I know my limitations, I know my strengths, and I know myself. With that, I know that I have just lied. Saying that I know myself is claiming that I understand one of God's creations, and I do not have that depth of wisdom. My life is not my own, so to claim that I know it or that I own it is disrespectful and disgracing my Creator. The clay should not advise the potter how to shape it...

Going into to this summer, I have not been extremely confident about my job because it requires me to be vulnerable with some of those known limitations and weaknesses. I have also been praying that God would reveal to me those unknown character flaws as well. The first two days with my first serving group of students have proven to be a lesson in humility and learning what it means to be weak so that He may be strong.

The one aspect of my job that I was extremely confident in and comfortable with is the prayer tour of the city and the debriefing sessions. As we were practicing the prayer tour, I knew I had it down. I live in DC, so my commentary on the neighborhoods is second nature. I love prayer. I am a great orator. Comfortable and easy task... and one that I truly have a heart for doing... so no problem, right? Well... no. The problem lies in the fact that my confidence was in MY ability to do it, not in God's ability to use my strength to glorify Himself while showing students His heart for the city. I needed a lesson in humility.

And... I got one. My first prayer tour was okay, but definitely sub par for my standards. I messed up almost everything I could mess up to some degree. I took a detour from the route accidentally, I missed giving spouts of information, I stuttered and stammered most of the time, I misquoted statistics by large margins during one of the stops... all in all, the one thing I was confident in doing, I did not do well with the first time around. The truth is that before we even started the prayer tour, I began to get a migraine- which are generally completely debilitating. My strengths, my human ability to do this... went out the window as soon as the migraine began. I was centered in myself, and not in Him... so instead of having His words flow from me, I stammered over my own and tried to wince through the pain.

Second lesson in humility, giving directions in the city and finding parking. If you ever want to look like you have no idea what you are doing, try to navigate a 15 passenger van through traffic in downtown DC. Calling a youth leader to say I had you park in a spot that you cannot be in during rush hour, please meet me to move your van before it is towed is never fun. As someone who normally takes great pride in having a good sense of direction and street smarts, yesterday was a bit of a struggle for me.

Through the last two days, God has taken me on a crash course in humility, and I am grateful because I need Him to be guiding me this summer and always... not directing my steps myself. By dictionary definition, when someone is humbled, they are: "made humble in spirit or manner, and their power, independence, or prestige is destroyed". To be humble means that one is: " reflecting, expressing, or offered in a spirit of deference or submission". My independence and power and pride in my strengths were destroyed so that I could remain in a posture of submission.

His Word says that "For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted. " Matthew 23:12. The reminder was necessary, and I thank God that days 1 and 2 put me in my place.... humbling walking with my God.

"He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God. "
-Micah 6:8

10 Things I have learned already from my summer - in no particular order....

1) I care way too much about what people think.. and the Bible says I shouldn't.
2) Do not assume that someone knows Christ because they say they are Christian or that those who know Christ are actually following Him.
4) Self discipline, spiritual discipline, and preparation are essential.
5) You need more than a prayer to navigate a city... maps are useful.. prayers plus maps are your best bet.
6) People who stereotype people based on their denominations are close minded and judgmental... myself included.
7) My appreciation of and desire to affiliate myself with certain organizations, ministries, locations and individuals is much stronger than I realized.
8) My viewpoints are much more conservative, fundamentalist, orthodox, [pick your favorite modifier], than I perceive them to be.
9) I am humbled by my weaknesses, and am truly recognizing that God knows me way better than I think I know myself.
10) Praying for God to reveal to you your character flaws is only a good idea if you really want to know the answer...

... or maybe this should be entitled "celebrating it".

A few weeks ago, I encouraged a friend to "own it"- her identity, her future, her purpose. As I openly admitted my hypocrisy while the words were coming out of my mouth, I knew that I was far from owning "it" myself.

This last week as been a huge blessing. Reality check. It took over a year to admit it, months to claim it, and a week's worth of tears and anxieties to speak of it... this week, I was hit hard with reality. At first I mourned it, then I feared it... and then I realized I was lying to myself.

The truth is that: I am beyond excited for "it". I want it so bad that it is ridiculous. I can think of nothing but it. I want to pursue ministry, charismatic ministry, college ministry, Chi Alpha, DC, seminary, and who knows what else is in store in the future. I want to walk with God through this more than anything else in this world, and I do not think that I am capable of wanting anything more than I want these things that God has spoken to me to come to be... so let's celebrate.

Celebrate progress... change... growth... potential... opportunity... what God is doing with our lives.

Why kairos, why permanently, why now? Inquisitive minds have been wondering about my tattoo. While I didn't get it for people to ask questions, I am more than happy to answer them...

My tattoo is a marker for what God has done in my life and of what He is yet to do. I got it to glorify Him and to remind myself that He has His arms around me. In the Old Testament, they would use stones as memorials of what God had done to remind themselves of who they were living for and to teach future generations about the greatness of God (Gen. 28:18, Exodus 28:12, Joshua 4:9). In the New Testament, Peter says that we are all living stones being built into a spiritual house for the Lord (1 Peter 2:5). As a living stone, I have engraved a marker on my wrist that I will carry with me everywhere.

The marker is the Greek word Kairos. In ancient Greek, there are two words for time chronos and kairos. Chronos is time as we know it- minutes, days, years. Kairos refers to the opportune time, the moment where something special happens. To elaborate with the help of Wikipedia, " The term "kairos" is used in theology to describe the qualitative form of time. In rhetoric kairos is "a passing instant when an opening appears which must be driven through with a force if sucess is to be achieved". In the New Testament kairos means "the appointed time in the purpose of God", the time when God acts (e.g. Mark 1.15, the kairos is fulfilled)."

Kairos is God's time. Both in the sense that it is the time when He will act, and the time in which we are given the opporunity to act. The Holy Spirit works in kairos time, and if we are continually submitting to him, we will notice the opening and respond appropriately. These are the moments where God moves radically and changes things... and moments when we are put in the right place at the right time to act...

Throughout my life I have always clung to the concept that everything happens for a reason. In the midst of rough patches in my childhood, my hope was in the fact that God would provide for the moment and provide a new way in time. He has done that. In His perfect timing, He has been guiding me and molding me my entire life. His plan for my life is perfect. Now as God leads me through a transition from my past into the future, I need to remember kairos more than ever. I will know what He has for me in ministry and in life in time...

I want to be the kind of person that lives in kairos time. When I feel the Holy Spirit prompting me, I want to respond in due time, to take the action that God requires of me. When I get a word for someone, I want to share it with them in kairos. I want to pray, speak, teach, meditate, wait, fight... at the opportune moments. I do not want to miss any moment where God gave me an opportunity to act. I want to live day by day in a chronos world with kairos timing.

For a year and a half, I have written kairos on my wrist to remind me that God has a plan for me and will share the details with me in His perfect timing. That He has done that in the past, and I can trust Him to do so in the future. I also wrote it to remind me of moments where I responded to the Holy Spirit, and God moved in incredible ways in both my life and the lives of others.. and of moments when I have resisted, quenched, and grieved the Spirit instead of responding in due time. I wrote it to remind myself to be obedient to the Spirit because God's plan and timing are greater than I can understand.

For these reasons, I marked myself. The placement is intentional. I have a biblical word with a deep theological meaning tattooed on my left wrist... an intersection between the blood running from my heart and the work that I do with my hands... a place that I can see often.. and that I often look to for direction- both figuratively and literally, as I tend to glance at my scar... the wording faces me so that I can constantly read it.

The tattoo is also a pact of sorts between me and God. I will trust His kairos, and respond to kairos moments. No more kicking and screaming... no "o'crap" moments... no resistance... no waiting months to obey. This is a new season of life with an intentional move toward ministry... a time to grow deeper with God and to remain in Him, I need to live life in kairos timing.

While some of you have expressed concern with placement and wording and others have questions my motivations... quite frankly, your thoughts and opinions don't matter. The tattoo is personal... a marker for me to reflect upon God and a reminder to live life solely for Him. Like the stones in the Old Testament though, if others notice my marker and ask... I will delight in the opportunity to tell them about my God and how great He is... the tattoo has already allowed me to have many great conversations about faith and life and God... and I can only hope that it will continue to glorify God as I have a lifetime of carrying this marker.

For almost two weeks, my igoogle verse of the day was stuck on 2 Cor. 12:8-10. Two weeks, from the moment I discovered changing my academic plan was a possibility until the moment I turned in my final form declaring my major. No lie. Coincidence? Definitely not. For one, I do not believe in coincidences. More importantly, strong convictions with perfect timing generally should not be overlooked.

I have been a little, eh , emotional over the last few days. Tears are making rather regular appearances. My thorn in my side is digging in at full capcity, the devil is hitting my buttons, and God is showing me pieces of His plan- intimidating pieces of His plan. I cry out of neither happiness nor sorrow.. but from a place of joy in the peace that comes with knowing that I, a great sinner, am truly following a great God.

When I am at my weakest, I often need a reminder of God's promises to me and the truth that He has spoken in my life. I call it the affirmation study. I remind myself of scriptural truth in sentimental verses, of things God has done in my life, of prophetic words given for my life, of the reality of my strengths and weaknesses. It is both encouraging and humbling, and above all, it recenters me in the truth that His grace is enough.

Tonight I set aside the evening to pray and quickly realized that I was in need of a study session. It has been awhile, and the highlights of the review all led me back to 2 Cor 12. Accept weakness, allow God to be strong, and "embrace the call to leadership."

It is time to say goodbye to my strength and to my safety plan... and to say hello to those future possibilities. If I believe my God is who He says He is- and I do- then His grace is more than sufficient.

I just had the most nontraditional Holy Week of my life. No Palm Sunday service, no Maundy Thursday service, no Good Friday mediation or service, no breaking of fast, no Easter hymns... Part of me is disappointed that my Lenten season was lacking the reverence of liturgy and the my Easter morning did contain chorus of "Jesus Christ is risen today".

Yet, I am not as disturbed by the lack of tradition than I thought Iwould be, yet I am more disturbed than I think I should be. It bothers me, a lot... in a I feel like I'm not respecting God enough sentiment. Even so, I absolutely love my church and the people that go there. And as our pastor said this morning, the church lives a resurrection lifestyle, not merely to revere resurrection Sunday once a year.

However.... I don't understand why both cannot exist simultaneously... for now the happy medium is being devoted to my church and sneaking in the occasional Methodist service (midnight Easter vigil) to get my fix of traditional flair.

Just some thoughts.. but I guess it really doesn't matter because....

He is Risen. Hallelujah! =]

This weekend, I'm going to Target and purchasing a basketball.

Basketball for me personifies every failure, every tear, everything I wish that I would have done but couldn't do by my own strength... it is the epitome of where I have come up short in my life.

It is also one of my greatest loves. A passion that I have pushed away because I don't know how to healthily enjoy the sport or mentally cope with my lack of ability and success.

It is a large part of who I am, and its time for my worlds to merge... it's time for me to get over my fears and insecurities... and nothing speaks fear and failure more than the sound of the ball hitting the asphalt. It is a scar that I need to heal. And, a passion that can definitely have a useful purpose in my life.

So, after three years of refusing to acknowledge the sport... this weekend, I'm spending some time on an outdoor court. Just me, a lovely orange ball, an old pair of overpriced Nikes, and a God powerful enough to bring that sort of healing into my life.