"Hello, angel of God here. Don't be freaked out or anything... but God has supernaturally impregnated you.  He kinda likes you, and wants you to be the momma of his son- well actually, his word incarnate who will atone for the sins of the entire word. No worries though.  You won't have to sleep with a man; the kid will just pop out because God put him in there. And, your cousin is having an unexpected kid too. See, it's all good, God can do whatever He wants." - A kpaxian paraphrase of Luke 1:26-37

When I read the account of Gabriel talking to Mary, I cannot imagine what it would be like being on the receiving end of that message.  I can honestly say that I would have freaked out.  "You want me to do what?!? Nope, there is no way I am risking my engagement to endure nine months of pregnancy  and the judgmental looks of everyone and their brother.. and without ever having sex." Actually, I am pretty sure that my words would have been a little stronger given my track record of fighting with God.

Yet, Mary responds completely differently than most of us would. She doesn't fight, she doesn't resist, she doesn't even question. She simply says: "I am the Lord's servant,""May it be to me as you have said." (v.38)


Wow, now that is an attitude to emulate. "Okay God, whatever you want, I'm game. Just make it happen". Not only does she embrace her calling, she rejoices in her role in God's plan. A few lines later, Mary sings one of the most well known songs in the Bible- The Magnificat:

And Mary said:
   "My soul glorifies the Lord
    ⁴⁷and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
 ⁴⁸for he has been mindful
      of the humble state of his servant.
   From now on all generations will call me blessed,
    ⁴⁹for the Mighty One has done great things for me—
      holy is his name..."

1. Being God's servant requires instant obedience and a willing heart. And, sometimes that means no questions asked, no reluctance, and no second thoughts.
2. Being used by God is a privilege that we should rejoice in and embrace. Furthermore, Mary's rejoicing was not self centered in that she did not rejoice because God used her, but because he was using her to build His Kingdom. Mary rejoiced for all of Israel and the world that would be saved because of her son. She rejoiced because of work that was going to be done by God through her not because of her privileged role.
3. Being in a relationship with God means that we should honor Him in all that we do, and that honor sometimes means holding on to His promises until He finishes the work He has begun. Everything has a time and purpose, and God knows what is best and has perfect timing. An intimate relationship with Him may sometimes mean a rather lonely existence because some things are meant to be treasured and pondered alone within our hearts.
   

My soul cries out to You
My God, My King, My Father
surrounded by your grand creation
humbled by its beauty
my eyes are fixed upon the sky
my ears upon the rushing stream
as the gentle breeze stretches
from snowy peak, to sunkist sky
all creation calls out to its Creator
in perfect harmony

my soul senses Your presence
yet my spirit is still wanting more
seeking more of You
more of Your righteousness
more of your love, of your justice,
not poured out on me, but
poured out through me

oh, for the purity of the wilderness
for the Holy mystery,
the transparency of nature
to be the comforting breeze, or
the warmth of the sun's touch
I long for the stillness
for the tranquility,
for the disciplines of the wilderness
to transcend my soul

let this moment not pass
from me like a distant memory
rather change me, transform me,
mold me into Your creative work
that Your hand designed me to be
Fore You love me no less
than I love your creation
Fore you love me more
infinite abundant love

How can I be your prize
in the splendor of the wildness?
Yet, Your hand is upon me,
Your arms wrapped around me
as seasons pass away,
You draw me closer to yourself
This splendor changes, so do I
but let this be an equinox
a new time for Your creative hand
Lord, let Your Kingdom reign


[rediscovered this today. written in the wilderness in Summer of 2008. a necessary reminder to drink deeply of His love.]

The tree said, "I wish I could be
A different kind of tree,"

On my bus ride home this evening, I had Tree Hugger stuck in my head on repeat. Since you don't have the pleasure of hearing my musically talented friends play it, click here to hear the song.

Cute little song, but  also rather sad. Nothing in the song is satisfied with what it is... everything wants to be something else.  Isn't that true about each of us too? Instead of being content with growing into who God created us to be, we are always trying to be something different, perhaps something better.

I don't know about you, but  I often wish that  I could be a different kind of tree. I feel like I am always trying to define and redefine myself. "Can I quit? Can I do this instead?" Sometimes I ask these questions and test angles in vain because I already know that there is an incredible plan for my life. In other words, I need an attitude adjustment

During this advent season, I am reminded of  people in the Bible who embraced who they were becoming and the roles they were designed to fulfill.  Imagine that?

Though my tone is laced with sarcasm, I do seriously need the reminder. During the next few days, I am going to take the time to examine the callings and the responses of these remarkable individuals who left the suckage out of their attitudes and allowed God to crazily use their lives.

For now, I think I need to remind myself that my roots are  planted and there is much growth ahead.


^"And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there." - 1 Cor 7:17 (the message)

I have been writing it on my hand all semester. I say again and again in prayer. I meditate on it continually. I read it over and over just to make sure that the words never change.  It was a commissioning verse from my time in Montana and this verse is my mantra this year.

Luke 12:32
"Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom."

I feel like a sheep, feeble and looking for a place to roam. Afraid of my own shadow. And, to think you have chosen me. You take pleasure in me? You have given me privilege in your kingdom?  God, what is your problem? Why would you? How could you?

Why do I ask all these questions? Why do I doubt? Why do I fear? Why can't I just allow you to love me? lead me? provide for me? utilize me in Your kingdom? After all, it is your pleasure. You take joy in my feeble attempts to follow, You take joy when I receive your blessing, You take joy when I embrace my place in the flock.

Loving you means understanding that I don't get to choose if or when I follow You or how I please You.  I am merely a sheep, and You are in control. Loosing control is not something to be feared; it is a blessing that comes with the Kingdom...but I am still terrified.

So I'll write it on my hand again, say it again, pray it again, read it again... and again.. and again. I shall not fear, I shall not hold on to control or anxiety. I shall take my place in the flock, following the Shepherd that delights in me. Once again, I declare...

Left my fear by the side of the road
Hear You speak
Won't let go
Fall to my knees as I lift my hands to pray

Got every reason to be here again
Father's love that draws me in
And all my eyes wanna see is a glimpse of You

All I need is You
All I need is You Lord
Is you Lord - Hillsong

Last night, I had a harsh realization of the fact that I should still fear myself (Sorry for the spastic entry!) 
 
Our study party ended with an awesome conversation about being filled with the Spirit and the benefits of living a Spirit filled life. When I ventured home, I found myself facing the reality that I have not allowed myself to be filled with the Spirit over the last few days. In the midst of the chaos of finals week, I gave God a backseat in my life. I talked so passionately about the Spirit filled life, but this week I have not been living it. 
 
Crazy, since I know better. I was honest in our conversation that I had not been as tune with God this week as I should be and  the consequences  in my daily life.  However, last night I was faced with the hard reality of that truth.   I need the Spirit of God to refill me daily; otherwise I will fall to sin and wander away from the path His will has placed me on... Last night, I did.  No need to be concerned, but it is a slow fade. Once again I gave myself a stronger reminder of my depravity and  my capacity and propensity to sin.

"Sin is anything in the creature which does not express, or which is contrary to the holy character of the Creator. The first sin in the Universe was an act of free will in which the creature deliberately, responsibly, and with adequate understanding of the issues, chose to corrupt the holy, godly character which God originally endowed His creation. [Zondervan Dictionary]"

It doesn't matter what the sin is. Sin is sin, and God hates sin. Sin draws us away from God, and we are called to hate sin too.  If it is in our nature to sin and even Paul did what he hated,  how do we repel sin in our lives?
 
1) Remain in the Word: Rev. John Smith once held up a Bible and proclaimed, "This Bible will keep you away from sin , or sin will keep you away from the Bible?". The Psalmist understood this truth: "I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you." - Psalm 119:11

2) Be re-filled continually with the Spirit: "The best way to fight sin is to be controlled by the Holy Spirit on a daily basis. That involves a moment-by-moment walk with Christ. The apostle Paul said, "This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh" (Gal. 5:16)."- John MacArthur

Sounds simple enough, so why do I feel like I fall continually?  Why do we sin? Why did I wander, even if only for a few minutes, down a path that wasn't of God? Why do we not have a greater capacity to follow God and His will for our lives?
The answer comes back to the truth that sometimes I want other things more than I want God, and that attitude is sin. I have used this quote before and I will probably use it again: 

"Every believer is as full of the Spirit as we actually want to be... Everybody has as much of God as he desires to have."- A.W. Tozer

Hard, but true. My momentary lapses are my responsibility, and there is no excuse for them. If I was filled with the Spirit in those moments, my decision making would not be impaired because we cannot serve two masters mentally at the same time. Yet, my distance from God's Spirit in these moments is due to the fact that I do not desire Him enough. My priorities and desires are twisted. If I wanted more of God and truly desired nothing more than Him, He would give me more of Himself.   


My prayer is that my desire would be God and God alone. My prayer is that my hunger and thirst for Him would be so great that it would be impossible to survive even a day without the nourishment of  studying His Word and spending time in His presence. My prayer is that my prayers for myself would be Your prayers over my life.

This entry is for me, not you....[ it serves as a reminder and a reflection. See the next entry for an explanation]

"To label me
A hypocrite would be
Only scratching the surface
Of who I’ve been known to be" - Rush of Fools

Three hours in a bar last night brought immense healing into my life.

True story, and now I have your attention. This isn't going to be a long story, but rather a short aside. The microstory is as follows: Three years ago, I was denied an opportunity I thought I deserved by people I respected and thought supported me. And, I never really got over it; the situation has plagued me with confusion and bitterness. Last night, during a reunion with a past life and old friends, I was finally given closure and peace regarding the decision.

I mention this incident for two reasons. 1) The necessity of tough love. 2) The significance of tough love.

The final voice in the decision and I had a conversation last night, and he explained his reasoning for rejecting my application. In short, the decision was tough love. I needed a healthy dose of humility more than I needed another reward confirming my potential.  He did it to protect my character development, and his decision was based in the fact that he loved and supported me. He emphasized that this tough love was an essential part of my leadership development process and if I didn't have this experience, I wouldn't be the same person I am today. And, he's right. 

In retrospect, I realize how much I benefited from this seemingly  tragic occurrence. My former mentor cut me down, so that I could grow. I am reminded of how God works in similar ways. "He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful." - John 15:2

Chastening, discipline, and character development are forms of tough love... the kind of love that prunes away everything that is not fruitful and leaves space for growth. Tough love is part of the process.

My son, do not despise the Lord's discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.  - Proverbs 3:11-12

"We have all had human fathers [and mentors] who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. "Make level paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed." Hebrews 12:9-13