I'm trying to force myself to fall asleep... in a beautiful house with the beach a few steps from my door. Oh, Chi Alpha beach retreat- I love thee. Before I leave the ocean, I want to make sure that the lessons that I learned here leave with me. Here is a quick recap, possibly foreshadowing some future posts.

In no particular order, here are ten points I am taking away from this weekend.

- I know God, I am known by God, and God knowingly works through me to help others to know Him better.
-  I actually like myself when I'm connected to God and serving Him. Imagine that.
- Loving people sometimes means speaking the truth as much as God has enabled you to, and then leaving them the freedom to [or to not] seek the truth on their own.
- Taking a step back from people's lives is hard for me, but necessary because life has nothing to do with me. There are people that I care about that I need to give room to decide [or not] to seek truth. God is big enough to represent Himself.
- I need to realize that the "[or not]" is actually a possibility. And, that I don't have the power to change someone's decision to not seek or act on the truth.
- He'll do it in His time and His way.... but God does answer prayer and He always fulfills His promises.
-The key is the possessive pronoun. God does not always fulfill His promise the way I interpret that it would be filled.
- I need to continue going deeper in faith, encouraging others to do the same. Whatever the cost, I need to continue walking forward toward the cross.
- Also, I need to figure out who my support network is and where my community is based... for the long term. And, I need to be intentional in that regard.
- God has blessed me with a great friends for this leg of my journey... possibly well beyond.

A few days ago I noticed the appearance of the seemingly provocative "I like it on..." facebook statuses. The general idea is that women post where they like to place their purse as their facebook status in an effort to confuse men and to raise awareness for breast cancer.  As an alternative to changing my status, I am authoring this blogpost.

"Q: What is breast cancer?
A: Breast cancer is cancer that forms in tissues of the breast, usually the ducts (tubes that carry milk to the nipple) and lobules (glands that make milk). It occurs in both men and women, although male breast cancer is rare.

Q: How many new cases of breast cancer were estimated in the United States in 2009?
A: According to the American Cancer Society (ACS), an estimated 192,370 new cases of invasive breast cancer are expected to be diagnosed among women in the United States last year. Approximately 1,910 new cases are expected in men. The ACS also reports that an estimated 40,610 breast cancer deaths are expected in 2009 (40,170 women, 440 men).

Q: How common is breast cancer in the United States?
A: Breast cancer is the most common cancer in women, aside from skin cancer. "

 Find out more at the National Breast Cancer Awareness Month website or the Susan Komen foundation or the American Cancer Society or the American Breast Cancer Foundation.  


Praying for a cure to cancer, praying for patients undergoing treatment, praying for cancer survivors, praying for families who have lost loved ones... praying that God will wipe cancer from the face of the earth and praying that until then we all can be more informed, more supportive, and more dedicated to aiding our brothers and sisters affected by cancer.

Starting tomorrow, I am reviving a system of journaling that I used when I worked for CSM. I am finding a semi-new journal, and dating it so that I have two clean pages for day. The first page will be for recording what I learned from my daily devotional readings and the second page will be for reflecting on my day before I go to bed.  The reflections will included notes on prayer, things I saw God on, and areas where I need improvement.

Why? Because God is teaching me that I need to be consistent and that I am really bad at consistency. This system holds me accountable. If I miss a day, there will be blank pages in my journal and I will be able to see my inconsistency. This isn't a legalistic practice, but a helpful tool in this season of my life. And,  blogging about adds just a touch more accountability. Kinda excited to start this again!

Because of my own sin and depravity and stupidity, the first few verses of Ephesians 2 are easy truths to believe:

 "As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath." 2:1-3. 

Ironically enough, I begin this post with a confession: "I am the problem, and I cannot be the solution." There is a repetitive sin issue that creeps up in my life when I least expect it. Call it my own personal "thorn in the side", and I have a tendency to justify it with an explanation of my vulnerability or to angrily blame Satan for tempting me. What I generally fail to realize is that even if I am legitimately vulnerable and spiritual warfare is playing a factor, I am still the problem because I am still the one who chooses to sin when I know that there is a better option.


Apart from God, we choose to follow the culture zeitgeist of our time and choose to allow spiritual warfare to play a role in our lives. The emphasis here is choice. Apart from Christ, we choose death. Consequently, we choose to put ourselves under God's wrath because God hates sin. Not surprisingly, as a follower of Jesus, I hate sin too and I hate myself when I choose to follow my sinful nature instead of my Lord.


My cryptic confession warrants another commitment to repentance, only I think I will take the advice of scripture and let Jesus be the only answer this time around.

"But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." 2:5-10

God loved us so much that He could not bare to see us as the objects of His wrath, so He entered into history as a man so that we may now what it is to choose God over death and so that He could be the object of His own wrath in order that we may be spared. It is through His grace that we are saved through faith. This verse may be one of the most quoted in Protestant theology, and for good reason. Salvation occurred at the cross because of God's grace- through His gift of Himself. There is nothing we can do to earn it or repay Him or deserve it. In fact, the only thing we can do is have faith and we can't even have that apart from trust in God and the strength of the Holy Spirit because Hebrews 11 tells us that faith means trusting in the unseen and the unrealized. Nothing I do changes the fact that salvation is from God alone. Furthermore, I cannot boast about my faith or my works because God leaves no room for boasting in anything but His glory. He created us to do good works and prepared them in advance for us to do. So even the good that we do is not to be praised because in doing good we are merely doing what we were designed to do.


I love how humbling this passage is. It reminds me of my depravity, of my need to continually accept the gift of Christ.  I am once again reminded that God saves me from myself and raises me up to be with Him... and there is nothing I can do to be worthy of that gift.


 It is a gift that demands my response, and my response is to continually lay down my life, turn from my sinful nature, and choose to follow Jesus and to embrace the good works He has called me to do. So, once again, Lord I choose You. I love you, but not nearly enough. So, Jesus, please give me grace and strength to love and follow you.

J. Champion via wikicommons

"Once upon a time there was a crooked tree and a straight tree. And they grew next to each other. And every day the straight tree would look at the crooked tree and he would say, "You're crooked. You've always been crooked and you'll continue to be crooked. But look at me! Look at me!" said the straight tree. He said, "I'm tall and I'm straight." And then one day the lumberjacks came into the forest and looked around, and the manager in charge said, "Cut all the straight trees." And that crooked tree is still there to this day, growing strong and growing strange." - Kneller, Wristcutters: A Love Story

 Last night, I realized that I am unconsciously trying to be a "straight tree" when I am in fact very much a "crooked tree".  I have been internalizing criticism and comments and small little words of discouragement. Instead of being proud of the dynamic person God is molding me into, I have inadvertently attempted to straighten things out a bit.  


The funny thing is that in the eyes of the world in which we live, there is nothing about me that is normal or sensible. The Christian life is countercultural, and many of my decisions to follow Jesus have been countercultural to even cultural Christianity. 


So here is to a shift in perspective again; here's to continually "growing strong and growing strange". 

At the recommendation of my roommate, I just watched a documentary called "Lord Save Us From Your Followers". The general premise is that the Gospel of Love is dividing America because believers are divisive: we champion polarizing viewpoints while neglecting to live the Gospel and share the message of love. It's worth watching and on Hulu, so you should check it out.

I obviously have my thoughts, but I'll save most of them... for now. In lieu of a long reflection or critique, I invite you to watch this film for yourself. Then, we too can have a dialogue. 

I will say this though. At one point narrator  simply says that "loving kindness works", and I would agree. I was recently reminded by someone that I highly respect  that  we are kind because God was first kind to us when we didn't deserve it. I've learned to be kind first, and then explain that I am kind because of God's kindness second.

This documentary encourages Christians to look inwardly at how screwed up we are while looking outwardly to the needs of the world. Perhaps if we stopped arguing about what we should do or not do and actually started living out what we claim to believe, even more people would come to know Christ through His followers.

My prayer tonight is "Lord, save us from your followers".  More specifically, save me from myself so that I can truly follow you. 

Last night we began small group with a little modified Lecto Divinia . After reading through Ephesians 1:15-23 out loud in five different translations, we discussed what struck us about the passage. Ignore the rest of my blog and the world for a few minutes. Read this scripture aloud three or four times, and jot down a few things that really stand out in your mind. 

"For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.

When I was preparing for our study a few things stood out to me right away: the enlightening of hearts, the emphasis of power of God, and the fullness of Christ.  After a more detailed study, much prayer, and some help from trustworthy commentaries, here are some of my thoughts regarding this passage. 


Ephesians 1:15-23 is Paul's intercessory prayer for the Church and serves as a model of how we can pray for believers. Paul is clear that he is grateful for their faith and praying for them constantly. Even though he does not seem as if he knows the recipients first hand, Paul continually asks God to bless them. It is worthwhile to consider why and how Paul prays for believers. 


In the verse 15, he begins with the clause "For this reason" and describes his prayer. Why do we prayer? Refer back to the doxology of Ephesians, we pray because the world as we know it is not the manifested plan of God. Paul prays for the Church because God is redeeming the world through Jesus and His Church. We should pray for people not because we love them, but because God loves them and people are God's plan. Paul continues to note that he is praying specifically that the Holy Spirit flood their hearts with understanding so that they may know God more, so that God's plan may come to fruition. I love people and I pray for people often, but this passage makes me stop and consider why and how I pray for them. Am I praying for what I think they need or am I praying that God's will and plan will flood their lives?


Praying for  "Eyes of understanding" is a radically bold prayer. This is rabbinical reference to favor of God on an individuals life giving them the authority of God. Few people would be considered to have this blessing, and the Gentiles to whom Paul is writing definitely would not be among them. Yet Paul reassures them that they can know God and they can partner with God in His redemption plan. Awesome truth! 


More specifically, Paul prays that the Holy Spirit would specifically help believers understand three things: 1) "the hope of their calling" - who they are as God's children. 2) "the riches of his glorious inheritance"- the greatest of God's plan manifested when God inherits the people He created for Himself.  The original language here indicates that Paul is praying that they understand the richness of the King's personal inheritance - the Church- as opposed to the riches of a kingdom. Paul is praying that the believers understand why God wants a people for Himself, the pleasure that it gives Him. 3)"incomparably great power for us who believe", more specifically the fact that the power that rose Christ from the dead is the same power God gives to those who believe. The power aspect is so important that Paul elaborates in the next several versus that Christ has power over ever situation and in every circumstance whether earthly or spiritual.


Can you imagine what this passage would have meant to the people reading it? Here Paul is praying that the Gentiles realize that they are God's people and that was His plan from the beginning... that they understand how awesome this plan is and how much God is blessed by inheriting His people... and that they power that God has is bestowed to them because the Church has the fullness of Christ. For Ephesus, a city ran by political, economic, and spiritual power... this assertion is radical. What it mean for us to understand these three points in our own society? 


What if we understood that Jesus had power over image and politics and addictions and poverty and war and mundane tasks in daily life? What if we truly believed that the power that rose Christ from the dead lived in us and worked through us to bring the Kingdom of Heaven to Earth and glorify God? What if the Holy Spirit enlightened our hearts more? What would that Church look like?


The NIV Application commentary suggests that a church that understands these points grows in six areas. 1) They grow in their compassion for their community and for the world. 2) They increase in prayer. 3) They develop a deeper understanding of their finite perspective of time in God's infinite plan. 4) They strive to think more and understand more. 5) They become increasingly confident in who they are in God and God's plan for the world. 6) They trust in the power of Christ and that power is revealed in their daily lives, bringing glory to God and showing others how powerful He is. I agree with these observations and pray that the Spirit will continue enlighten my heart in these areas. 


Overall, I pray that every believer- whether I know them or not- and those yet to believe will know God in a deeper way, understanding the "the fullness of him who fills everything in every way"