Hi! If you are reading this, it's likely that you've been subscribed to my blog for quite awhile. [or maybe you just stumbled upon this page].. either way thank you! 

This is just a quick post to let you know that I have moved my blog from blogger to a self-hosted word press site. I'm still blogging! In fact, I just put up a new post!

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Thanks so much for reading! I appreciate it more than you'll ever know. =]

-Kera

Zero. Out of all the areas of growth I targeted for 2011, I didn't make significant progress in a single one of them

It's funny how we always start the year determined to become better people, but rarely do we follow through. New Year's resolutions are almost laughable. That's why columnists and relatives alike will encourage you to set "realistic" goals. "Set benchmarks that you can accomplish. Don't set yourself up for failure. Guarantee success by sticking with a fool-proof method."  I don't know about you, but I'm starting to wonder whether there is any value at all in developing "realistic" strategies.

When I wrote "11 for 11... and beyond", I sincerely desired growth in each of the areas listed. A year later, I'm reading over the post nodding my head in agreement- excited about the possibilities. BUT, there is still a little voice in the back of my mind saying "you can't do that. Be realistic. Come up with a plan. What are your tangible goals?"


Today I am publicly telling that  little voice to shut up and mind its own damn business.

As I entered 2011, I didn't have a strategy. Sure, I set out areas of growth and I had some idea of how I could ask others to hold me accountable for those changes. But, I didn't have a step-by-step plan. I simply wanted to follow Jesus and see where He led me. 

As the months progressed, I had a ton of voices speaking into my life. Most of which had good intentions and were genuinely concerned for my future. The little voice inside my head liked all the rational advice I was receiving  and continued to champion the formation of a strategy for success. [I should pause to note that the little voice is just for illustration- there is no need for exorcisms or any medication at this point in time].  And so in an effort to please all the voices in my life, I began to be more rational and I began to develop rational plans. I became a little less idealistic, hoping to gain the approval and support of others.

Consequently, I lost my sense of self and my sense of calling ... and I completely burnt-out multiple times this year. [Read more about what I learned about burning out and missing out here].

This morning I spent a few hours trying to figure out what 2012 would bring. "Should I transfer schools? Apply to work with other ministries? Finally begin an internship program? Take a few months off to try to work and diminish my student loan debt? Which city should I move to?" Too many questions!

I spent a few hours looking up information online about hypothetical strategies and plans for this new year.  Then unexpectedly a tear fell from my eye, and next thing you know, I'm flooding my living room.

"Why are you doing this Kera? Where did strategizing get you this year? This isn't you and you know it. Consider the journey, what do you want from this year?"

 Okay. *deep breath* What do I want? I want this year to not be 2011. The best parts of last twelve months didn't fit in my rational plan: distance education seminary classes and three months in Ibiza.  "Then why are you attempting to adopt a new strategy for 2012?" I have no idea... maybe I should just pursue God, amend my path as the Spirit leads, and simply live life in faith.

Welcome to my internal dialogue. It's actually a little messier than that, but you get the picture. 


The question of "what do you want from the journey?" is haunting me. "If you could do anything this year, what would it be? Where do you want to go? What do you want to learn? "You don't even want me to begin to answer that question.

---

I want to learn to live by faith. To follow the Spirit with reckless abandon. To live as simply as possible and to love more deeply than I'm capable.

I want to learn to be humble. To walk in the power of God. To be confident of who I am in Him.

I want to live life on the edge with the trust that God is moving my adventure forward. To give prophetic words to strangers. To offer hospitality to those who least expect it and who least deserve it. To worship in the darkest places.

I want to get lost in scripture and to pray with reckless abandon. To learn to be fearless in this world but to have a holy fear of God that continually brings me to my knees. 


I want to be a mouthpiece of the Gospel. To allow my soul to pour out into my writing. To use every quirky, artsy, crazy fiber of my being to spread His message. 


I want to learn to love and be loved. To love myself for who I am. To invite others into my life, knowing that relationships are messy. To befriend both the afflicted and the inflicter. 

I want to laugh and to cry more than I ever have before. To celebrate risks. To devote my all to the cause of Christ.

----

I know that sounds idealistic. It's  crazy and terrifying. There is no security or stability or strategy. Guess what? I wouldn't have it any other way.  Realistic pursuits are overrated, and extremely temporal.  I want to be a part of something eternal.

So little voice that tries to scare me into adopting a rational strategy for my life, keep the muzzle on... because I'm trading my strategy for submission. In 2012, I want to learn to live by faith. 

 Running around, singing “This is Halloween, this is Halloween” as I clean and pack. [Fri]

“What did you do to your face?” It’s a piercing Mr. Greeter Man. Thanks for welcoming me to church on Christmas Eve; it’s nice to see you too! [Sat]

Opening gifts at my grandparent’s - I just unwrapped a bottle of flea shampoo. Hmm, either I’m getting a puppy or ... [Sun]

When asked where they’d like to go for lunch, my sisters responded. “Can we get salad? We never have fresh vegetables.”  =/ [Mon]

 I think I just ate a battered fried moth. Oh, and my failed attempt to make churros saved others from consuming my new delicacy. [Tues]

“Before social media, we didn’t think to keep a moment-by-moment breakdown of our days and to broadcast this to the world. Before social media, we would not have cared to read it. Yet today many of us update our Facebook status and Twitter streams with near-religious fervor, almost as if we have not actually experienced anything until we’ve told others about it … what we haven’t shared with the world seems like it has hardly been experienced at all” (pp. 70-71)

 As I stumbled into the elevator, I caught my reflection in the mirror and thought "damn, I look good".

A rare, foreign moment of self acceptance and approval. I won't tell you what I was wearing, in case you intend to kill my joy- but as I studied my appearance, I thought to myself "I like me. I'm cool, I'm casual, I'm collected... perhaps, maybe, I've got a chance to score the right job, the right friends, the right guy... all of which will like me too!" As the ding hinted that I was reaching my floor, I had one last thought "If I look this good and I'm out of shape, I need a haircut, I'm sick and I haven't slept in twenty-four hours... I definitely look good when I'm at my best".  So I stepped off the lift, walked down the hall to my apartment and went to bed confident that I like myself.

Rereading what I just wrote...  I find my words a bit conceited,  and I wonder if they are also a bit delusional.  98% of the time,  I don't like myself quite that much. I don't like how I look or the image I portray. For every night of self appreciation, there are two or three more where I lay my head on my pillow thinking that I'm not good enough.  A glance at a mirror often progresses to "Eh, I'm not sure I like this. And I'm out of shape, and nothing I like is in style... no wonder I don't have cool friends or a boyfriend or a successful career. If only I could do.... I might be a little closer to being likeable."

It's not a constant or controlling thought pattern -  don't be alarmed.  It's just that like much of the population, I struggle with body image and self image. It's a fact about my personality that I have known for a long time.  One that I am aware of and that I actively battle against.  I know I'm not alone, but really... do people realize how many of us regularly stare in the mirror with disgust?

Here is a glimpse* at the facts:


Many people don't like themselves. Many more think they are not good enough. This video is a small sample of statistics and it completely neglects other forms of negative self image. How many people are depressed because they feel like they aren't good enough? Do I look presentable? Am I funny? Am I skilled enough to... ? I'll never... will I?   [Insert your question here.]

Last week in small group, we talked about the foundational tenets of the Christian faith. When asked what the most important rules of life were, Jesus answered: 

 "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"

The question is: how would people feel if we treated them like we treated ourselves? 

Ponder that one for a bit.  Then consider, if God created you... if he formed you and directs you and loves you, is a negative self image a form of pride?

Imagine the perfect you.  What would would you change?

A professor once told me that the ultimate goal of a Christian is to be the you that Jesus would be if he had your strengths, your personality, your influence, your situation, your circumstances... your life.

Is that what you pictured? Or did you change the essence of who you are? To the image of magazines? To the definition of success? To a picture perfect persona found in media or movies? Do you think you could create a better you than God created? 

I'll admit that sometimes I do.  I'd erase my scars, my life experiences, my asthma, my ability to detect people lying, the fact that I often cry in public places when I'm deeply moved by something. I'd want to be a little taller, a little fitter, a lot smarter, and hilariously funny. I'd give myself more musical ability, a capacity to learn foreign languages... do I need to go on?

I'm proud enough to think that God screwed up when he created me.  And, that's just wrong. 

Allow me to interject a quick caveat, I am not saying that the desire to improve oneself cannot be godly. What I am questioning is why we have a desire to improve ourselves? Why do self help books become best sellers? Is it because we desire to be the best we can be so that we can fully contribute to the world? Or is it a desire to be the people we wish we could be in order to reach the world's idea of perfection?

For example, I have a desire to get into better physical shape. Does my desire to do so stem from dissatisfaction with my body compared to socially constructed expectations of beauty? Or does it stem from a desire to be fully healthy so that I can serve God with all my strength? One is a prideful endeavor; the other is a godly one.

All this to say, I should like myself more.  God loves me. He sees me as He created me to be, and I should value and appreciate his craftsmanship. Moreover, if I can't see myself as God sees me, how can I see you as God sees you? How can I fully love you if I never learned to love myself?

 ---------
*While this particular video doesn't offer citations, it appears to be consistent with other research I've come across.

Another "reasons why" post... more accurately titled: "Why I am doing poorly in my classes and I don't really care".

That started with a lie. But let me explain.

Once upon a time, I cried every time I got a grade less than an A. I knew I was capable of more and I screwed up, so I'd bawl like a baby.  I could do better, and I wanted to prove I could do better. My identity was being that smart kid who got As.. anything less and I started questioning who I was.

In college, I relaxed a bit.  A simple explanation is that I realized that it was my own procrastination and learned laziness  that led to A- or B+ grades. As long as I knew I could pull off a top mark, I didn't need to actually do it. Even so, when a B made an appearance on my report card once or twice, I cried.

Every single tear though was shed because of my laziness not because of my lack of ability to do better. I always could, I just chose not to.

This semester, I am praying for B grades in my four classes. I recognize I may walk away with my first C grade. And, I'll probably cry. This time is a little different though. This time I've done all that I could.

The last few months have been filled with illness and setbacks and drama. I couldn't have put any more effort into classes if I wanted to... I couldn't have turned those late assignments in on time... I couldn't have spent a few more hours studying.

This semester, I did all that I could. And, I will come up short. But this time, I won't have the satisfaction of knowing that I controlled my own fate. I know I could have gotten As in the course, but I couldn't have gotten As within this semester.

And that my friends is why I'm going to have to be a little more indifferent about being mediocre. Why cry over something that I couldn't have changed? I'm human. An average human that gets sick and sees setbacks and sometimes has a semester of bad grades.

I'm sure there will actually be a tear or two shed, but in the grand scheme of things, I know that I'm not defined by my achievements or my circumstances.

Answered prayer: two free tickets to Fall Massive- the biggest EDM event to ever hit DC. Why did I want to go? Three simple reasons:

• Why wouldn't I want to go? They had a few quality people on the lineup and this city never hosts club nights worth attending. 
• I've lived in DC for almost five years and I know very little about the music scene here. I've been hoping for ways to connect without breaking my wallet. Since this is my last year here, it's time to check it out.
• Cultural study. I'm a nerd. Events like this are great cultural studies, and since I particularly like cross cultural analysis. I thought it would be fun to mentally examine the biggest EDM event to hit DC in comparison with my experiences in clubs elsewhere- particularly in Ibiza- and at other concerts in Pennsylvania or DC.

When I won tickets to the event from the 9:30, the obvious answer was to go. After some prodding and name dropping that Moby would be there, I convinced my roommate to come her "first rave".

Needless to say, it was a great night. How could it not be? But since I can't seem to experience anything without some analysis, here is the first of two or three blog posts recapping the event.

This one is purely observational. Here is a list of fifty random thoughts from last night in no particular order.

1.  My instinctive saying when pushing through the crowd in order to get from point A to point B... "excuse me, mate" Eh? That's weird.
2. Atmosphere is seemingly everything. The venue looked amazing: tents, lights, fog, a giant castle... it looked like a night to remember. But, the music has to deliver or it's just another eye catching visual.
3. People like glow-sticks. I have NEVER seen that many glowsticks in my life. Thousands of discarded neon tubes on the floor.
4. I thought the glow light gloves were cool.. for about an hour. Now, I never want to see one again. 
5. There are way too many 14-17 year old kids in the District with fake ids. 
6. Most of the underage high school kids gravitate toward dub step. They see it as an appropriate opportunity to mosh and smoke weed. 
7. Americans love weed. There was definitely more pot at this event than any I have ever attended. [It reminds me of a bit of concerts in PA. The smoking ban in DC might explain why most venues here don't reek of pot.]
8. Occasionally, people do cheat on their drug of choice with E. And last night, there were lots of affairs. 
9. Two addition observations regarding ecstasy: I have a theory. I think MDMA drugs are stronger in Europe, but purer in the US. I have never taken any form of MDMA, but simply by observing behavior and reaction, I wonder if this is true. 
10. It annoys me that events like this sell pacifiers at their merch tables.
11. Apparently vapor rub inhalers and inhaling vapor rub through bandanas is really popular in club culture in the States. I had no idea.
12. One last drug related observation: it so refreshing not to see widespread ket use!
13. Police have no control; I saw tons of cops, standing around doing absolutely nothing with drug use five feet from them. [Not that I expected more]
14. The VIP tent was virtually empty all night. Why not just have VIP areas in each of the staging areas? 
15. People like to throw things. Never have I been covered in so many drinks. 
16. Septum piercings are the in thing. 
17. Cooler weather at an outdoor events doesn't stop girls from showing up wearing nothing but their bras, underwear, and some ridiculous shoes.
18. Those same girls will wonder why they are being treated like skanks.
19. No one dresses up for events like this. They just remove clothing. My jeans and a tshirt attire was a little overdressed. #forgettingitsnovember
20. Portions of animal costumes are okay though. Tons of those. 
21. I still maintain that dancing itself is different in the US music scenes; can't explain why though. Something about which beat is followed. I would love to do a formal study of this.
22. Though, I think hardcore EDM fans tend to dance more similarly to Europeans. I noticed people who seemed to know the tunes (screaming track names or singing along) had a tendency to dance to the beat of the bass. Whereas other people seemed to dance to the overlaying beats or melodies.
23. Perhaps that is more an issue with familiarity than culture? For some reason this really interests me. 
24. I wish I would have tried to get a job with a music venue or radio station in college. Too late?
25. Nights like last night are excellent opportunities for prayer and worship. The harder I pray, the harder I dance.
26. It's fun trying to explain why I pray and what I pray for to other people. For the record, I pray for specific people, for some of the issues I see around me, through some of the lyrics (like last night Bare played a song about the End of Times being here), for God to reveal himself, for safety, sometimes just in the Spirit... I pray for a lot of things.
27. Still convinced that the Church can learn a lot from the EDM scene.
28. Also, I maintain that nightlife culture- especially near urban areas and universities is one of the most overlooked and strategic places to connect with young adults.
29. It saddens me that people in ministry, myself included.. overlook this demographic.
30. Now more than ever, I'm convinced I'm supposed to play a role in helping to bridge the gap between those who enjoy a good party and those who love Jesus. 
31. I'm proud to know people  who are reaching out to their communities by praying for them, serving them, and dancing with them. [My friends in Ibiza, Ireland, Northern Ireland, England... thanked God for you last night]
32. Speaking of Ibiza reminds me of messes. The States hides messes better. All our sick or passed out people were quickly drug away to a first aid tent. 
33. I'm not sure whether to be more thankful that events like this do have first aid tents to look after those who need help. Or to be more irritated with that the tents primarily exist to diminish public spectacle. 
34. When the event is over, people are still sent on their way without further help unless they have responsible friends or desperately need a hospital. 
35. If I go to an event like this sick, I should wear earplugs. And, should use my inhaler. I feel ten times rougher today than I did yesterday.
36. Portable potties are ten times more disgusting after midnight. #spilled beer. #vomit 
37. Food and drinks were so cheap last night! $3 for gatorade! $11 for a corn dog and cheese fries. For a music festival, those are great prices.
38. The District is high class in food carts. What clubs or festivals sell pad thai?
39. What is with the word RAGE? so many "Rage all night" t-shirts? "Rage" is a form of anger. "All the rage" is an idiom meaning very popular. A rage is a not party; that would be a rave. You RAVE all night long. 
40. Saying "good night" to every event staff member on the way to the metro makes each of them smile. Take a moment to acknowledge people; it makes a difference.
41. I'm good at networking. Slash. God is good at bringing people together. Guess who met people who do music promotions and host EDM events in New England last night? [hello Boston, maybe?]
42. When someone asks me who my favorite artists are in a genre, I instantly blank regardless of the genre. I could tell my new friend what type of music I listen to, but couldn't name many artists. I probably need to start buying music rather than listening to Pandora. #fail
43. I suck at live tweeting. Sorry symph! 
44. The greatest moment of the night was seeing Armand Van Helden of Duck Sauce bust out The Big Bad Wolf! Despite the fact that its his tune, the moment doesn't compare to seeing Annie Mac play it in Amnesia.
45. The difference was the crowd response. The tent was half empty and the crowd didn't seem to know the song. DC doesn't know dance music well enough to attract the same type of crowds.
46. It didn't help that Infected Mushroom was in the next tent. One critique of the event was the fact that all the decent acts were playing at the same time in different tents and it was a little difficult to get from one tent to the other.
47. My roommate really likes Moby. She pushed to the very front of the crowd. Who knew? 
48. I wasn't impressed with Moby's set. Why? For the same reason, some of the dub step acts annoyed me. Why? Well, it was a little monotonous. Unless the crowd response is incredible, you can't play the same sequence over and over again. Though, it could just be the wrong crowd sorta thing. 
49. If you look down at the ground, you may find sunglasses. I left with two extra pair. 
50. When part of the fun of the night is making observations like these and dreaming of ways to do more cultural studies, you know you have issues. 

Well, that's enough of that. Any thoughts on my randomness? I'll be back as soon to share some more coherent thoughts. [But first I have a few homework assignments to tackle]

I quit cold turkey. About three years ago, I simply stopped watching television. Within the last month, I have regressed and am now watching two shows: Greys Anatomy and Modern Family.

Already I can tell that this was a bad life decision.  

I should not be allowed to watch television. And, here's why...

• I become obsessed. I am a junkie. Once I enter their world, I must know everything about the characters and the plot. When I watched Big Brother, I'd spend at least two hours a day on fan sites tracking the things I missed from one episode to the next. I am that person. I read episode guides, search for spoilers, stalk trailers and fan sites... I am not satisfied with just what fits that small weekly program window. I need to know more. 

• I develop an emotional attachment to the characters. Have you ever found yourself praying for a fictional character? I have. The characters become my friends, and I start rejoicing and mourning for them like I would any other friend. When I have to go two months without finding out what happens to my friends (damn you Grey's Anatomy!), it honestly stresses me out.  Will Meredith be okay? Will they get their daughter back? I need to know NOW!

• I can't control my overactive imagination. The biggest reason I stopped watching tv was the fact that my mind kept running away from me. I found some of my favorite shows to be too sexually provocative or violent. Fixating on who was sleeping with who and the most creative way to murder someone was really starting to mess with my mind. I was too weak to fight the corresponding mental pictures, and I just needed to clear my head.

• I waste time better spent doing other things.  Within 36 hours, I watched an entire season of Modern Family. That's 1ike 10+ hours watching television. I could have read an entire book or watched five documentaries or had coffee with seven or eight people.  The average American watches four hours of television every day! What if that time was spent with friends or exercising or reading?

• I waste relational energy that should be spent on real people.  Though I seem like an extrovert, the truth is that I need to be alone. I need time away from people and away from the emotional stress of investing in people. My anti-social times allow me to better invest in face time with others. The sad truth is I have wasted some of that face time by staring at actors on my computer screen. I honestly get so frustrated with them sometimes that I lose my patience with real people. 

Maybe I am just strange, but some how I don't think I'm the only one who should be mindful of their television consumption. I'm not pulling a Mama Boucher and saying that television is the devil!  For the most part, I see no reason why entertainment isn't permissible. But, I do think we should ask ourselves if the amount of television in our lives is beneficial.

Sometime it is. This summer, I watched films and television shows almost every week with my friends. It was a bonding experience and a way to unwind. Beneficial. When I've watched Grey's or Modern Family recently, it's been alone and mostly in procrastination or boredom. Honestly, at the moment, I could find something more beneficial to do with my time. 

With that said, I'm putting myself on an 1.5 hour a week television limit - if you do the math, that's just enough time to fuel my current television addictions. To be honest though, if I didn't have friends who I talked about the programs with, I would consider cutting out television all together.

“I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but not everything is constructive.  No one should seek their own good, but the good of others.  - 1 Corinthians 10:23-24

My recent television consumption isn't good for me or the other people in my life. Just sharing some thoughts as I strive to ask why I do the things I do and whether or not they're beneficial and constructive.