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Aspirations and applications.

Posted by Unknown

My plan since my senior year of high school was to major in international studies, become fluent in Spanish, and then flee the country to work in development. Seeing that I can neither speak Spanish nor call myself an expert in international relations, my plans have evidently changed.  

Yet, my heart still grows strangely warm every time I hear Spanish, read about African politics, pray for the oppressed in the Asia Pacific, recall the isolated people groups in Eurasia, or listen to a bit of propa club music and rock my Euro scarf. My heart belongs to the nations, and I truly believe that God will call me to them in His timing... and I'll live the dream of the prophetic, evangelistic nomadic missionary. 




For now though, I find myself serving my alma mater, living in the heart of American civil religion, and ministering to the one culture that I don't feel particularly called to serve. Though for this year, I am fully devoted to serving the community that served me. My game plan was to finish the year and pray about how to best begin my lifelong adventure. Well, once again, plans have changed. 

When I began praying about my future a few months ago, I was reading through Ezekiel in my personal devotions and the concept of Ezekiel being a prophet for his countrymen really stood out to me. It was as if God were saying "Kera, you need to learn to minster to your people before you can effectively minister anywhere else". *sigh* Many days I don't even feel connected to "my people". Ask  me how much I love America if you haven't heard my feelings on this before.  Oh, how Ezekiel must have felt a much stronger disconnect with Israel.  Scripture actually says he went to his people with "bitterness and anger in spirit" and that he only went because he was caught up in the spirit of God (Eze. 3:14). 

Unlike Ezekiel, I don't feel like God is calling me to my countrymen permanently. Why would my heart be to be much more nomadic if I were meant to be stationary? Why would my life experience, desires, dreams, and ambitions allude to another calling? I do, however, believe that my future looks significantly different from my present. Yet, I believe that I am called here to "my people" for the time being. 

So with bitterness in my heart, God and I began to have another conversation about my training for ministry. I  have long recognized that I am an intellectual, and that my mind is not fully developed. I am not equipped to preach and teach because I do not have the knowledge and wisdom needed to be effective in those areas. I have known for awhile that a seminary education is probably in my future, sooner rather than later. Somehow in my mind, seminary once seemed like Hogwarts. It was this mythical experience that secludes you in the middle of nowhere and requires an insane amount of work to gain greater access to the supernatural world that much of reality overlooks. Obviously jaded, I have recently come to the conclusion that seminary is not a fantastical academia, but an institutionalized hierarchy of Christian scholars and aspiring clergy. My day dreams of intellectual growth faded away as my desires to live a Spirit-filled missional life of servanthood expanded. Just when I fully surrendered the idea of ever going to seminary in exchange for the radical life of a missionary, God has seemingly refocused my radar yet again. 

With inexcusable anger in my spirit, I begrudgingly began to ask God if I needed to reconsider a seminary education. My frustration with this idea is not with the return to academia, but with the fact that a return to academia means remaining in this country for an undetermined amount of time.  Through much prayer and argumentation, it has been resolved that I need a seminary degree in order to prepare myself for my future ministry. It has also been resolved that I am not to cease serving "my people" through ministry while pursuing my personal and professional growth. In other words, I am applying to begin a correspondence seminary program and this nomadic heart has been broken once again at the realization that I could be exactly where I am for the next three years. 

My submission is to God's will. If it is in His plan, my application will be accepted and my coursework will begin as soon as next semester. If not, then I know that this process is just another step in learning to surrender all that I am to His will. Either way, my aspiration is to follow Jesus and I'm open to wherever He leads me... 

I'm praying for a paradigm shift. Lord, help me see the joy of serving my countrymen; help me to embrace this as my calling for this season in life. Also, it would be  awesome if I could spend at least a portion of my summers serving You abroad... and I can think of a few places that I would love for You to send me. =P

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    • Simply smile.

    Posted by Unknown

    A little smile goes a long way. A "hello" and a sincere "how are you?" goes even farther. I try my best to offer as many smiles and hellos as I can, but sometimes they feel rather fruitless. This afternoon, I was reminded that a little kindness is never in vain. 

    Due to my affection for cheap food and french fries, the McDonald's on campus generally makes an appearance in my schedule at least once a week. I make small talk with the employees, order from the dollar menu, wish them a good day, and head on my way. Most of the employees are of average amiability, but there is one particular employee who always seems disgruntled. She is notorious for being the brash, short tempered, often insulting McDonald's employee. Most people avoid interaction with her, but I have tried my hardest to show her that I value her by being as authentically friendly as possible. It honestly saddens me to think that every day is a bad enough day to appear frustrated and angry. So, I try to smile and brighten her day just a little. 

    I walked into McDonald's today, and she greeted me as she took my order. Generally I pay with change or my credit card and order the same thing on every visit. This time I added a PowerAid and miscalculated my total by a mere four cents. I went to switch my $5 bill to my debit card, but she wouldn't let me. She said "there ain't no sense in using your card for four cent; I got ya." and pulled a nickel out of her pocket and placed it in the register.  I humbly accepted her gift, and thanked her profusely.

    Looks like I earned the trust and friendship of  someone who has been labelled by many as just another inconvenient element of their day.  A little smile goes a long way.  If only we would offer a little kindness a little more often...

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    • I love my mom.

    Posted by Unknown

    Often times, we don't get along. Or even remote listen to each other. But, last night, I had an amazing conversation with my mom. I love her and miss her. Some old medical issues are resurfacing... so I called for her advice, and she had more insight than I would have anticipated. 


    I'll save you the long version of the story, and summarize my conclusions from our conversation. 1) I'm not being intellectually stimulated and it's having a negative effect on my behavior pattern and overall health. 2) I'm under-stressed. In other words, I am not being challenged enough in my current environment. 3) I'm lacking adrenaline. I need to be more physically active and competitive. 4) I'm not quite utilizing my imagination and creativity. 

    In summary, I am not pushing myself to grow. And, as my mom noted, the same issues plagued me the last time I was in a similar place in life. I think her points have some validity, and now I am pondering how to respond. 

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    • Answered prayer

    Posted by Unknown


    "Prayer does not fit us for the greater work; prayer is the greater work."  - Oswald Chambers.
    I can't tell you how many prayers have been answered this weekend. Since I don't have much time to blog, here are just a few.

    • In July, I wrote in my journal that 10/8 would yield an unexpected check. My paycheck deposited on  10/8 was mysteriously $300 more than it should have been.
    • I have been praying that someone in Chi Alpha would preach on 1 Cor 12-14. Our retreat speaker spoke on those chapters.
    •  Been praying for clarity and a game plan, and I believe that God shed some light on that at retreat.
    • Not to mention, a number of prayers that I have been praying specifically for individuals are being answered...
    • ...and many of the prayers we prayed last year at Weds night prayer and the year before in 24/1 prayer are coming to fruition.

    Post retreat, I talked with two Chi Alpha alumni. One of whom almost cried. She exclaimed in awe, "This is the beginning of our answered prayers... God is answering our prayer."  Yes, it is. =]

    I love prayer...  also, another prayer that may be answered. I have a job interview at AU on Friday; we'll see how that goes. 

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    • Retreat

    Posted by Unknown

    I'm trying to force myself to fall asleep... in a beautiful house with the beach a few steps from my door. Oh, Chi Alpha beach retreat- I love thee. Before I leave the ocean, I want to make sure that the lessons that I learned here leave with me. Here is a quick recap, possibly foreshadowing some future posts.

    In no particular order, here are ten points I am taking away from this weekend.

    - I know God, I am known by God, and God knowingly works through me to help others to know Him better.
    -  I actually like myself when I'm connected to God and serving Him. Imagine that.
    - Loving people sometimes means speaking the truth as much as God has enabled you to, and then leaving them the freedom to [or to not] seek the truth on their own.
    - Taking a step back from people's lives is hard for me, but necessary because life has nothing to do with me. There are people that I care about that I need to give room to decide [or not] to seek truth. God is big enough to represent Himself.
    - I need to realize that the "[or not]" is actually a possibility. And, that I don't have the power to change someone's decision to not seek or act on the truth.
    - He'll do it in His time and His way.... but God does answer prayer and He always fulfills His promises.
    -The key is the possessive pronoun. God does not always fulfill His promise the way I interpret that it would be filled.
    - I need to continue going deeper in faith, encouraging others to do the same. Whatever the cost, I need to continue walking forward toward the cross.
    - Also, I need to figure out who my support network is and where my community is based... for the long term. And, I need to be intentional in that regard.
    - God has blessed me with a great friends for this leg of my journey... possibly well beyond.

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    • I don't like it on

    Posted by Unknown

    A few days ago I noticed the appearance of the seemingly provocative "I like it on..." facebook statuses. The general idea is that women post where they like to place their purse as their facebook status in an effort to confuse men and to raise awareness for breast cancer.  As an alternative to changing my status, I am authoring this blogpost.


    Excuse me if I seem harsh, but this campaign is relatively useless. What does a seemingly provocative status do to raise awareness for breast cancer? For one, the sexual connotation behind the status is not empowering to women. Not at the very least. "Please allow me to openly use sex to lure men into asking what my status means." Does this not diminish the value of a women's body during a month that is supposed to raise awareness in order to promote the healthy and well-being of women's bodies?

    Furthermore, let's say someone asks what your seemingly provocative status means... you say "it's for breast cancer awareness". I think "wow, that's strange" not "oh, let me encourage women I know to get regular breast exams" or "maybe I should make a donation towards cancer research". If I google the content of the status, I see articles about how ability of a status to go viral, not links that give me more information about cancer prevention. 

    Any way you look at it, nothing about this campaign makes sense. It just proves that humans are virtual lemmings and is rather concerning because of the viral nature of social media.  People don't think about what they are posting before they post it. (And yes, I am pondering the consequences of this post as I am writing it.) As one Wallstreet Journal blogger puts it, "But at some point, it seems even worse to use the cover of breast-cancer awareness to make flirtatious, joking statements on Facebook. And why is it only a women’s health issue that seems to come in for this sort of treatment?"

    It all seems rather fruitless, if not counterproductive. If you want to support the cause, do something that actually supports the cause:
    "Q: What is breast cancer?
    A: Breast cancer is cancer that forms in tissues of the breast, usually the ducts (tubes that carry milk to the nipple) and lobules (glands that make milk). It occurs in both men and women, although male breast cancer is rare.

    Q: How many new cases of breast cancer were estimated in the United States in 2009?
    A: According to the American Cancer Society (ACS), an estimated 192,370 new cases of invasive breast cancer are expected to be diagnosed among women in the United States last year. Approximately 1,910 new cases are expected in men. The ACS also reports that an estimated 40,610 breast cancer deaths are expected in 2009 (40,170 women, 440 men).

    Q: How common is breast cancer in the United States?
    A: Breast cancer is the most common cancer in women, aside from skin cancer. "
     Find out more at the National Breast Cancer Awareness Month website or the Susan Komen foundation or the American Cancer Society or the American Breast Cancer Foundation.  


    Praying for a cure to cancer, praying for patients undergoing treatment, praying for cancer survivors, praying for families who have lost loved ones... praying that God will wipe cancer from the face of the earth and praying that until then we all can be more informed, more supportive, and more dedicated to aiding our brothers and sisters affected by cancer.

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    • a [re]new[ed] discipline

    Posted by Unknown

    Starting tomorrow, I am reviving a system of journaling that I used when I worked for CSM. I am finding a semi-new journal, and dating it so that I have two clean pages for day. The first page will be for recording what I learned from my daily devotional readings and the second page will be for reflecting on my day before I go to bed.  The reflections will included notes on prayer, things I saw God on, and areas where I need improvement.

    Why? Because God is teaching me that I need to be consistent and that I am really bad at consistency. This system holds me accountable. If I miss a day, there will be blank pages in my journal and I will be able to see my inconsistency. This isn't a legalistic practice, but a helpful tool in this season of my life. And,  blogging about adds just a touch more accountability. Kinda excited to start this again!

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    • Ephesians 2, part one.

    Posted by Unknown

    Because of my own sin and depravity and stupidity, the first few verses of Ephesians 2 are easy truths to believe:

     "As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath." 2:1-3. 
    Ironically enough, I begin this post with a confession: "I am the problem, and I cannot be the solution." There is a repetitive sin issue that creeps up in my life when I least expect it. Call it my own personal "thorn in the side", and I have a tendency to justify it with an explanation of my vulnerability or to angrily blame Satan for tempting me. What I generally fail to realize is that even if I am legitimately vulnerable and spiritual warfare is playing a factor, I am still the problem because I am still the one who chooses to sin when I know that there is a better option.


    Apart from God, we choose to follow the culture zeitgeist of our time and choose to allow spiritual warfare to play a role in our lives. The emphasis here is choice. Apart from Christ, we choose death. Consequently, we choose to put ourselves under God's wrath because God hates sin. Not surprisingly, as a follower of Jesus, I hate sin too and I hate myself when I choose to follow my sinful nature instead of my Lord.


    My cryptic confession warrants another commitment to repentance, only I think I will take the advice of scripture and let Jesus be the only answer this time around.
    "But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." 2:5-10
    God loved us so much that He could not bare to see us as the objects of His wrath, so He entered into history as a man so that we may now what it is to choose God over death and so that He could be the object of His own wrath in order that we may be spared. It is through His grace that we are saved through faith. This verse may be one of the most quoted in Protestant theology, and for good reason. Salvation occurred at the cross because of God's grace- through His gift of Himself. There is nothing we can do to earn it or repay Him or deserve it. In fact, the only thing we can do is have faith and we can't even have that apart from trust in God and the strength of the Holy Spirit because Hebrews 11 tells us that faith means trusting in the unseen and the unrealized. Nothing I do changes the fact that salvation is from God alone. Furthermore, I cannot boast about my faith or my works because God leaves no room for boasting in anything but His glory. He created us to do good works and prepared them in advance for us to do. So even the good that we do is not to be praised because in doing good we are merely doing what we were designed to do.


    I love how humbling this passage is. It reminds me of my depravity, of my need to continually accept the gift of Christ.  I am once again reminded that God saves me from myself and raises me up to be with Him... and there is nothing I can do to be worthy of that gift.


     It is a gift that demands my response, and my response is to continually lay down my life, turn from my sinful nature, and choose to follow Jesus and to embrace the good works He has called me to do. So, once again, Lord I choose You. I love you, but not nearly enough. So, Jesus, please give me grace and strength to love and follow you.

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    • Stronger and stranger.

    Posted by Unknown

    J. Champion via wikicommons
    "Once upon a time there was a crooked tree and a straight tree. And they grew next to each other. And every day the straight tree would look at the crooked tree and he would say, "You're crooked. You've always been crooked and you'll continue to be crooked. But look at me! Look at me!" said the straight tree. He said, "I'm tall and I'm straight." And then one day the lumberjacks came into the forest and looked around, and the manager in charge said, "Cut all the straight trees." And that crooked tree is still there to this day, growing strong and growing strange." - Kneller, Wristcutters: A Love Story
     Last night, I realized that I am unconsciously trying to be a "straight tree" when I am in fact very much a "crooked tree".  I have been internalizing criticism and comments and small little words of discouragement. Instead of being proud of the dynamic person God is molding me into, I have inadvertently attempted to straighten things out a bit.  


    The funny thing is that in the eyes of the world in which we live, there is nothing about me that is normal or sensible. The Christian life is countercultural, and many of my decisions to follow Jesus have been countercultural to even cultural Christianity. 


    So here is to a shift in perspective again; here's to continually "growing strong and growing strange". 

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