continues to share some of the categories of windows in his own life: vocation, stories, art, wilderness, poetry, movies, memory, dreams, writing, scripture, humanity, tears, depression, nature....

While I could not seem to articulate why I blog when inquired, Gire seems to give an explanation that I feel comfortable borrowing and adopting as my own. I blog to share glimpses of those windows in my own life, to share where I see God and how those moments of revelation impact my own journey.


It has been a month since I have updated, and there have been many windows. I have some entries saved and stored, and others unwritten... but first, I want to pause and share a few insights from the windows mentioned in the book. Hopefully, they will provide some insight into my life at the moment and inspire whoever reads these to pause and look through their own windows.

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Arrrgh, Halt Matey!

Okay, maybe I didn’t say that. I did though say: “Pirate! Stop!”  And, I have never been happier to see a pirate...

Just finished the conversation with a Zen Buddhist: prayed for his migraine, it began to lift and he became convinced that we were supposed to give him a Bible.  We were heading back to the center, 10 minutes later than expected. Walking up the West End, a worker grabbed us. “Wait! Help! Some guy was sleeping at our table, two hooded Spanish guys grabbed him, dragged him down into the side street… can you go check on him?? Please!” How can you say no? 

Around the corner, we found our new friend, let’s call him Jack.  Quite wobbly, Jack was standing holding onto a rail, attempting not to roll down the street. Unfortunately had already been mugged, but seemed to still be in good spirits and was feeling up for a chat. To give you a glimpse of the hour long conversation that commenced: “Hi Jack, where are your friends? What hotel are you staying in? Can we help you get back home?” “I’ll be honest with ya, I don’t know. Hole in the wall. Good stuff. Aye. It’s your call” 

As you can probably guess, he wasn’t relaying any useful information. So, we sat with Jack. Helping him drink water, trying to jog his memory with questions, occasionally asking why he was dressed like a pirate- the latter was merely a curiosity as costumes are common with holidaymakers, particularly with stag do groups. So, we continued to sit with Captain Jack…

With no progress and little ability to extract the name of the hotel from his memory, we began to pray. Laying our hands on Jack wasn’t at all a problem since my teammate literally was holding him up in his arms, and I had my arm behind his head to prevent him from continually bashing it against the metal grates. Not even five minutes after we turned to prayer, I saw them stumble past us. One guy running down the street, drunkenly crashing into things, and the other more sober, but still pretty inebriated, chasing after him. 

via wikicommons.
Pirates! Yes! Pirates! “Hey pirate! Stop! Do you know this guy?” "Yes, actually I do." Thank God! We found his friends, and I have never been happier to see a pair of pirates in my entire life.  And so, we helped guide the pirates back to their hotel, thanking God for their costumes and answered prayer. 

Saying a prayer that you would see some pirates stumble along a back alleyway seems a little strange, but God responds. Another great end to a night in the streets of San Antonio.  And, a reminder that perhaps we should take Paul's advice to the Philippians to heart:


" Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done." Phil 4:6 (NLT)

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