Warning in advance, this blog entry will be a bit sporadic and its content will not do the subject manner justice.

As the semester ended, I knew that this break would once again change my life. I had no doubt that there was a possibility that I would encounter God at World Missions Summit and the Luke 18 Conference.. and that it would somehow change my life. I had expectations, but as always God is bigger and better than I could ever imagine.

World Missions Summit solidified the idea that I will probably be entering occupational ministry. I committed to serving as a missionary for at least a year.... probably as a CMA with a Chi Alpha or Students for Christ. While the response to that particular alter call wasn't surprising, the other things that learned at WMS were. I felt my heart being tugged by the thoughts of consecration- of setting my life apart for God and God alone. I felt convicted by the fact that I say that I am willing to die for Christ without being willing to live for Him. I delighted in the fact that AU Chi Alpha had a bonding moment of prayer. I realized that I am way more comfortable in a charismatic seeting than I would like to admit. I actually kinda love it. I find great joy in the jumping, hand raising, spirit praying, weeping, falling on the ground, speaking prophecy, healing the sick.... oh shall I go on? I mean I still think that some of the theology is a little messed up, but everything I love about the charismatic Church is biblical. I desire and I long for more of the Father, the Son, and the Spirit...

Coming to the Luke 18 conferece, my world has been completely destroyed. Completely destroyed. I kinda realized that I don't know Jesus, I'm not in agreement with Jesus, I don't understand the fact that Jesus is coming back, I haven't giving my life to Jesus in its entirity... this weekend has totally crushed me. I think that I truly realized what the sacraments of communion meant for the first time in my life. I committed to living for God by following a Sacred Charge of prayer, fasting, and a holy lifestyle... I have been drawn into the prayer furnance and my heart is on fire for God.

While I'm not explaining everything here, I have been totally wrecked this week. My life, my amibitions, my hopes, my dream, my faith have been demolished. This life- His life- will never be the same. It can't be.

"All-consuming fire You're our heart's desire
Living flame of love come baptize us

Let us fall more in love with You

Let us know how high how deep how wide is
Love Love Love"

*exhale* I'm not an emotional person, but as I am writing this... tears are slowly falling from my eyes. They are neither tears of joy nor sorrow... just tears. I'm not even sure why they have been provoked, but there are tears.

I think its a side effect of the pressure. The energy it takes to live in two worlds, with two identities. It takes its toll. Have you ever felt like two different people? Oh, I do. All the time.

It's rather surreal.

As I sit here having just left AU, talking with someone I lived with this summer, working on HOBY stuff, anxiously considering going home in a few days, and eagerly anticipating getting back to DC... I feel like I'm living in way too many worlds.

I'm ready for the worlds to collide... for the crash, the explosion, the aftermath of destruction... I'm ready to be whole again. I'm not sure how I am going to fuse my worlds, but I know that I need to in order to move forward. I need to step out of my boxes and say take all of it ... or leave it.

I am what I am... who I am... and that identity, well, it lies in Christ and Christ alone. I need to make that clear... crystal clear. I also need to remember that part of following Christ is being who He created me to be. I have been reserved at AU- that is not me. I've needed to learn discipline, and I'm learning it by holding back... but being silent and relatively inactive isn't necessarily the way to go about living my life either. I need to merge the enthusiastic driven high school persona that got me to college with the people person that I've become in college. I need to stop reminiscing on how I've had my moments as both a good leader and a good Christian and collide the two worlds to be a good Christian leader. I need to embrace my calling. I need to be one of those people, one of my people, one of His people... I need to be me. 100% holistically me and I'm not sure that I even know what that looks like. Thankfully, He knit me together in my mother's womb and knows me better than myself.. So this break, I initiate collusion, knowing that He has it under control...

Or at least I hope to catalyze the fusion- by God's grace- and finally bring my worlds together a bit. Assuming I don't chicken out. I'm at least three days from being home and I already feel like puking... like running.. like crawling into the fetal position....


None of that matters though... because my God is soo much bigger than my fear and my drama, and me.... I need to find myself in Him and in Him alone.

"In the secret, in the quiet place
In the stillness You are there.
In the secret, in the quiet hour I wait,
Only for You,'cause I want to know You more;

I want to know You,
I want to hear Your voice
I want to know You more.
I want to touch You,
I want to see Your face
I want to know You more.

I am reaching for the highest goal,
then I might receive the prize.
Pressing onward, pushing every hindrance aside,
Out of my way, 'cause I want to know you more"

"I will always hide at my Savior’s side
I find my refuge in His sovereign care
When the waters rise, God will hear my cries
His steadfast love will hold me safely there"


Needless to say... I freaked out a bit with the post last night... but alas, God's grace is bigger than my spastic personality.

(I'll finish updating this later)

There are some days when your past comes back to bite you in the ass. This is one of those days. After sleeping literally all day and realizing that my mood is beyond depressive... almost to the point where it hurts to crack a smile... I'm wondering if the cycle ever stops. I do well at something, I jack it up, I work to save my ass again... and then I change my mind and move on to something else... and the process repeats. I have great experiences and relationships along the way... but they fade like sand sifting through one's hand... and when the time to flee comes, I'll spread my fingers and let it all pass away.

" and I don't understand
why I sleep all day
and I start to complain
that theres no rain"

The thought of reconciling who I am , who I've been, who I want to be, and who I may become scares the living hell out of me. I crack a smile, I talk with people, and I'll even discuss the bullshit factors of my life that seem to be ailing me... yet inside I am self destructing. I am both figuratively and literally making myself sick and destroying everything that could be in the process. My mind is going nowhere as my grades crash, my body is becoming continually less stable, my time is being spent doing absolutely nothing productive, and I'm fighting to hang on to the notion that I may have some meaningful relationships with people in my life.... when really... I have no clue what tomorrow will bring and who will be willing to stand with me if I fall...

So, when you ask how I am.. I'll say okay or maybe I will answer stressed or something.. and it is an honest answer... and as I am typing this I am honestly fine. Just fine, but you know what... I am tired of fine... fine isn't good enough. I was not created to be fine... to be okay.... I was created to do something, to be someone... not to be fine.. not to spend my days wondering how to get to tomorrow and doing nothing in the meanwhile...

I am not happy being fine.. .I'm not happy being here... I'm not happy with this life.

Tonight, someone reminded me of who I am. Of who I am capable of being.. both the good and the bad... and you know what, I am not being that person now. I don't know who I am, but being a lazy, under motivated person with no ambitions is not it. I'm not proud of this...

So, starting tomorrow.... fine is not good enough any more.

2 a.m. In the streets of the nation's capitol. 2 a.m. and thousands are dancing and signing and shouting in the streets. It is the sound of hope... Strangers embracing each other in passing... cheering for the future... celebrating with joy... change. The drums beat, the crowds chant, but the White House has no response as thousands gather in front of it in the name of change.

I have never seen anything like it, and I'm not sure that I ever will again. I called Obama's win years ago, and I am definitely celebrating his victory... and I was all over the celebration in the streets... but I must admit that I am a bit disheartened...

Why do we only take to the streets in celebration on occasions like this? Millions united for Obama, so why don't millions rally around other causes. Spending millions of dollars on those in need around the world. I saw hope this week in unity...

Now if only we had that kind of joy and hope and unity when it really matters....

"Looking for something I've never seen
Alone and I'm in between
The place that I'm from and
The place that I'm in"

One of the HA kids labeled this Fray song.. the song for us in this season. While I haven't talked with him since the last day of the scholarship conference almost two years ago, I was reminded of this song today.... and I assure you that he was right. This is a song for me in this season.

I'm looking for something I've never seen and it's hard to find because I have no clue what I'm looking for... The picture painted for me looks a little like this: serve God, serve people, become a mouthpiece of the Gospel, go into the world, get your hands dirty, challenge academia, challenge government, rise up and make a difference, use your story to inspire others, understand the misunderstood, love the unlovable, empower future generations of servant leaders, be a light in the darkest of places...

It's everything I've always known crashing against a mound of uncertainty... and over the other side lies a narrow way that was surveyed for me long before I was born. Some of the trail ahead is unpaved and treacherous terrain, and some of it is clearly mapped and marked. I know that there is a way ahead and a guide to take me there, but right now, I feel like I am bushwhacking...

And my water supply is running low and I know longer can identify which way is down mountain and which way is up.. and even if I could, I'm not sure in which direction I would go. I can no longer rely on my own navigation. So, what do I do? I dig a hole in the middle of the wilderness and I stay put. I do not expect or accept help... I whine and think and try to derive a better plan of attack. Though, I am only attacking myself.

I'm running dry... this is the season of the desert, and I think I put myself there because I enjoy drawing lines in the sand. It's almost as if I want to be lost. As if, I want the direction to be hidden from my sight. Even if someone is leading me by the hand, I'm going nowhere quickly because I'm sitting down refusing to move forward. Searching for distractions, for excuses...

You can lead a deer to water, but you can't make him drink. Well, the water is there, and I've tasted it before... so I know I'm a deer and I'm capable of jumping to new heights... but I'm standing at the stream, refusing to drink.... turning my head and denying myself the fuel I need to take that leap of faith.

The question in my mind is "Why won't you drink? I've lead you this far and we have so much further to go... go ahead approach the stream and get the strength you need for the next part of the climb". Like Paul in Romans 7, I am disappointed with the things that I do because they are the things that I do not want to do. The things I want to do, I don't do because I don't believe that I am capable of doing them.

I want to be the reflection of God's glory in this world, but the still small voice inside my head says "Kera, if you cannot stand to look at your own reflection in the mirror.. how do you expect others to see the same image as Christ living within you?"

The question comes back to the corny Disney movie line... "When will my Reflection show who I am inside?"...

Because if it doesn't, to get back to some better music comparisons...

"I'll try to get out but I never will
Traffic is perfectly still"

After an extended hiatus from blogging, journaling and writing in general, I think it is finally time to revive this blog. My mind is racing at the speed of light, yet my processing is slower than a slug crawling through a vat of salt. Weird analogy, I know, but that is kinda where I am right now. Neither concise nor comprehensible, I am rather scatter-brained at the moment. Consequently I do not expect my entries to be the greatest writing specimens I have ever produced, but I do think that I need to force myself to start writing again in order to ask myself honest question and to provide honest answers. Processing in my mind alone is not fruitful. Perhaps spewing my guts onto the computer screen will once again prove to be somewhat helpful.